linterry's blogger

i never really liked nirvana when i first heard it in high school. maybe smells like team spirit was allright... kinda catchy, but back then i really only liked techno and songs with more commercial appeal.

but after reading cobain's diary several times (that stuff is just fucking great shit... i wish i could read the diaries of all the people i know... not the covered up shit, the real disgusting you), it seems their music has a totally differnet meaning. becuase it feels like cobain is that dude next door. he's so much more human and reachable rather than this omnipotent rock god that i have nothing in common with. reading his diary, a lot of what he says resonates with how i feel. not everything, but a lot. anywyas i only have two nirvana tracks on my hd right now but i feel real compelled to listen to all their music now. probably will hate most of it, but what the hell, ffx2 is not very interesting right now and i have nothing better to do.

is just about the only thing that keeps me from slipping down the spiral of insanity. whenever i come home tired, worn out from everybody's pretentious banality (yes i use those words often), i can indulge myself in the reasons why i'm still alive, and i start to feel alive again. to touch her skin. to play with her hair. to smell her dirty body. and feel down there. hey that goddamn rhymed. to say whatever i feel like saying without fear of judgement. and just hug deeply under the blankets. i love her smell more than anything else. it makes me relax, feel comfortable.. to see all her dirty parts and feel so blissful that i can swallow a beautiful human being in its raw entirety, and not have to deal with some fictitious self manifestation. it's pure fucking. all i want is truth and sincerety, no more bullshit cover ups... i'm so tired of these stupid social games people play outside of the house. it's so fucknig transparent now the intended effect is now totally lost on me. instead of seeing politeness and tact and modesty all i see are fucknig liars who annoy the shit out of me. i want the soulful spiritual side to explode and be set free.

my objectives. your objectives. everyone's objectives: to feel self-importance. accepted. to express. words music dancing. to receive expression from others. physical spiritual.

cosmetics = self-love whoring
1st floor of department stores = self-love whoring taken to unprecented levels of gluttony

modest person = self-loving liar
a funny anecdote = please give me your attention

"it's going to be cold tomorrow" = i wish i could say more to you but my brain is too average

sex = inexplicable beauty
music = inexplicable beauty
true sincere expression = inexplicable beauty

don't take that tagline to be sarcastic or anything... i really feel that i'm going to go crazy any day now. it's good that they have anti gun laws and make it real hard to procure firearms, because if i had one right now i'd be a major threat to society. i'd carry it in my pocket and if some pretentious mother fucker gets in my way i'll just blow his fucking head off.

so what exactly has prompted me to write this very violent blog? a fucking "family reunion". uncle jimmy calls me at 3 this afternoon and says to come down at 4 to meet my aunt from houston, along with tina and jeanette. i fucking cringe, because i have absolutely nothing in common with these people other than that we are related by blood. so i try to cop out by making an excuse that i have to teach today but uncle jimmy is fucking pushy, keeps calling me several times until i finally give in and say that i'll meet them at 5. i fucking hate my own weakness.

so i get to this remote coffee shop at 5. now, if you're related to me and i never sent you the address of this blog personally, STOP READING RIGHT NOW, because i'm going to get fucknig vicious with people that are closely related to me. if you keep reading all the hurt you'll be feeling is your own fault of not being able to control yourself. this is my fucking private space that i share with people that i like and if you're not one of these people then get the hell out.

ok, target #1: [name removed] look, i undersatnd the pain you're going through with your acne. i'd tell you to take accutane but you probably wouldn't fucknig listen to me anyways, so i won't bother. but do you have to be so fucknig social? stop the goddman banality before i fucking bash your head into the wall. every fucking line you speak out sounds like its rehearsed or rehashed like you don't even a single solitary thought of your own...do you know you sometmies say the same fucking joke twice in the same sitting and don't even notice it? you're so fucking uninteresting, no wonder you haven't had a boyfriend for the longest time. stop talking like a fucknig sheep and speak sincerely. i really mean it, you make me want to puke. i know you must be depressed that you're over 30 and have nearly no chance of gettnig married, so show that depression you bitch, don't act all perky and happy like you're actually having good sex everyday. everybody knows the truth.

target #2: [name removed] wow, you've fnially succeeded in looking like a whore. congratulations. i don't know what else to say, but you're now you're even more uglier on the inside. so i say "what's up with the new and improved look", and you don't take it as a compliment? what's with your goddamn insecurity. now you don't eat anything and just drink fruit juices all day to maintain your whorish look. i hope you fucknig die from starvation, you bitch. i wish i could get a 1000 men to suddenly get the hots for you and then when you are raped a 1000 times back to back maybe you'll realize that looking like a whore is not a good idea. and bitch, that was my fucking seat you took. did you NOT notice my fucking huge jacket and fucking huge knapsack on that chair when you came in? probably too obsessed with fucking self love to even give a shit about othres. PR PR PR PR PR PR bitch. you fucknig PR bitch.

target #3 [name removed] never fucknig metnion how bad someone else's acne is. for that matter, never fucknig mention how good someone else's acne is either. can't you read body language you insensitive shit? can't you see the fucknig pain on their face... as if they haven't heard enough "what's wrong with your face" comments? unless you've actually got a cure, then don't fucking say anything. and get a fucking clue while you're at it... it's actually part hereditary.

the most fucked up thing about this scenario is that all these people are happily chatting away, the banality levels rising through the fucking roof, and i'm just sitting there

D-U-M-B-F-O-U-N-D-E-D

at how fucking banal the world around me has become. doesn't anyone want to really TALK? as if you haven't seen enough fucking white-lie pretentious shit on tv everyday that you have to bring that shit in your social life. goddamnit fucking WAKE UP you moronic sheep. stop living this vacuous life. fuck.

ok, now i have to go teach. that felt FUCKNIG good. by the way, i received another 10,000NT from my aunt for new year's. thank you very much... but i think i deserve ten times that for the 30 minutes fucknig banal trash you've stuffed through my ears. but thanks anyways.

i just saw this commerical on tv for nokia cell phones that made me want to puke. this well dressed dude is trying to order some food at a french restaurant, but can't pronounce french properly. then his bitch of a girlfriend suddenly gets a phone call on her nokia phone, and she starts talking in fluent french, while her boyfriend drops his jaw in awe. and the girl says nothing and has this smug look on her face.

ok... i really gotta say, WHAT is with people subliminally bragging about how many fucknig languages they know all the time? why don't you just fucking admit that it gives you a hard-on. first we have chika the aries bitch, and now this retarded commerical. you know, i can't stand it when someone acts smug over languages and won't admit it... "oh, my japanese is not that good, mada mada desu... hahahah". fuck you bakayarou. it's written all over your smuggy-ass face. you obviously feel superior to everyone else BUT you think you can get away with being modest by not saying anything? fuck that. i know when i speak in a language that none of my friends know, i'm fucking PROUD, i'll admit it anytime. in fact, i'm really pissed off that none of my taiwanese friends ever remarked "your japanese is really good". if they ever said that, i'd say "yeah, it really is the fucking shit, isn't it?" i won't just put this retarded smug look and say "oh, it's not that good, mada mada desu... hahaha". fuck that. you can't have your cake and eat it too. i'll come out and say it right now... i think my japanese is the goddamn shit, and i think that makes me goddamn special. so the next time you see me speak japaense when i'm with my girlfriend, i really am thinking that i'm better than you.

fucking unbelievable. here's a LONG mail i just got from chika-chan, some pretentious "ooh, i can speak japanese, i'm better than everyone else" taiwanese bitch who's unfortunately also my gf's language exchange partner. she's also fat, not very pretty, a confirmed aries, and a bitch. whoops, i already said that.

here's the mail, addressed to every fucking person in her address book:



what does it say? loosely transated:

"hi everybody long time no see. is everyone doing well? it must be cold in japan. time has really flown by hasn't it? without knowing it, one year has already passed.[wow, this is really interesting] i'm going to graduate in june this year, then i'm going to work at a really nice company, so i think this time, i'll work longer than one year. [one year? you SURE you want to work longer than that, you fickle bitch?] but i won't be able to use japaese a lot, what a pity! but once I start work, i'm going to try my best [that's nice]. i don't think my japanese is as good as i want it, so next year i'm going take the official japanese language test. if i'm lucky enough to pass, i'm going to go attend an exchange program in japan. because of this, i'll try my best to study hard while i'm working. chika [omg referring to yourself in the third fucking person... just how low is your iq?]moved so here's my new address: [bitch address removed] i'll be here for another year so if you're still around give me a shout! let's get together again and have fun! happy new year!"

yes chika, thank you very much... sending your "chika-newsletter" to all those people who barely know you and barely give a shit about you. what the fuck do you want from us, a lollipop? MAIL THIS SHIT TO PEOPLE WHO CARE, NOT TO EVERY FUCKING NAME ON YOUR ADDRESS BOOK, YOU DUMB BITCH!

god, fucking aries people...i bet the only reason she sent that "chika-newsletter" was to show off her l33t japanese skillz. low content smothered with abundant use of "advanced" sentences patterns. now, i have no problem with junk mail, even if it's totally uninteresting. at least the person tried to entertain me along with the underlying "please notice me!" message. but PR mass mails? fuck, this is something in a league of its own.

btw i'm not calling her a bitch solely based on this e-mail. she's been fairly low quality ever since my girlfriend knew her. she begged to work at the japanese restaurant where my girlfriend waitressed, but then when she found out she couldn't use a lot of japanese on the job, she quit after 2 weeks. now, i can usually sympathize with people who leave their jobs because they don't fit, but i DON'T sympathize with people who leave their job and make all these lame cover-up excuses to justify it. it was so perfectly clear that chika left because it didn't satisfy her selfish motvations, but insead of admitting it, she made 100 other excuses to justify it. goddamnit chika, why can't you just FUCKING admit that all you care about is your japanese, you dumbass perpetual PR-whoring bitch.

oh yeah, one more thing chika, get a boyfriend ASAP. i really mean it... get a fucking boyfriend. you sound like you really need one.

