linterry's blogger

I downloaded the Warcraft3 soundtrack. It is unbelievably amazing. What a pity the music volume is set so low by default in the game.

Uelmen is just in a class of his own. It's not just his beautiful atmospheric arrangements, it's that the final sound he creates is so big, so grand, so majestic... it reminds me a lot of Hans Zimmer. The variety of samples he uses is just crazy... never for a moment do you go... "oh, I've heard that sample before", or "yeah, that's some cheesy synth". I listen to stuff from Nobuo Uematsu for instance, and I can picture him sequencing his music, fleshing out the chords and melody. But when I listen to Uelmen, all I hear is music. The technology is totally hidden. His music truly defies my understanding.

What is most interesting about his music is that it lacks clear reptition. There seems to be no structure, it just starts and never goes back. At the same time, each piece contains recurring melodic themes. It reminds me a LOT of classical music. Also he is quite amazing in the sense that he can create a full pleasing sound with a TOTAL absence of identifable chords. ARE there even chords in his undead songs? I'd imagine there are but I just can't identify them.

While I think it would be possible ni this lifetime to produce something like Nobuo Uematsu, I don't think I could ever do anything on the level of Uelmen. Even if someone asked me to reproduce his music, I think it would take me years.

I just checked GameFAQS' review of XPEC's star-product, "Ex-chaser".

NOT VERY GOOD.

Wow, all this while I've been basing my evaluation on this company by that color photocpy of Famitsu magazine which gave them a pretty decent rating. However, I trust the average of multiple Gamefaqs reviews more than any other review.

Also, recently I got an e-mail from an unknown id at XPEC (yakun@mail.xpec.om.tw) which contained a lovely W32@MyDoom virus. Guess the system admins aren't doing their job either.

Recently I've been corresponding with Tony, the head of game design. The more I talk with him the more I realize this is really a sub-standard game company compared to the levels set by the premier Japanese and American game developers.

If I ever become head of game development, I could never possibly imagine releasing a game that would get less than 6 out of 10 from the average gamer. How could you let the corporate process pressure you so much that after all the effort you put into game, it's still garbage? I would simply quit if the guys up above forced totally unreasonable deadlines on me. Game creation is an art and the corporate process should ideally not interefere at all.

Of course I have to admit that I am not fully aware of a lot of shitty obstacles in the process of game developement. But still, at the end of the day, if I were forced to release crap, it would hurt so much I'd probably resign and find another occuption.

Funny, I thought 3 days of being forced to wake up at 6:30 in the morning would force me back into a normal sleeping schedule. It seems that my body just naturally enjoys staying up late into the wee hours of the morning.

I’ve been looking over my past entries in my blogger and I have to say that I don't like the fact that they seem to addressing some kind of judgmental audience. I really wish I could truly expel this dumbass human need for other people's approval every time I say something, but it's just not possible 100% of the time. It creeps up from nowhere and before I know it, I’ve written another chickenshit blog that tries not to hurt people's feelings.

It is truly dumbfoundingly amazing how much of what we say is influenced by the need solicit the approval of others. I swear to god if you listen to people speak nowadays you can smell the fear in the air... everyone's conditioned nowadays to say socially acceptable things instead of just expressing their mind freely and to me that's just sad. I suffer the same illness. I really am an "approval whore" in public. I smile a lot and act real friendly just because I’m so afraid of being ignored and left alone. I guess that's why I’ve become a lot more outspoken and arrogant on this blogger since living with my girlfriend. the burden to solicit approval has been significantly, but not completely, lifted from my shoulders so I can say things that will make people hate my guts but because my girlfriend will always be there I have the luxury of not giving a shit. It still hurts when people like Christine send e-mails outta the blue saying "you're deranged" but at least I can get as far as expressing my feelings. Without my girlfriend, I’d be so worried about giving the right impression all the time I would not be able to say anything controversial even on blogger space.

The real question is "is it appropriate to say ANYTHING you want here". I think I’ve tried to comfort myself before by saying this is a sanctuary but I guess it really isn't. The irony of the blogger is that in order to write a real non-approval-soliciting blog you need to forget that an audience (with damageable feelings) exists, but without the sense that there is an audience out there, you might as well not write anything because nobody's going to read it. That’s why I insist on having ZERO feedback as to how many people are reading my site. That means... no hit-counters, no comment-counters. These things will directly influence the way I write, because EVERYBODY wants more comments, EVERYBODY wants more hits. It’s natural. If one day the purpose of my writing has changed to increasing popularity statistics, then I’ve forgotten the principles. The principle of the blogger, in my mind, is this: to simply express how you feel about anything without fear of judgment or reprimand. There is NOWHERE else in this world that you can do such a thing, not even to your close loved ones, and not even through inhuman forms of communications like e-mail, because judgment is always involved.