(sidenote: ok, not all aries are bad. charlie's girlfriend sharon seems pretty cool. but people like chika are the fucking norm for this sign. aries people do this kind of self-love shit all the time. they really should be removed from society... these goddamn pests)

bought this from kinokuniya bookstores today. splendid material. nothing is better than reading into a mind of another person. here's one page that caught my eye



its fine in a sense that you can make a comfortable living at it. but besdies financial security it realy isnt that wise of a profession. i feel like i'm being evaluated 24 hrs a day, being in a band is hard work and the acclaim itself just isn't worth it. unless you still like playing. and i do. god how i do love playing live, its the most primal form of energy release you can share with othe rpeople besdies having sex or taking drugs. so if you see a good ilve show on drugs and then later that evening have sex youve basically covered all the bases of energy release, and we all need to let off steam, its easier and safer than protesting abortion clinics praising god or wanting to hurt your brother so go to a show dance around a bit and copulate.

at 2:00 today i went for the interview with xpec, the ONLY taiwanese game developer that has successfully launched any game on the console market (ex-chaser). actually, before today's interview i thought that all taiwanese game companies were capable of producing were cheap $10 diablo ripoffs that play like shit. but this game, ex-chaser, actually got the honor of being reviewed by famitsu... score of 6, 8, 7, 6 if i remember correctly. not bad! actually that's fucking amazing, japanese people playing a game made by taiwanese???? that just doesn't sound right. maybe we're actually starting to get good.

i get to their office with an overwhelming fear that it's one of those taiwanese ghetto joints... those who've worked at a lot of small companies here will know what i'm talking about. working in cubicles smaller than a bathroom stall. staring at 14" crt monitors dating back to 10 years ago. fortunately, the office is relatively artsy and spacious... the ceiling is uncovered revealing all the underlying pipes giving it a raw and free flowing impression...and almost everybody's display is either a 15" LCD or a 19" CRT... and to quote patrick bateman, "relief washes over me in an awesome wave". if i'm not mistaken, they have the whole 5th floor to themselves, and that's a lot of square footage.

so then i am sitting in one of their meeting rooms alone, writing down some dull systemized job application form... then i come to the most amusing "personailty quiz" part... filled with questions like "what was the greatest difficulty i've ever encountered in the workplace" and "how did you deal with that difficulty". i wrote my answers half-heartedly, in english no less. if i was the interviewer, i wouldn't even trust the answers people put down here. it's shameless self promotion space. i mean how can you give an honest answer when you know you're going to be judged on that answer? eg Q: "what do you think a good manager should do". well, bob, i think he should just stay the fuck out of my way and encourage my creative juices instead of being a whore to the marketnig staff... whoops, that's not right... um okay let me try again... a manager should delegate responsibilities to the appropraite people and make sure his staff are always working efficiently... yep... that's the right answer.

after i fill this form out, i have a pre-interview with angeline, the assistant manager. angeline's a great person, i can tell. anyways, this is where i tried to be honest and sincere with her regarding my job requirements. i used to bullshit people during interviews but found out that I was only hurting myself in the long run because if I actually scored the job, I'd probably hate it anyways and be eating my own words (fucking lucent canada)... so i told her honestly that while my resume screams "joe blow C++ programmer", what i would REALLY like to do is game design, or if that's not possible, score the soundtrack for their games...well, she was a little taken aback of course, because she assumed I came here for a programming job and that's the manager she arranged for me to meet later on, but she said said that she understood and that from her own point of view someone like me coudlnt' stand programming all day long. yep, i think i agree. programming just sucks, especially when it's low level shit. i'm an abstraction whore... i like to think on abstract levels... sitting at a desk and coding someone else's requiremetns like a robot all day long is not my idea of living life. if i was shit poor and had to choose between cleaning washrooms & programming, i'd program. but given my current financial situation i'd do anything else 1st.

so she said she'd arrange for me to meet with the head of game design some other time because he wasn't in the office today... and i said that's a great idea, i'd love to talk to him and see if there's any way i can fit into their group. even it's some kind of no-pay internship, i wouldn't care... i'd be in BLISS that i can finally enter my dream career... and i'm sure good things will follow from there... she mentioend that while music production is currently outsourced to another company, if they ever get bigger then they might open their own private studio... oh lordy lordy lordy... wouldn't that be a treat!!!

of course, i was a bit conflicted over whetehr i should just go for the "readily available" programming job and hope for something better later. but i did a lot of soul searching, and i realized... that i don't work for fame or prestige or money.. i work because i love the work... and i hate sitting in front of a computer all day doing non-abstract technical work. i want to create stuff on an abstract level... compose music, design games... high level stuff that requries self expression and a bit of an artistic side. i think if i just settled for a programming job, even though it's an intersting one (xbox programming), i would be kicking myself for not trying for better opportunities.

been whoring on final fantasy x-2 for the last week. one thing i've noticed now is that when i play any rpg-type game, i play from a 'power gamer' perspective. that is, i try to find the most time-efficient way to circumvent the inherent difficulty curve so that i can laugh at how easy the game is with my newfound "cheap tactics". if i can't find any cheap tricks, then i stop playing. that sorta happened with diablo ii exp a couple of years back. i just couldn't find any cheap tricks...so it got boring.

in ffx2, the million dollar cheapass tactic is to get the alchemist dress-sphere ASAP in chapter 2, then use a "AP gaining loop" strategy to learn "mega-potion" in less than half an hour. once you have mega-potion, you're nearly invicible. 2000HP (!!!) healing to all party members at no cost every turn, and since it's classified as item use, silence, reflect, nor shell can get in the way. sweet. power gamer nerd orgasm alert.

i just love these kinds of cheap loopholes in games. in the original diablo (when it first came out), i had fucking multiple orgasms with a necromancer and corpse explosion. i would join 8 player games and just stand behind all those hard working warriors and paladins slowly hacking away at a crowd of monsters, then when a couple of monsters went down, i would start the corpse explosion madness and in less than 2 seconds there would be nothing left on the screen except a pile of corpses and of course the dumbass warriors and paladins who were so pissed off that i got all the kills and exp for doing almost nothing. god, those moments really gave my nerd self a big hard-on. too bad blizzard closed down on that tactic pretty fast. i also started a static field/frozen orb sorceress, but that was quite a bit of hard work compaerd to the necromancer.

come to think of it, my brain is always working behind the scenes to find the most effortless, time-efficient way to get the best results in any game of any kind. my objective is simply to win, even if it means playing cheap or dirty. for instance, in quake2 dm, i would just camp at certain spots (usually near the railguns and rocket launchers) and kill defenseless people as they tried to pick up the weapon. i probably didn't have the reflexes to beat the best player on that server 1 on 1, but it didn't matter. i was too good at picking on easy targets.

in jedi knight, i was a fucking all-star material... i totally mastered the 1-hit kill backslash... and i knew all the cheap tricks. level 3 pull-> backslash. grip->toss a loser down the hole. absorb against good players. i never did any fancy shit like run against the wall or double jump to kick someone down, or, heaven forbid, actually attack normally with my lightsaber. these methods look good, but they just don't produce results. and i was all about the resuts... the kills/min. running into a crowd and trying to throw out as many 1-hit kill backslashes as fast as i could. hiding behind a corner and holding down the grip button to "flick" people down a hole before their finger could even touch the absorb or push/pull buton. didn't matter if my tactics didn't require any real skill. as long as my name appeared on the top of the final score list, i was satisfied. of course, i would always add the ultra-sarcastic "gg" before the next level loaded just to piss people off.

or how about war3. they patched that game so many times, but every iteration of the patch i would go into the war3 forums and look for anyone complaining about some imbalanced strategy, then with my war3 posse we would go online and abuse it. massing night elf huntresses. massing steam tanks. massing raiders. building orc burrows next to the enemy town hall at the beginning of the game. every patch had that one fatal imbalance and all we played for was to exploit the imbalance. when we won, we'd even rub in the losers faces. but when the game went gold and all the imbalances were weeded out, the game just wasn't fun anymore. you actually needed to put mental effort to win.

i guess that says a lot about me. i'm cheap, abusive, lazy, and will do anything to win except for hard work. i think if i ever got into a real fight... i would play real dirty. like hit them hard in the nuts... or pretend to surrender, and when they let down their guard, hit them hard in the nuts. then when they're on the ground, i'll just keep kicking them in the nuts until they feel so much pain they pass out. why bother playing fair. it takes too much effort.

when a huge food chain like mos burger has inexcusable engilsh written on the walls of their restaurant

i've had numerous people tell me that it's surprising how i wrote so much personal stuff in this blogger. well, for one thing, if the stuff here wasn't personal, i doubt anyone would read it. i know from my own personal taste that bloggers that seem to be "covering something up" are not very interesting. people naturally want to see what's underneath the blanket, because it's something you can't do very often in daily social life. in the privacy of your own home, with something as non-invasive as visiting a web page, people can indulge in this pleasure for free.

i'd like to think of this place as sort of a sanctuary where i can write WHATEVER comes to mind and not feel responsible for it. it's a place where my inner child is allowed to express itself without fear of judgement or reprimand. that's why i puropsely don't have links for comments. seeing my own post garner zero comments is depressing. it's like firing off an e-mail to a friend and never getting a reply. i'd rather not send an e-mail at all. even worse, seeing a comment that says "you're a fucking idiot, get a life" would be extremely discouraging as well. i'd probably need 3 or 4 days of cuddling with my girlfriend to rebuild my shattered ego.

my dad is just about the only person who has chastised me for my "inappropriateness". i can understand fully. a lot of stuff here would probably strike the wrong chord with certain people. if an aries person reads that astrology post, i doubt they'd be very pleased, but they'd probably say to themselves "why the fuck should i care what this loser thinks" and never come back. i need an audience of course, this whole blogger thing won't work if i'm writing "just for myself", but i'd pretty sure the people who like reading this site are the ones who don't get easily offended by non-invasive comments. that is, after all, the beauty of the design of the "blog". you came here to read it, so if you don't like it, it's not my fault.

i really put litle "effort" towards maintaing this site. often i will come home and have an idea or complaint fresh in my head, and i just can't wait to write it down. when i start writing, i dont' stop. i just keep writing at the fastest speed i can type and don't look back until i'm done. those blogs are usually the best ones. usually they have lots of swearing too.

obviously, a lot of what i say here is "wrong"... hell, i could play the "anti-terry-blog" person role myself and pick apart any my own entries with a sophisticated argument that would be hard to refute. but why should i saddle myself with "correctness". these are not essays to be submitted to anyone. it's just my mind on paper, disgusting or beautiful, correct or incorrect, informed or misinformed. in this sheer rawness, i find beauty... because it is some form of truth that i desire.

sigh... why do i cling to this futile crusade to convince the world that signs have some degree of truth to them.

i just saw a tennis match between justine henin-hardenne and capriati. i think justine's absolutely beautiful. that down-to-earth capricorn look. gf was a bit pissed at my giddiness. but i have to say, capriati repells me. that ugly face, that overbloated body. of course, my girlfriend says she likes her, just to spite me i suppose. she cheered for capriati while i cheered for justine.

just checked capriati's sign. fucking aries. no wonder. all my good friends know, i detest aries people. i can make a safe bet that no aries person is reading my site on a consistent basis, because they think people like me aren't worth their time. that's okay, cuz i have no aries friends. have quite a few capricorn and scorpio buddies, but not a single aries. in general, aries are shallow, pushy, and have a fucking huge ego. they're the type of people who buy so many useless presents (because they overindulge in self love) and send people too many greeting cards (because they overindulge in self love). they're the type who need love and respect but would rather die than admit that they do (because they overindulge in self love). also, i've noticed that female aries will almost always wear some perfume on a consistent basis (because they overindulge in self love)

my mom is an aries. i found that out years after i reailzed how much we don't get along. trying to maintain a 1 minute conversation is sheer torture. dischord everywhere. it seems everything i want to talk about pisses her off, and everything she wants to talk about pisses me off.

and then there's my only aries cousin, the one who fucking harped on me endlessly. needless to say, i don't like her very much now. i never really liked her in fact... except when i was 5 years old and thought she smelled really good (perfume).

it's so hard to prove signs because it's not something that is proveable scientifically by nature. it's such a touchy feely thing...

but anwyays, for fun, here's how i rank each sign (depending on how many people in each sign that i really like):

aries: 0 stars
taurus: *****
gemini: ***
cancer: **
leo: *
virgo: ***
libra: ***
scorpio: *****
sagittarius: ****
capricorn: *****
aquarius: ***
pisces: *****

you know what's weird... the fact that i'm still friends with matt (capricorn) and wei (taurus). past high school, a lot of people naturally disappeared from my life, and yet for some inexplicable reason, there was this force that me together with a few select people. matt is really a mystery. we weren't even good friends in high school. but somehow we managed to keep in touch. even though he went to a totally differnet school, something just compelled us to go out of our way to hook up on weekends and play golf / have lunch together. the thing is, i never make friends for the sake of making friends. i make friends because i like being with them. so in retrospect, the fact that i still know him is something that puzzles me.

traditional hypothesis-based science has no real explanation why some people go well together and some don't. they'll just attribute compatibility to different backgrounds and such. but i think it goes way beyond that. people are born with an "intrinsic nature" that will eternally diffrentiate them from other people. and the only place where you can even get a reasonable explnation between these "intrinsic natures" are astrological signs. they sound so girlie and gimmicky, and yet if you give them an honest try they will sometimes surprise you statistically. the most interesting thing about astrological signs are not the personality descriptions, but rather the sign compatibilities.

wei is a prime example of a friend that has a totally different background, and yet somehow we're able to have good talks over endless lunches. wei has been influenced by his childhood to value money, status, and prestige... and i have been influenced by my own childhood to value love, companionship, and spirtiual satisfaction. on paper, it sounds like we would never get along... fuck, our basic values are totally different. but despite these environmentally influenced differences, i always enjoy having lunch with him. it's hard for us to do anything else but talk because our hobbies are so different, and yet when i sit down and talk to him, there is a feeling of harmony and compatibility.

astrology also states that people who are born exactly 4 months apart from you are very compatible. strangely, i am good friends (or have been) with three people who are born exactly 4 months apart from me (8-25): ben chung (12-25), matt (12-25) and my ex-girlfriend (12-25). freaky.

also, some of the astrolgoical descriptions are quite true. from my own personal experience for instance, i've found that in general scorpios are deeply erotic, gemini's talk about too many things at once, virgoes rarely exude confidence in public (in contrast to aries who exude too much confidence in public). pisces are deep and reflective. sagittarius are often smiling and boisterous, libras have too many friends, taurus values emotional and financial stability, and capircorns... well... capricorn girls are really beautiful. i can't pin down anything for aquarius, cancer, and leo because i just don't know them well enough. aries of course, are the biggest assholes of the astrolgoical zodiac. all in my not-so-humble extremely-biased and unfounded opnion, of couse.

yes, sometimes i have to admit that "i am looking too deep" or that i'm twisting reality to fit the rules set by astrology. but i'm a skeptic by nature. i dont' believe in anything until i find out the truth for myself. and astrology has surprised me too many times for me to consider it a bunch of BS. nobody pushed astrology onto me... i was gently introduced to the whole concept in taiwan and then when i analyzed my own situation, everything seemed to fall in place (with a few exceptions of course).



sigh, i was so sure justine hardenne was a capricorn (one site mentioned was born 1-6-1982), but it turns out she's a gemini... june 1st. whatever. i still believe in signs. and she's still good looking.

it seems that the number of comments a girl gets on her xanga site is directly proportional to how good looking she is, even though her posts are no more meaningful than anyone else's. they will get comments even for vacuous material like what cd she's listening to:

example 1
example 2

if a girl is unattractive (usually signified by the total absence of her own picture), then usually the site is peppered with "add comments - add eprops", signifying that nobody really gives a shit about her:

example 1

and there's of course, the "averages". average looking, average # of comments:

example 1
example 2

if i ever have a daughter, and she turns out to be fuck ugly, i'll take whatever money i'll inherit from my parents and put her through plastic surgery after she graduates from high school. no matter how many times i hear politically correct bullshit about how it's the heart that matters, everything i see in this world tells me otherwise. it's so funny how men like to pretend they are in control of themselves when face to face with a pretty girl. the truth is so goddamn transparent... it's written all over their body language. i'm not saying i'm different. i'm exactly the same. except that i admit it.

pretty girls exist to be enjoyed by men. ugly girls exist as a necessity to define pretty girls. while i'm sure ugly girls will try to find some other raison d'etre, there is no way a heterosexual human can perpetually deny his inherent desire to be loved and appreciated by the opposite sex.

let's see, what did i do today

woke up at 12
watched some porn
shinobu comes home from work, we go eat lunch
come back, i do 3 hours of work while she takes a nap
go to mos burger and pig out
go to eslite bookstores and read magazines
come home, eat a late night snack + red wine
play some ffx-2, which i find more and more intolerable day by day.

yay

here in taipei, i get free "softcore" porn (no pussy/nipples) on channel 79 every night. sometimes i may be channel surfing late at night, then i hit channel 79 and i see this awesome asian girl in a string bikini, and all of sudden my testicles wake up and i have this sudden urge to masturbate (even though i had real sex like 8 hours ago). unexpectedness + good variety of sexy girls = really powerful shit. just goes to show that there's more to sexual stimulation than just seeing fresh pussy and tits. actually, i think i've watched so much hardcore porn now that even the most explicit stuff (eg double penetration with two huge black dicks) is getting old. and i don't plan on going further than that... things like scat porn just make me sick. anyways, my favorite scene on channel 79 is this one commercial where this young, beautiful slightly tanned asian girl is wearing nothing but panties and a kitchen apron... and she's in the kitchen bending over doing the dishes + mopping the floor, saying things like "hi honey, i've been doing housework and waiting for you all day"... god that is SUCH a turn-on.



speaking of porn, i'd better reburn some of my old porn cd's. my oldest one dates back to 11/23/00. i've collected a lot of good shit ever since i discovered the 300k/sec rogers alt.binaries.multimedia.erotica news server source. if some of those old gems were lost, i'd be heartbroken.

since this noon, i've have a recurring stomach ache... i can only attribute that to the last thing i ate before it happened.. 7-11 hot dogs & oden. shawn warned me before that these two things are the most prone to bacterial infection especially if they sit unsold for a whole day at a very warm temperature.

anyways, it really godamn hurt, we tried going to the hospital but gong guan has no emergency at this hour...wasted 200NT in taxi fees. ended up buying some medicine at a late night pharmacy. it's great, these places are open all the time, there's a pharmacist willing to do a quick diagnosis and issue medicine. feeling better now.