I guess it the question is, does it make a difference if I say "I hate Jews" here or if I e-mail every Jew in the world with the one-liner "I hate Jews". I think it does. The key difference is in the invasiveness. Blogger is quite non-invasive, not as non-invasive as muttering "I hate Jews" when you're at home alone but much less invasive than e-mail. So, just to make things okay for me to continue with the way I’ve been operating along, I’ll just say now, that because my blogger is non-invasive, it gives me the right to say whatever the fuck I please, and you have no right to complain about it. That's not really fair? Fuck you. I just want to express the way I feel without motherfucking karma police officers patrolling blogger space.

Ahh yes, almost forgot to post about the interview. Let's start with the result first, that's what my (possibly imaginary) audience wants to know about anyways. Result is: game design: no, music composer: yes. I talked to the head of game design today and he invited me to join the company as a sound engineering/music composer but not into game design. Given with what I've learned today about the world of game design, I can live with that. Apparently one big misconception I had about game design is that refining a game to Blizzard standards is actually a fun thing. To quote the head of game design "It's fun if you're the only one making the game, but try telling the guys in graphics dept. to redo the same animation 10 times because you feel "it still doesn't look right" and you'll get a lot of fighting in the meeting room".

Why Blizzard is able to make such quailty games: "They tend to have more freedom and independence with respect to time and money than your average game developer who must meet a very strict deadline. They most likely finish their game in one year but spend another two entire years of doing nothing but refining, refining, and refining. Refining a game is extremely time consuming and is generally the 1st thing that suffers when time/budget constraints are too tight"

I've already had that problem with my CMUSIC subcontractors. One of them doesn't share the same vision of quality that I have and it's really tough for me to tell him "no, that's not good enough, go back and redo it". It sounds real easy but it's REAL tough, becuase you're indirectly insulting his ability.

Anyways, the current plan is to arrange a list of equipment that I would need to start a small music production facility at their company, and when the time is right, move in and hopefully there will be music work waiting for me to be done. Most likely the payment will be contract. Sounds real sweet, if that dude holds up his end of the "verbal" agreement. Right now though, I gotta worry a lot about this month's CMUSIC load. I have 3 songs left, (one of which is that 293 bar monster that I don't think I will ever finish), plus 2 songs waiting to be finalized from my subcontractees (another mess there), and 1 more in queue. All this in 3 weeks. It's going to be fucking hell.

I just download this awesome DIVX player for the PS2 called PS2Reality. You can browse any CD for Divx AVI's and play them in very nice quality. It chokes on a few file formats but it works with about 70-80% of my collection (including the porn cd's, ooh yes). A truly beautiful piece of software... surprisingly it's made in Spain (yes that was a racist remark, I know).

I flipped through my old CD collection and it's interesting to note how your opinions change or don't change about certain movies you've seen a long time ago. I think I've become even more polar in my opinions. Shrek sucks even more (just what is so funny about that movie, the dialogue is so fucking cliched and cheap, even the way they mock fairy tales is predictable), but "cheesy" romantic comedies like America's Sweethearts are still hella funny even after the 3rd or 4th viewing. America's Sweetheart's is a hella good movie. It's witty and entertaining. Reminds me of When Harry Met Sally. Billy Crystal is one just hilarious dude.

Here's a distrubing mail I received recently from what I would consider an old "friend" of mine.

There's obviously something wrong with you. What's with all that "f---"
word on your web site. You must be internally disturbed. I don't like
my pictures either (Do me a favor --- TAKE IT OUT).
Anyway. I'm emailing you to let you know that we've sold the condo and
have moved to a bungalow (xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx) at xxx &
xxxx (xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx). We moved in about 3 months
ago. Oh, my parents are living with us too. This is my number:
xxx-xxx-xxxx
I hope everything is well with you and you are happy.

christine

This e-mail really confuses me. The top part says "I fucking hate your guts". In a spice of originaltiy, it excludes the "You need help" bit. Then the botom part says "Here's my number, call me again". What the fuck is this. Whoops, shouldn't use the word fuck. It means I'm mentally disturbed. Hahahah.

One thing I like about this blogger is that it will root out people I shouldn't even bother keeping in touch with. I have to admit that I have some "friends" that, if they knew me inside out, would stay as far away from me as possible. Generally, I know who these incompatible friends are in the 1st place but not always. I'm a totally different person in public, but that doesn't mean that the blogger personality you see here is totally gone. It's just lying dormant, while I repress all those inner voices in my head that tell me things like "Beat that annoying child up" or "Rape that pretty bitch in the corner".

See, society nowadays will look upon a person like that and say "he's a sicko". What I want YOU to ponder, and ponder REAL carefully, is that people who you think are normal.. are they REALLY normal or are they just hiding their sicko tendencies. if gay people can hide the fact that their gay, it's not that hard to imagine. I look TOTALLY NORMAL in pubilc. Well, maybe not in front of people I know real well like my girlfriend, but most of the time, I look like a behaving member of society. But the difference is that I ACKNOWLEDGE all those sick things that are going on in my head. I believe that to deny them is to deny my whole existence.

Christine is one of those people that after 28 years of life, either 1. is in total denial of how life can really suck or 2. has been overall genuiely happy with her life conditions ever since she was born and thus has never experienced suicidal pain. Good. More power to you.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have my interview to go to. I'm going to put on a good show, wear clothes I don't even want to wear, and hopefully they will accept my performance as something they want.

http://www.japantoday.com/e/?content=popvox&id=452

A very sad day.

I just came back from what I would consider the shittest "vacation" in my whole life. Danny, Diana, Shinobu and I went on a packaged tour to Hualien and Taichung. For NT13,500 my body was ravaged by the chilly weather and the need to wake up at fucking 6:30 in the morning.

Cold weather + Lack of sleep = FUCKING AGONY

I got real sick on the last day. Have you ever needed to piss, shit, and barf all at the same time? That's what I got to experience for a lovely 30 minutes as there were no washrooms available at Taroko Gorge.

When I finally got the chance take a shit & piss, my body just gave up on me and I puked all over the sink. I started getting some serious chills and the 10 degree weather seemed to easily perforate the 5 layers of clothing I had been wearing. I swear to god I have never felt so cold in my entire life. On two occasions when a rush of cold air came in my body convulsed violently.

For the rest of the trip, I was in a crippled state and I couldn't get off the bus. I also had several fights with Shinobu over the fact that I was physically unable to keep up with the tour schedule. She cried on 2 occasions. But by the end, she understood how much pain I was in. I couldn't even stand up properly and even though I barfed everything that I ate for the last few days, I still felt incredibly nauseous. My joints and muscles were aching like crazy too.

So, to recap, I paid a shitload of money for:

- fucking COLD weather
- 3 fights with my girlfriend
- 1 case of the flu
- 2 cases of holding back piss
- 1 case of holding back shit
- 1 case of puking
- really average food
- really average scenery

Thank goodness I'm back in the city now. Another few days and I think I'd be in the hospital. After taking a real long nap, I think my body's already returning to normal. It's still hard to stand up but at least the nasusea and chills have subsided.

I have this strange craving to drink some Suntory Whisky.

I hate whisky. So why do I want to drink it?

Cuz Suntory's ads are so fucking STUPID.
They had this whole Suntory Whisky thing in Lost in Translation too.
"It's Suntory Time"
I've been subjected to so much Suntory propaganda that I've finally been brainwashed.

It's strange, "Suntory" sounds like a good orange juice brand... "Suntory Orange Juice". But instead they make expensive scottish whisky. It's like Coca-Cola trying to make wine or something. Which makes it weird, which makes me even more curious.

Kudos to the Suntory marketing team. They've succeeded into making someone who hates whisky into wanting me to try their product.

Recently it's been real cold in Taipei. Incomparable to Toronto's arctic weather, but cold enough that I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I just want to keep snuggling with my girlfriend all the way until late afternoon, when we need to eat. I have realized how much we're like simple animals.

We fuck when we please, eat when we please, and play when we please. The amount of time we're forced to do things we don't want is pretty much limited to 10-12 hours a week when I work on music or when she has to go teach Japanese. Most of them time though, we don't mind, work gives us purpose and more importantly income.

We rarely however, need to participate in what I call "society fucking". I have this terrifying fear of the outside world. It's full of lies, deceit, and fucking people over. I mean look at the world of tenants renting from landlords. People are trying to fuck the other side as much as possible because if you don't fuck someone else, they fuck with you. Unfortunately, I'm not man enough to fuck people over and be okay with it. I'm sorta a loser in a sense that i hate playing these kinds of "fucking people over" games. I just can't stand it. But if you wanna survive in this world and make big money, you need to fuck people over heartlessly. There's just too much competition these days. People will do anything for money.

I have this nagging fear that the new landlord will fuck us over by either doubling the rent or forcing us to move out. She knows she has the power and she has no qualms of fucking strangers over if it's for her own benefit. Somewhere inside me, I'm hoping that she's not that kind of person, that she knows what a pain in the ass it is to be moved out of house and home, and thinks "I'd rather not give those two kids a huge hassle, even though it means I make less money". But my hopes are rather slim. She probably got fucked over from my old landlord for the house price, so she's looking to fuck other people over to make that money back.