also, somebody in chia-yi has actually responded to my wanted ad for midi sequencers. university music degree, 2 years of midi experience, should be a safe bet.

ok, i'm really fucking mad at myself, and at the fuckers who produced lord of the rings. i'm mad at myself because like a retarded sheep, i flocked to the theatres to see part 2 and part 3 even though i thought part 1 was a total snooze fest. i'm mad at the fucking producers because they were unable to produce a quality movie that I could enjoy. sure, everyone else enjoyed it, but i didn't.

what is so goddamn great about lord of the rings. no really, i just don't get it. i'm not saying this because i want to the "special" guy who hates a movie when everyone else likes it. i'm saying this in the most honest, sincere way: the movie just sucks. i kept fidgeting and making sarcastic comments during the 2nd half, and that's a sure sign that the movie failed to capture my attention. and it's not like i'm TRYING not to enjoy the movie because i want to be special. fuck, i paid 280NT to get into this goddamn theatre, why the hell should i not try to enjoy it?

i think the main problem is that i hate 90% of the characters. i positively hate frodo "baggage" (because that's all he really is). he is so fucking stupid, why the hell would he rather trust a butt-ugly 3-ft creep over his own childhood friend? and what's with that dumbass "oh god, i'm in so much pain" face he makes all the time? and gollum, wow, i never would have thought there would be a movie character more annoying than jar jar binks. he is so FUCKING ugly, it makes me wince everytime the camera gets close enough for me to notice that he still has a few hairs on his head. kudos to the CG team, job well done. never have i wanted to see a character get beat up so badly in a movie. who else do i think is a shit character. oh yes, the dwarf. what's his name? don't fucking care. he's so goddamn useless and has the most stupid lines. should've used him as catapult ammo during the war. i hate the human hero dude too... aragorn i think... man, characters like these are the prime reason why pretentious hollywood assholes are rampant in our society. he just stands there and spouts all these cool honorable lines like he's the most perfect all-knowing dude on ths planet. HELLO??? show us some goddamn weakness will ya? at least make it believable.

what else is there to whine about. ahh yes. the fact this whole story is based on a stupid ring. for christ sakes, if you can fly OUT of mordor, can't you fly INTO mordor? think about it. if my mission was to bring a damn ring into some fiery volcano hundreds of miles away, do you think i'd hoof it there on foot if i could get a fucking massive eagle to take me by air instead? hell, you wouldnt' even have to get off, just get close enough over the volcano and let that goddamn ring go. sure, there'd be dragons, but just take gandalf with you and get him to cast that weirdass ray-of-light spell that seems to have a massive AOE effect on all dragons in range. kinda like transport drops in starcraft/warcraft, there'd be a way. but no. instead, frodo and his stupid gang have to go there on BARE FOOT. the most stupid way you could think of.

sigh, what else was stupid... yes the undead army at the end. just a nice green wave of cg skeletons running through the entire enemy army and leaving nothing alive in the wake. what a great fucking anti-climatic way to end it. these guys can attack the living, but the living can't even retaliate? um, so.. explain to me... how can you lose with these guys on your side? right. exactly. fucking retarded.

and let's not forget the good ol cinematic cliches. the "bad guy gets killed right before killing good guy". at least two of those in this flick. the "blah blah blah blah" pep talk given to soldiers by their leader right before battle. we've seen that so many times now... braveheart, gladiator, joan de l'arc... no please make something DIFFERNET for a change. it's just too cheap & cheesy now.

and how about the fact that this movie just wouldn't fucking END. there were so many "last scenes" in this movie i almost got sick thinking of all the excess budget the producers must have had. i wish there was like a little countdown in the corner... "5 more scenes until end". at least it would have helped the waiting.

ok... my rant is now over. that felt damn good. you know, my gf actually cried at the end of this movie, (but felt nothing at the end of last samurai). she wasn't the only one. near the end of the movie, i kept looking around me and saw that nearly 35% of the female crowd was in tears. WHAT!?!?! what is so fucknig sad about this movie? all the important characters lived! if that badass elf dude legolas died, i'd understand. he really is the shit. but all the important "lovable" characters goddamn lived. frodo, sam, those two gay hobbit dudes, gandalf, aragorn, his pretty elf bitch played by liv tyler, even the retarded dwarf survived for christ sakes. what the hell is there to cry about? i just don't understand.

no sarcasm here. it was just a good day. picked up manhunt and ffx-2 from charlie (thanks dude, don't kill yourself working so hard!) then got a surprise call from xpec (www.xpec.com.tw) who asked me for an interview next monday. should be interseting. don't know if i can handle a full-time job now though. if they hired me as a music composer, i'd be in bliss. too bad it's not listed in the hiring section. i'd figure, with my comp sci degree, english/japanese ability, and music composing ability, there should be at least something for me there. well here's hoping. i also posted a wanted ad at forumosa to see if anyone wants to help out with midi sequencing. the load's just getting too heavy.

on my way to ntu hospital, i spotted this absolutely gorgeous girl, the capricorn down-to-earth type. so i made a 180 turn on my bike, passed them from behind, turned around and pretended to take a picture of the surrounding area. too bad she was frowning.



am i turning into some kind of weird stalker? yep, i guess so.

downloaded my 8 songs this month for CMUSIC.

amidst a bunch of new generation rap songs i have never heard of, i also received:

prodigy-breathe

damn, i'm in ectsasy. that's a song that i've actually listened too probably more than 20 times in my life. fat of the land was my favorite album. ok, time to get to work ASAP.

30 minutes later

as i thought, this song is goddamn hard to recreate in midi. the original is too highly sampled. the drums are simply a bitch... too much weird resonating unidentifiable sounds. i tried downloading some midi's made from other peope, but they totally suck. it's not just the patches... the actual note information is incorrect.

today was a good day for a change. started off with lunch at wataya ramen shop. then to the bess hair salon for a head wash and massage. fuck that felt good. didn't want to get my hair cut tho, actually i haven't had it cut by a barber for over 6 months, and i don't plan to either. don't trust them. then to mos burger for some hot tea and tiramisu. then all the way down to warner village cinemas to see lord of the rings. no seats. fuck you crowd. to avoid making our long trip pointless, we wandered around the neighbouring mitsukoshi aimlessly. a feeling of overwhelming vacuity came over me. you know how in simcity, everyone wants cool commercial zones, so you overzone a huge high-density commerical zone even though there's no real demand, and in the end every 5th store is the goddamn same? that's what this area was like. overzoned commercial area with too many goddamn repetitive stores.

but the highlight of the evening was when we decided to eat at chili's even though it was unbelievably expensive. i don't regret it one bit. chili's is american food done right. we had unbelievable ribs and a salad that i will never forget. lettuce+onions+boiled egg bits+bacon bits+cheese bits+fried chicken+carrots+tomatoes+thick creamy dressing= one hella good salad. i actually had multiple food orgasms after each bite. it was SO FUCKING good... i kept moaning and screaming "oh fuck.. this is so FUCKING amazing...", and shinobu was laughing real hard. she loved it too. the ribs were damn good too. it was all REALLY good food. just thinking of it makes my mouth water. for anyone in taiwan who's reading this, you MUST go to chili's at least once. give that salad a try. not the chicken caesar, the other one...

then back home for some real sex and my daily orgasm. today's orgasm was simultaneous, hadn't had one of those in a while. received compliments from my girlfriend again for my unbelievable sexual self control. weird, i have so little self control in real life, but when it comes to sex i think i'm better than average. well that's according to the author of sex for dummies who believes a simulatanous orgy is some kind of miracle that almost never happens. not for terry and shinobu... i've already lost count in fact (and yes, i'm very fucking proud of this. and yes, i'm fucking arrogant. i know i know i know).

so to recap, got massaged, had food orgasms, had a sexual orgasm, and now i'm going to sleep. basically i accomplished nothing and indulged myself the whole day. but i feel super. thank you very much.

outer conformity
outer harmony
outer respect
sheep

inner dischord
inner dissatifcation
inner longing
inner pain

pretension
fake
mirror of sanity
so very fragile

my gf is currently wants a haircut, oblivious to the fact that her current hairstyle is undeniably aesthetically appealing, yet she is driven by her inner psyche to browse through fashion magazines in the search of something better, something that will make her more complete, more beautiful, more attractive, oblivious to the fact that every previous attempt at doing so has failed miserably and has only succeeded in making her hair shorter and slightly less appealing... now she is in front of the mirror making microscopic adjusments to her eyebrows which i will never notice nor will 99% of the pubilc.... but it satisfies her... gives her something to live for, and i cannot complain with that. obsession and efficiency do not go hand in hand. her behavior is a manifestation of the human trait of never being completely satisfied with a static state. keeping the same static state of apperance will never satisfy her past a certain period of time, she must keep changing for better or worse lest she falls into depression regarding her own apperance. she must buy new shoes, new clothes, new apparels, even though the things she throws away are just as good looking. we accept so wholeheartedly that women can be illogically fickle and ever-changing with their own fashion and clothes, and yet when a man wants to fuck and deeply connect with a different girl after fucking and deeply connecting with the same one for the longest period of time, it's taboo. there are so many things we illogically indulge in and yet at the same time so many things we would like to indulge in freely but society has already set up roadblocks in our minds.... creating dischord, pain, longing, eternal dissatifaction. such is the plight of such an evolved group of human beings living under an artificallly created set of rules that ironically were designed to prevent such feelings of dischord and pain. as long as we are human, dischord and pain and confilct are unavoiable no matter what kind of rules we create.

is chicken soup for the soul
had more than enough in the last 24 hours
feeling much better

i bought a new s-video cable to hookup my computer's tv-out to my tv. good quailty i must say... divx movies look superb, maybe like 60-70% of true dvd quality. anyways, i popped in american psycho because given my current mood maybe i could get a few epiphanies...

funny how my reaction was very different from last time i saw it... i guess i could empathize much better with bateman's plight. living in a world saturated with pretension and the need to "fit in" a certain culture, he tries his best to surpress his inner desire to kill, until he cannot control it and lets loose on the world. the irony is that even as he kills so many people, nobody wants to believe it... even when he confesses everything to his lawyer, almost as a cry for help and wanting to be seen, his lawyer mistakes him for someone else and refuses to listen. at the end, pretension and his "illusory self" are the only entities that are allowed to exist in this world. his true inner self, the "deranged murderer" side of him, has been strangely completely ignored by society... in some kind of satiric sense.

shinobu watched this one with me and had a few interesting observations as well. i never understood that scene when he goes back to paul allen's apartment and finds that everythng has been moved out, including all the dead bodies. then when he gets embarassingly caught by the real estate agent, i was like... why didn't the agent call the police? duh... it's so obvious now, who wants to buy an apartment where a bunch of sick massacres were commited?

also the scene where bateman fucks evelyn, evelyn gets out a cigarette, bateman says "didn't know you smoked", and evenlyn just says "you never noticed". never really understood the meaning of that, but my girlfriend explained it real well: "it means they never kiss even when having sex". NOW i get it...

for some reason, when bateman goes on his massive killing spree, shooting the security guard and then the janitor... i just coudln't stop laughing. i laughed so hard that my stomach started to hurt, and shinobu was a little worried about me... but i guess, it's just hilarious how he finally just lets his inner self explode like that, and randomly kills people without thinking twice... but it's like... who doesn't laugh when they run over innocent people or beat whores up with a baseball bat in games like GTA... violence is built deep into the human psyche as some kind of pleasure zone, just like sex... except violence of course is far more unacceptable... guess that's why i feel sorry for someone like bateman... he's got this uncontrollable urge to kill and therefore by nature he cannot fit in society... sometimes i get the same feeling with my own nearly uncontrollable desire to fuck every girl that resembles zhang zi yi...

i'm so tired of life.
it's all the same patterns, every single fucking day
every single fucking day, the moment i step out my door and enter the world of society, pretension fills the air, and i start to feel sick.
i really feel sick inside.
i crave empathy and understanding... and yet nothing in this world can provide it
nothing
nothing
nothing
today at lunch, i was feeling okay i guess. i tried talking to my girlfriend. i made a comment that the girl next to me had a poor japanese accent. she got angry, and sad that i should stop making inappropriate comments like that all the time, because people might get offended. very true. yes, very fucking true, congratulations, i NEVER knew that... wow, thanks for the goddamn amazing revelation. so i'm being inconsiderate to a fucking STRANGER who probably doesn't even give a shit what i say. and my girlfriend, the person whom i'd like to think i am close with, gives me a fucking hard time for not being pretentious. so the conversation moved on to acceptable topics. weather. who's doing what. what's happening in the world. which fucking philospher said what. my head started to hurt so badly, my heart sank so deep, that i just couldn't stand to hear another fucking banal word come out of her mouth. so i paid for both our meals (in other words "fuck you", my mom loves doing this too), and i went home first. she came home 20 minutes later. i gave her 10000NT, told her to buy all the things she wants to buy so badly, because i have no fucking clue as to what to do with money anymore other than pay rent, bills, and food. so she gets up and in an exasperated tone, asks me "what's wrong terry? did i do something wrong? tell me". i would try explainng, but judging by her character which i know so well, it would be just futile. felt good gettnig her attention though. but just around that time i had a famiiar feeling come down on me again... feeling suicidal... like i just want to jump off this building from the futility of it all. it's all so futile. this world is so fucking pretentious and i cannot adapt. i am a mistake of society...

since i'm such a foul negative mood right now, i suppose it wouldn't hurt to feed off it and write some more socially unacceptable blogs. today's topic is chinese dinners. i just had a goddamn chinese dinner 4 hours ago... and you know what... i fucking hate them. it's fucking pretension paradise. everytime i attend one of these dinners my head fucking hurts from all the banality and stupid-ass jokes tossed around. what's even worse, i'm forced to laugh at all these retarded jokes like they're actually funny because if i don't, people will look at me and say "what's wrong? not feeling well?" you know what's goddamn wrong? here's a typical scenario

food comes around that stupid revolving table.
idiot 1 stands up, takes the spoon, and tries serving idiot 2 before serving himself
idiot 2 says "no no no, please don't serve me, help yourself first"

5 minutes later, another dish comes around
idiot 2 stands up, takes the spoon, and tries serving idiot 1 before serving himself
idiot 1 says "no no no, please don't serve me, help yourself first"

and this retarded process continues ad nauseum. for christ sakes, why can't people just fucking eat their own goddamn food and shutup. why do they have to keep pretending like they actually want to be bothered to serve food for someone they don't even give a shit about. yes, i "understand" this all part of the culture, and even i participate in this pretentious freak show, but that doesn't stop me from thinking it's fucking stupid. and what's with all the "bottoms up". it's like, you can't even pay attention to your own food because every minute you gotta watch out for that stranger in corner raising a toast. sometimes, someone will raise a toast to me, and i'm like... "who the FUCK are you?" but like a chump, i raise my stupid glass to this stranger, smile, and oblige to this fucking freak show.

here's a "typical" funny joke that gets tossed around

old geezer: "actually, if a bottle of taiwan beer has a cockaroach in it, it sells for more"
me with a fake curious expression: "why?"
old geezer: "because it's higher in protein"

hahahahahah. hahahah
hhahahaah
wow, please stop, you're fucknig killing me! and i get accused by another old geezer for not having a sense of humor. sorry, my fake laugh slipped for a bit, could you please re-judge me? say the joke again, i'll laugh...i promise.

thank GOD
thank GOD... that
my beautiful cousin tracy was there today. you know, i always can't undersatnd why she attends these events. most of the time, she just sits there in the corner staring off into space eating her food without saying a single word . it's such a SHAME that i never got to sit next to her all those other times. today, thanks to fate, we sat together, and had a real good talk. you know, i could just feel it... that she only talks deep... it's all over her face, her body language... and so i had little hestiation to make my very first question: "are you sensitive to pretension"... and the moment she gave me an honest answer, i knew we could connect... all i wanted to do at that point was erase everyone else, teleport ourselves to a coffee shop and just talk to each other with no stupid "bottoms up" coming at us from every corner.

but like a chump, i will attend the next chinese dinner, and the one after that, and after that, but only out of respect for uncle patrick who is so nice to actually invite me to these ridiculously banal events... but that's not his fault. i know he cares for me and that's the most important thing. and if tracy goes, i'll definitely be there, and i'll fight to sit next to her even if it gives other people ammunition to poke fun at me. the people i treasure the most in this world are those that i can really connect with.

here's the situation as it stood 20 minutes ago. came home from a long family gathering dinner with uncle patrick. wanted to fuck my girlfriend. but she kept moaning and complaining about how she was so tired. the one thing i fucking hate is when she just could say "get the fuck off me, i don't want to have sex", instead, she acts like she is some kind of fucking martyr and starts giving me a heartless blowjob, every second her body language is like "see what a fucking disgustig pig you are, forcing me to have sex". no need for that. i fucking hate forcing people to do things they don't want. so i say, in the most gentle, self-controlled tone, "that's okay, i know you're tired... sleep." and then for some stupid reason, i just started feeling so goddamn depressed. i just couldn't stand being in house anymore, so i go out for a walk at shi-da. i walk at half speed, not knowing where the fuck i'm going. i meander into the 7-11, thinking i should buy something so that my trip outisde is not wasted. but there's nothing to buy. i've already drank beer, ate plenty, and i don't forsee being hungry tonight. so i walk around even more, meandering into random shops, feeling this heavy sinknig feeling in my chest. so fucking depressed. i start looknig at all these people walking around, smiling, wondering what the fuck is wrong with me. can anyone in this world actually walk the streets genuinely feeilng happy? i'm guessing everyone feels like shit inside but since nobody wants to hang around someone who feels like shit all the time, they all pretend to smile and laugh like everything's okay. i really envy those people who can be content with their life, because i sure as hell can't. then i thought to myself...real hard... if there was anything i could do right now... anything at all... what would it be? after about five secodns of thinking, the only thing came to my mind is... i want to fuck teresa, or i want to fuck chynadoll18. that's all i goddamn want. my mom sent me 300US as a christmas present. today at family dinner my face got red and hot for some reason... probably from drinking a little johnny walker (which tasted like absolute shit).. then some faggoty old man tries to crack a stupid joke "terry's face is red because he just got all that money and his heart is beating so hard because he doesn't know how to spend it". fuck you. i don't give a shit about that money. in fact, i'm just going to give it all to my girlfriend. she's always whining how she can't buy the makeup she wants, or the shoes she wants... so i'll give all that money to her and let her spend it any way she wants. right now, i don't fucking need any material possessions. i just want to fuck teresa and chynadoll18. but i can't do that. first, i probably can't get them to fuck me... secondly, even i did, i'd fuck up my relatinoship with my girlfriend, she'd be heartbroken, i'd be fucking heartbroken because she is, and lots of people are going to fucking harp on me for being a chimpanzee. so no, i won't do anything stupid, even though my fucking hormones are telling me do stupid things every fucknig second that i am awkae at this moment. i don't know what else the fuck to say, except if anyone tries to e-mail me saying "what's wrong with you" or "you have issues" or "you need help" or "you're too unstable" or "get a life" or more of thie fucking same ol' judgemental cliches i've been hearing all my life, i don't need to fucking hear it, i fucking KNOW everything you could posisbly say. right now, i'm just feeling so fucking blue, tomorrow once i enter pretention land again, i'll smile and act like nothing went wrong. but i wanted to capture the intense emotional feelings i had in the last 20 minutes because i don't want to ignore it and pretend like nothing happened. it fucking happened... it happened to me every fucking lonely night in toronto... and i guess that's why i'm here. my life is just a fucking escape from depression and pain. good night, and happy holidays to you all.

this time though, a virtual one... with chynadoll18 (the girl on the left). i think she is unbelievably attractive... looks like my ex + michelle tam morphed together. it's weird but... in order for me to like a girl, her face has to be "flawed" in the some way i cannot describe. either her forehead is too big, or her nose is too long... or something. i guess that's why i never liked looking at supermodels. they're so aesthetically perfect that it almost looks fake. too good to be true. i'd much rather prefer that "girl next door" feel. too bad no such girls ever lived near my house in toronto. hmm... but here in taiwan... there is one downstairs...

what's weird is that my girlfriend can actually pick out girls that i think are attractive with near 100% accuracy. we'll pass by some stranger girl on the street, and she'll say "you like her, dont' you"... and i'll be like.. "whoh... how did you know that?". when she first saw chynadoll, she said the same thing...guess that's one of her talents. which reminds me... today at ikea, the whore of furniture stores, my girlfriend and i had a fight about this very same topic. for some stupid reason, i told her that i didn't find her to be super attractive when we first met (stupid stupid stupid)... and she sulked for 20 minutes while i tried to make up all bullshit about how i don't really care for apperances since apperances don't mean anything in a long-term relationship, which is what i have always wanted. well, maybe it's not bullshit... because really when choosnig a life partner, emotional compatibilty should definitely be first. but anyways, she was understably upset and said that i was her first boyfriend that didn't like her type of face ('shisukoi' in japanese, the girl on the right in that picture probably has the same type)... well what can i say. can't change my personal preference. just got to live with the fact that she's not anywhere close apperance-wise to my ideal girlfriend.

i don't know what's wrong with me. here i am, sitting in the darkness of my room ... and i'm feeling so goddamn empty. i don't undersatnd what's missing. so i went over a list in my head

financial activity: check. just got a nice paycheck today.
work activity: check. a good 5 hours of it.
social activity: check. going for a nice family reuinion with uncle patrick tomorrow
household activity: check. just washed the dishes.
immediate family activity: check. dad called and we had a short talk
intellectual activity: check. get that everyday takling to my girlfriend and reading other people's blogs

and of course, my personal favorite
fornication activity: check. well technically, yesterday night, but i'm not even in the mood to watch porn

i don't understand why i'm still not fucking content. maybe i need to go to tibet or something. ok... marmalade boy just came on tv. i love and hate that sappy show at the same time. guess that'll have to do for tonight.

"sometimes you wake up, and there's nothing to look forward to"

ahh... i think i've figured it out... my girlfriend went to bed way before i did, i really want to talk to someone close right now, but there's nobody at this hour. can't even handle 2 hours of loneliness without it getting to me. ... sad....but that's me.

this post is for people who are interested in synthesizer music and MIDI. i'm nearly finished my latest song for my CMUSIC contract. i just couldn't believe the results i got out of the super old Roland SC-88. this thing only has like 2MB or 4MB of onboard samples... yet.. listen to what i can make this baby dish out:

orchestra.mp3 (approx 800KB, 96kbps 32Khz MP3)

the first part isn't nothing to cry home about i guess. but the second part, with the ac.bass, two string sections, french horns, and piano... wow... it sounds so good! only 5 voices, and it sounds so good... just goes to show, to create professional-sounding music, you NEED professional samples. you can try layering 20 shitty patches all on top of each other and it will still sound like shit. or you take 5 amazing samples, and the whole thing sounds brilliant with little effort. in the case of the roland sc-88, it's the St.SlowStr patch (patch 50 var 10) that's really the killer. you can use it over the whole range and it will still sound realistic... insert a few controller 73 (attack envelope) messages, and occcasionally you may even confuse it with a real orchestra.

i can't sleep now. have this weird pain in my chest... no idea what it could be. anyways, i just talked to my mom, she mentioned that my childhood friend jesse is in real poor health. low blood pressure it seems, and he feels faint and dizzy all the time. mom's theory: "pressure from studying for exams".

if you ask me, the problem is quite simple: he's just not a computer guy. not even close. he should've never enrolled in comp.eng @ UT in the first place. i willing to bet anything that his parents made that decision for him.. along with the "anything else is a waste of your high school marks". hard to resist enroling a program that lists 85 as the minimum requirement when your average is 86. i know quite a few of these cases, myself included. most of them quit engineering after one or two years.

it's just so fucked up that people are forced nowadays to study things they don't even want to learn, all in the name of financial survival. what's even more fucked up is that people who actually manage to endure 4 years of studying shit they don't want still end up unemployed or even worse, stuck at a job they hate. i feel so much sympathy for these people, because they really have been fucked over by society. everyone knows this, but i'll say it again, unversities should be a place for higher learning, not some stepping stone for financial success. people shouldn't go to unversity because they need a job, they should go because they actually want to learn something real bad. but people have no choice anymore... you either study something or mop floors at mcdonalds. capitalism is responsible for a lot this. the perpetual need to work harder and produce more even though it's painfully clear that we already have enough. does this world really need to be so competitive? what if the gears that drive our global economy just all slowed down at the same time...wouldn't everything be better? with today's technology, we'd surely have enough to eat, and while we certainly couldn't consume excessively as we are doing today, i think everyone would be spirtually happier, and there'd be less cases like jesse. that is until one greedy bastard wants to have more than everyone else, and the cycle starts all over again...

i think things are getting back to normal. after some good sex (with my regular partner, of course), the whole teresa thing has somewhat died down. hopefully we won't bump into each other in the next few weeks. i don't want any of this crap to happen again. self control just ain't my thing. i'm more of an "environment control" kinda guy.

sadly, i've already committed man's most natural sin... taken my girlfrined for granted. it's just so goddamn hard to appreciate something that you have everyday. it's just like how i treat my parents like total shit compared to my friends. in the back of my head, i know they genuinely care for me, and would do anything for me, but that's exactly why i don't put any effort to be nice to them. whether i put the effort to be nice or not, they will still treat me equally well. isn't that so bastardly? am i the only one? i can't be. i can't point out names right now, but i've noticed that a LOT of people talk to their immediate family in a rude and offensive tone and yet when their friends come over, it's like they're a completely different person. i don't blame them. hell, i empathize. the human desire to be loved by everyone is a powerful motherfucker. makes you all nice and shit. that's also why when dating, mind games are so damn effective. once the other side starts doubting the presence of your love, they will work that much harder to get it back. but give them all your love, and they stop working for it. in the end, it just becomes a battle of who could care less.

i guess that's why i'm with my girlfriend now. when we reminisce on our dating days, the one thing she keeps mentioning is "i'm was never really sure if you liked me or not, and it kinda drove me crazy". the thing is, i never intentionally played mind games with her. i just wasnt' that crazy about her in the first place. i suppose that's why i'll never get girls i really want in bed. i always lose at mind games.

... tried to call teresa to see if she would go out for a quick dinner (since my girlfriend is at work). she was still at school. damn. had to make up some stupid reason why i called "uhh... i wanted you to ask the other guy downstairs to come up and pay his internet fee". i think she knows she's got me literally by the balls. damnit. pretty girls are just trouble, trouble, trouble. can't get her outta my goddamn head.

my girlfriend has said on many occasions that i should cut off one of my testicles, because i'm so goddamn horny all the time. i think there's a good rationale behind that... if i lived in primordial times, i probably would already have a hundred offspring by now.

after watching some very good porn, i did my usual aimless thinking in the shower. one thought that came to my mind is the old adage "there are two sides to every coin". i really don't like spoutng cliches and quotes without something to reinforce it because it's difficult to really appreciate what it means without some kind of real-life example. so i'm going to start off with a quote from the hate mail that mark received recently:

Who's there to teach you the difference between being honest and being rude? Who's there to teach you the difference between sticking to your opinion and being narrowminded? Who taught you the difference between being pretentious and being respectful?

i'm not quoting this guy because i think he is right. i'm quoting this guy because that paragraph is actualy quite interesting, with the use of seemingly bipolar words. is there really a difference between honest and being rude? for instance, if a fat, ugly broad comes up to me and asks "am i beautiful?", what am I supposed to say?

"no, you're fat" - honest and rude
"yeah, i think you're real pretty" - polite and lying.
"you're not bad". a mix of both of the above

my opinioin is that there really is no ideal answer... there are very few ideals in this world. everything, states, ideas, concepts... all seem to have a negative side to it. for instance, i'd like to think that my blogger is good because i'm so goddamn honest with whatever i write. but because of this very honesty that i'm proud of, there will inevitably be people who will take offense to what i say. it's already happened actually. would toning it down be "better"? then, people who read my blogger because it's so honest will think i'm putting up a front, and go elsewhere. in my mind, i picture a scale like this

honest/rude <-------------------------------------------------> polite/boring

where, on that scale, do you assume is the "ideal"? i don't think there is one. the middle seems to be a nice spot, but i don't think that's an "ideal" by any means. you just pick a spot, and take the good and the bad that comes from being in that spot. it's just like politics. no matter which side you take, somebody's gonna want to hang you by the neck. the good and the bad are by nature inseparable.

i can't stop thinking of teresa every 15 minutes or so. it's killing me. i have a total crush on her. i'm having these thoughts with my girlfriend 5 feet away. it's just killing me.

i can see why some people don't look forward towards marriage. usually it's those people who have no problems finding a girlfriend whenever they need one. marriage just can't be a natural thing.

you know, i feel like a selfish hyprocrite. i told my girlfriend all this bullshit about wanting to get married and being content with the same partner for life. i think i told her this because she still hadn't broken up with her previous boyfriend when we officially hooked up, and i was hoping to give her something to think about. but now i undersatnd the feeling. it all depends on what your situation is. if you have absoultely no significant other, you'd do anything just to be with someone, including false claims of eternity and loyalness. once you have your significant other safely kept in yoru pocket, i think it's just a matter of time before you naturally start to covet other people. i think one misconception society may have is that people who cheat actually plan it out like it's something they can control. but we hardly have a choice in whom we are infatuated with. it just hits us out of the blue.

i really think, at the state i am now, i would "cheat" on my girlfriend. i probably wouldn't be able to go all the way with teresa, but i'd sure as hell want to go out on a date with her. damn, that's the only thing i really want right now. i just want to go out on a date with her. get to know her or something. maybe i'll find something really revolting about her and the whole thing will be over pronto. or maybe I'll find she's an even better match than my girlfriend, and i'll be even more fucked.

hrm, this kind of reminds me of the time i was with my ex. we were in different programs, so we spent most of the time on weekdays in class with different people. during winter term, i met this really great girl whom i really enjoyed talking to. we both had a 3 hour spare on mon, wed, and fri, and i goddamn cherished that time. while i never physically cheated on my ex , i think on a lot of levels, i cheated on her emotionally. the thing is, i don't think my ex satisfied me on a lot of levels. we just couldn't communicate the way i wanted to. we were at like 10-20% communication. but with the other girl in my class, it was like 80-90% communication... just incomparable. i mean for christ sakes, i once talked to her for 9 hours over the phone straight...i could never have done that with my ex. and no, i never told my ex about her either. don't think she would have been very happy.

while my girlfrined knows i always get giddy whenever i see teresa, and doesn't think much of it, i think if she really knew how badly infatuated i was, she'd probably freak out. i certainly would. i keep whining like a baby how she shouldn't hang around other guys... because i'm always afraid of the "one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know...". for christ sakes, that's happening to me too. i'm just so goddamn selfish and greedy when it comes to love.

i think everyone's a cheater at heart. it all depends on how well you can control yourself, and how often/seldom your opportunities of cheating are. if you had a lot of chances to cheat, i think few on this planet could turn them all down... except for maybe die-hard christians. i think a lot of people believe they are loyal when in reality their loyalty comes the absence of opportunities. to me, that's not loyalty. the existence of loyalty can only be shown and proved when rigourly tested. any chap can say they are loyal... but only the masters of self-control can really pull it off.

just an hour ago, the most bodacious teresa came up and knocked an our door (sorry, watched bill and ted's a couple of days ago). she wanted to pay the shared internet fee. nothing to get all excited about right? well, how about about the fact that she put the single 500 bill in an envelope (unnecessary), and personally signed it in a feminine way (even more unnecessary). the loser dork that i am, i actually took a pic of the enevelope so i could show the world:



see, if i was with people i didn't know well, i'd just front and say that the envelope means nothing. but fuck me, that's not how i feel. my take on the situation is that she has a tiny crush on me. if she thought that i was just another nobody, she'd just hand me a 500 bill straight from her wallet. why the hell would she go out of her way to waste a perfectly good enevelope and sign the damn thing? it would make no sense.

you know, my girlfriend actually agrees with what i just said. but maybe she's just trying to make me feel happy or something. anyways, i'm really excited. not that i have any chance to make this go anywhere. but girls rarely give me any attention, so I look at this as something precious. especially since this is a girl that i really like, it means a hella lot to me...

and yes, my girlfriend was here to witness everything. i guess she trust me implicitly. or doesn't give a shit what i do cuz we're always together whether we want to or not.

if there's anyone out there reading my blogger who wants to offer a 2-line opinion, please feel free...

randomly surfing around blogs. here's something that caught my eye (link)



holy cow, she looks so much like my ex. and what do you know, she's a capricorn, just like my ex. weird.

a PRIME example of my theory:

"people will only listen when they decide they should listen"

Example 1

when people start making judgemental comments in an argument, it's ALL OVER. everyonen goes into a self-defense mode, and efficiency of communication goes into a plunge. i say this, you say that, but nobody's listening. it's the same in real life. the moment you start judging someone or making personal attacks, it's OVER. nobody's listening anymore.

Example 2

i write something to boost mark's confidence, and then this judgemental asshole comes in and writes a huge comment about how we need help. let's hypothetically assume that he is indeed right and we should do everything he says. do you think we would? we are being judged by someone who has already assumed a "i'm better than you" stance... from such a position, nobody is inclined to listen to anybody. then an argument ensues, everybody throwing their own point of view left and right, everyone judging left and right. nothing will ever get accomplished from this kind of argument, except that it's sometimes goddamn fun to particpate in and watch. other than that, nothing will come out of it. nobody will change their views when they are being judged. one of the most important thing i've learned in the past few years that it's fucking HARD to change someone's mind. to change someone's mind requires understanding, sympathy, and above all, impeccable timing.

i just had a puzzle fighter session with my gf. but half my mind was occasionally on teresa. the first thing teresa said when we met on the stairs was "did you have dinner yet?" as if she wanted to have dinner with me. or maybe it was just a normal greeting. pretty girls can do that to you. they screw up your brain. make you act weird. make you think too much into what they say. that's happening to me right now. i'm infatuated.

i just have to lose myself in my work, and things will be okay. hopefully.

i just saw teresa on the way up the stairs. nearly had a heart attack. god she was beautiful. what a sweet voice. what a sweet face. what's funny is my girlfriend was like 20 steps ahead of me, so while she was out of sight she could overhear our conversation. when i finally got home she couldn't stop making fun of me. i really do act like a goddamn dork in front of pretty girls.

while i was eating lunch alone today, i spotted a girl that looked a lot like teresa, the girl from downstairs. and it got me excited. real excited. i tried to time my exit to coincide with hers, on the real off chance that maybe it was teresa, and we'd have a chance to chat, but alas, that was not so. she was someone else that i didn't know.

from my point of view, there are only 3 types of girls:

1. girls I want to fuck badly
2. girls I wouldn't mind fucking
3. girls I would never fuck

teresa, as much as i would like to deny it, is one of the girls that i really want to fuck. not just fuck though. i'm a new age pussy-girl, so i'd really want to sit down with her at a nice coffee shop and just talk about stuff first. get to know her real well. then maybe after a few of these sessions we'd go back to my room and fuck.

"but terry, you already have a girlfrined, how can you say these things?" you know what? my girlfrined already knows all this. and she's perfectly fine with it, because she knows i'm always honest with my feelings. we're not going to front each other, not at our stage of the relationship. i told her that the only reason i haven't cheated yet is because i haven't had a wicked opportunity to sleep with a girl like teresa. if i did have such an opportunity, i doubt i could restrain myself. i'd like to say that i could, but i think I would just be kidding myself, and insulting my girlfriend's intelligence. men are programmed by mother nature to fuck as many beautiful girls as they can before they die. it all has to do with evolution and survival of the fittest. if you impregnate a lot of different girls, the chance that your genes will propogate into the end of time will be much higher. disgusting perhaps, but reality. i still concede that we are puppets of mother nature.

you know the one thing that bothers me is that my girlfriend is actually not someone i was initially attracted to. she's definitely one of the "i wouldn't mind to fuck" girls. the problem with me is that whenever i meet a girl that i want to fuck badly, i act like an idiot. basically, everything i say is either based around trying to get her stay longer, or trying to arrange another chance to meet, even if there's no logical reason to do so. i'll say stupid incoherent things like "umm, so hey, thanks for whatever, and uhh, i'll take you out for lunch next time... my treat" which most likely gives off some kind of a "desperate" vibe, which probably turns off most girls of this calibre, since they are looking for a guy who's thinks he's good enough for her, not some blabbering idiot.

it comes as no wonder that i have never been able to sleep with girls that i really wanted to sleep with. instead, the only two girls that i have slept with are those that i wouldn't mind sleeping with. that's my sad reality. but i think that's good for my current relatinoship. since i don't have the macking skills to get girls i really want to fuck to actually fuck me, there's really little chance that i will have an opportunity to sleep with someone else. i certainly won't sacrifice my relatinoship with my girlfriend for a "wouldn't mind" girl.

ok, now i'm going back to work.

here's another $5 excerpt from mark sy's page:

Unfortunately, most people shy away when the topic of sex enters the dinner conversation. Faces get red, eyes look down, and you can hear the fucking crickets. Why is sex still taboo in our society? I experience my share of censorship at work, in public and at school. Why is sex informally prohibited in conversations with friends? What's even worse than dead silence is the fucking stupid puppet show everyone puts on. Its the play when everyone reads from society's dictated script and recites the line with uncanny precision. The typical values are brought up :1) monogamy 2) sex must be with someone you "love" (whatever the fuck that means) 3)Its wrong to have sex with people for the sake of sex...and so on. Wake me up when its all over. Im not knocking people who truly believe in these values, its your right but let me tell you now that i think you're a dull person. you're fucking Titanic, everyone's seen you and know what you're all about. If i wanted your take on sex, ill just read the Bible, im sure it matches perfectly.

i'm going to come out and say it... everytime i see a pretty girl on the street, i wonder what her pussy is like. how it smells, how it looks, whether it's shaved (i loved shaved pussies). i still do that now even though i have a girlfriend. i should feel guilty right? why? because society says so? it's not like i choose to think about these things. i'm just a horny perverted bastard by nature. these thoughts come to me whether i want them or not. half the blame should go towards the girls though. god knows how much time and effort and chemical products were consumed in producing that slutty "you know you want to fuck me" look.

sometimes, i wish i had the guts to go up to pretty girls and say something like: "you're so fucking pretty that i'm currently dying to know whether your pussy is shaved and clean and if it is can we fuck because i have a hard-on just looking at you now". they'd probably slap and call me a mentally deranged rapist, but i'd know deep down inside, they're saying "mission accomplished".

today on my way to lunch i was talking to shinobu about mark sy's page, and all the stuff he said. she was pretty disinterested to say the least, 4 or 5 times she would interrupt me and say "oh look, a cat", to which i replied nonchalantly "yeah, that's nice", and made me want to bash her head into the wall for not paying attention. we're not intellecutally compatible, it seems.

as i was talking to a brick wall, i realized that a lot of my grievances are targeted towards society. i think society has really fucked me over since i was a little kid. i felt sorry for always "wasting my time" playing video games. i felt sorry for not having a cool hairstyle and wearing cool clothes. i felt sorry for not having a girlfriend and still being a virgin past the age of 20. i felt sorry for not having cool friends. basically, society has made feel sorry for who i am for most of my life. that's probably one of the big reasons why i have felt suicidal. i have only society to thank for that.

now though, i've adopted a "fuck society" stance. this doesn't mean that i'm a total renegade and break people's car windows and such. it just means that i've accepted the fact that the rules and pretentions society imposes on us are just as bullshit as anything else. for instance, the fact that real men shouldn't cry. who the fuck made that up. why the hell should i feel sorry for who i am everytime a movie successfully moves my heart. i actually feel sorry for those who don't cry. they obviously didn't get the same experience as i did.

or how about society's stuck-up views on sex. this is one of the reasons why i hate christianity wth a passion. whenever i see a pretty christian girl, it fucking kills me. her body is telling her get fucked, guys are waiting in line to fuck her, and yet if she succumbs to her own natural desires she is forsaken by the church. so basically, christianity acts like a global sexual repressant. it promotes masturbation and pornography, and even creates pedophiles. maybe pornography companies are secretly funding chrisitian movements because they obviously bring them more business. you know what i like though? pimps who wear the cross. these guys fuck whomever they want, whenever the want, and they're wearing the cross on their chest. i just love it.

i think people as a whole would be happier if they just followed their own hearts and not what some fucked up society says they should do. i really feel sorry for pretentious people... i really do. their lives must be unbelievably vacuous. always trying to wear certain clothes, drive a particular car, look a certain way. how the fuck can that make you happy? it just eludes me. shinobu's dad wears the same clothes everyday. it's so weird looking at his clothesline... the same sweater stacked 7 times side by side, the same work pants stacked 7 times side by side. but i like it. in fact, when i grow old, i think i'll do the same goddamn thing. wear the same thing everyday... because it's a goddamn hassle to pick out a different clothes every day. should i wear this nice shirt today, or save it for tomorrow, because i'll be seeing more people tomorrow. god it's such a waste of mental energy. you wear the same thing everyday, and it saves you so much trouble.

i think by reading mark's page, i think i've finally come to complete grips as to the source of my unhappiness all these years. i've always suspected it was becuse i was never society's ideal man, but now i've confirmed it. i really don't give a shit what society thinks. well, of course i still do, because if society forsakes me, that's a pretty tough life too. but what i'm going to do, and what i've been doing subconciously over the last two years, is simply say "this is the way i am, and if someone doesn't like it, then fuck them". yeah that sounds cliche. but i think now, with all i've been through, i can finally pull it off. god knows how many other "social misfits" are on this planet.

i can't stop reading mark sy's page. it's too good. his entires are just too good. cynicism and criticism at a new level. it's just unbelievably good stuff. catcher in the rye for the 21st century. i can't believe i get to read that stuff for free. i would pay $100 for a binded book with all his entires. here's something that i think is worth paying $5 for (read the whole thing in context)

5) Typical Sheep Behaviour: i hate these fucking pages the most. I never got this sentence: "Saturday was the best day! I went clubbing and got fucking drunk! I puked my head out, and i woke up the next morning at 4pm!" - how fucking stupid are you? Quite the victim of commercial mind control. Tell me how abusing your body to the point of vomitting is "fun"? You know why its fun? because the fucking media tells you its fun. TV and movies say its cool. Whats worst is that these chinese people are obeying the white man's media. Following white movies and tv regarding alcoholism. You brainless cattle. You failed to practice any self control, damaged your liver (yet again) and wasted half the fucking day. You know you're a fucking idiot, but you're too pussy to admit it, so you say to yourself that you had a "fun" time. You wasted money on drinks and you can't even remember what happened. How is that fun? you moron. It has occured to me that these people should not be shown any mercy. I will gladly let you party your head off so that you will hopefully fail in school and develop liver cancer. At this time, i will be your lawyer and sue the Alcohol company on your behalf. My defense will be: "Your honour, my client was only doing what he was told by Captain Morgan. The fucking pirate told him to drink and enjoy so he did. My client is a fucking sheep, please give him some money to cover hospital costs" After the settlement, ill buy you some nice flowers for your funeral. Then ill fuck your sister.

this is good shit. maybe somewhat misdirected perhaps, but so what. he writes with passion, power, and impact. and it convinces. the most embarassing thing for me is that this guy is 2 years younger than i am. therefore, i must concede that his brain has developed faster than mine, because 2 years ago i would not have been able to express these kinds of feelings the way he is doing now. hell, even now i can't express myself the way he does... but i can oh-so-very-much empathize with how he feels. the resonance is simply astouding.

ADDENDUM 1

just found out that this guy hates kobe bryant with a passion. i think i can finally stop reading now.

i just read this guy's xanga site. i have no idea who he is, but... when i read his entries, it's creepy. it feels like something i would write, if i wrote in his style... like this entry right here, which is so GODDAMN on the money:

Just admit it, your life sucks

I don't know why people have to front all the time. In real life, a lot of people front. On the internet, its even worse. Ever know people in real life and you see their page online. You say to yourself : "who the fuck is this guy?" they're completely different. They're that loser guy in the corner, but online, they're like Bishop Don Magic Juan. I hate when people sound important and shit online. "Im sooo busy this week!" - then why do you have time to fucking blog? "I have to go to this dinner, then i have to go to this function!" - good. NO ONE CARES. Its like that girl who keeps telling you how many jams she's invited to. NO ONE CARES. People like this are like the small potatoes in a gang: they make a lot of noise cause they're small time. You never hear the Big Boss brag or say anything except "kill him". I really think people who build themselves up are really empty inside. If you're content with your life, how come you keep telling everyone else how important you are? Are you sure its us you should be talking to ? Please reach deep inside yourself...with a lot of Paxil. Another bonus i hate is the sympathy blog: this is the blog - "I'm soo mad" - thats it. You know what to expect in comments : " What's wrong?" Wow. Apparently, you're so mad that the fucking steam coming out of your ears traveled to the keyboard, logged in to xanga and wrote down "Im soo mad" Apparently, you're not mad enough to not type it down. Count to 10 or something. Fuck. Why can't people blog about how much their life sucks? WHat they want? not this superficial bullshit. I think we all write in fucking xanga because we all think our life sucks. We're looking for sympathy from anonymous readers. I know i get a fucking hard-on when i see a comment. I guess its kinda gay that only chai and phil comments. Technically, chai and phil gets me hard. but thats old news.

ain't that the goddamn truth. well said, well said.

and WHAT do you know, this guy is born 9/19. a virgo. just like me. and he uses the word fuck liberally, just like me. it's fucking creepy. i think his blog is better than mine though. his english has more spice. i've got more pictures. okay, that wasn't much of a comeback. but still, i don't feel special anymore. this guy obviously thinks way too much, just like me, and complains too much, just like me, and hates pretentious people, just like me, and loves porn too much, just like me. what the hell is going on....

ADDENDUM 1

I must admit, i LOVE girls with british accents. I don't know why.

god, that's the same thing with me. last year i was infatuated with a vietnamese girl from austrialia because of her quasi-british accent. i have a pedophilic relationship with my student annie because she studied for 3 years in britain and has a strong british accent. what the fuck is going on.

ADDENDUM 2

Ive been playing NBA LIVE 2003 for the past 3 weekends. I think i should stop since im going blind.

what the fuck! that's exactly what i did! what the fuck! i can't believe this shit! this guy really is my fucking twin! i fell in love with nba live 2003 the 1st time i played it, and so did this guy, apparently. i'm getting totally spooked.

ADDENDUM 3

Then i started thinking how much life would suck to be alone. I really feel for the lonely people out there. I m the type of person who can't be single for too long, Ill get lonely and hang myself.

getting creepier...

ADDENDUM 4

i have a new theory now. it's simple. astrological signs are indeed correct. it is simply amazing how much of what this guy says resonates with my mind. his contempt for pretentious "high school-type" efforts towards boosting self esteem. his criticization of commercialism and globalisation. his cynicsm and pessimism. his belief that people first and foremost live for themselves and any attempt to show otherwise is pretention. the only way i can rationalize our eerie similiary is the fact that we're both virgoes. there is a creepy truth to astrological signs, i'm telling you.