So if I get fucked, I'll probably be pretty hurt, and next time I rent a house instead of being nice and reasonable I'll have these bitter feelings in my heart and I'll be more incilned to fuck the landlord over as much as possible. It's like a disease really. Everyone could be nice to each other and get along harmonisouly, but all it takes is one greedy bastard who wants more than he should have and starts fucking people over... then the person he fucks wants to fuck someone else to get even... and then before you know it, the whole world is fucking everyone else over because everyone wants to get even.

As I said, I don't want to get my feet wet with society's stupid fucking games. There's just too much fucking.

So, here's something that will PISS you off... hahaha.

I just got a call from Angeline for another interview with XPEC (OOH YES BABY!) on the 27th, but THIS time, it's for a game design/sound engineer postiion. It sounds like the head of game design read my profile and is very interested in me...

HAHAHAH
YOU FUCKING HATERS

"TERRY, YOU SHOULD'VE JUST TAKEN THE PROGRAMMING JOB AND SWITCHED LATER"

"TERRY, YOU SHOULD CALL BACK AND PRESSURE THEM IF THEY HAVEN'T CALLED YOU BACK"

"TERRY, YOU'RE A FOOL"

HAHAHAHA

I stick to my principles, and I always get what I want, the way I want it. My principles are simple: If I want something real bad, I have to stop caring about it and it will naturally come to me effortlessly. The harder I try and the more I worry, the less chance I have of getting what I want. It seems counter-intuitive to give up on things that I really want BUT... for some stupid, ridiuclous, unfathomable reason good things only come to me when I don't give a shit about it anymore.

"Don't fight with reality, it will hurt."

Recently, that's what happened. After 3 weeks of not getting any replies from XPEC, I just gave up on them. That's just about when the call came. When my heart truly let go of the job... BAM, the call came. I know you're all going "hahah Terry you're so deluded you just got lucky"... WRONG FUCKERS. Let me list the top 4 things in my life that came to me when I just stopped caring (or never really cared about in the 1st place):

1. Shinobu
2. Christine
3. CMUSIC job
4. XPEC interview

Let me list to you the top 4 thigns I didn't get but I wanted them so much that I would drink my own piss to get them

1. Girl who rejected me #1
2. Girl who rejected me #2
3. Girl who rejected me #3
4. Summer internship at Goldman Sachs

HAHAHA YOU MOTHERFUCKING HATERS
SUCK ON THAT

WHO'S DA MAN?

WHO'S DA MAN???

I'M DA MAN!!!! HAAHAAHAHAH

EEEEEEEEEECHUTA!

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEECHUTA!

EEEEECHUTA!

ok, I'd better stop this excitement. If I end up not getting the job, you guys will have so much fucking ammo to shoot at me I'm not even sure the "blogger wall" can protect me.

Our landlord has decided to sell the house we live in. The buyer has already been decided. I was initially hoping that the new landlord would be willing to continue renting our place to us but I'm pretty sure they realized what a kickass place we have. Open, spacious, big windows, 30 seconds from Shi-da... it's a totally kickass location and I'm sure the new landlord isn't blind. So more likely than not, we're going to get kicked out of our house, because her ugly daugher (she really is ugly, I saw her) wants to live here, or because they're going to segregate this room into three to make more profit off renting.

This is the part were i regret being lazy. I didn't sign any kind of official agreement with my landlord which we were actually sorta "friends" with. I never thought I needed to because I just assumed she was renting this place for the long run. When she told me that she was starting to sell the house she promised me that "Don't worry, I'll make sure the new landlord keps renting the place to you." Guess it's a lesson for me that I should never trust anybody but my parents.

So now, money is an issue. I'm sure I can cut a deal with the new landlord for staying here another year. It's just a matter of moolah. I could also save that money and spend the extravagant amount of effort to find a new place that's as good as ours but that's like trying to shop for a 6500K television: they just don't exist. Finding our house was a miracle. People keep telling us how expensive it is but that's because you're not looking at the intangibles. Our place is really nice, people who have been here echo that sentiment. People who just hear the statistics (square footage, amenities, etc.) think it's a poor deal.

I fucking hate the hassle of moving out. We've accmulated so much furniture over the last year that moving EVERYTHING will take fucking forever. Hiring a moving company will cost 4000-5000 and that's a whole other bucket of headaches. Can I trust them to transport my television and PC without bumping it 100 times on various objects? I don't think so, so I have to carry those manually, which means 1. calling taxis or 2. bothering my relatives to give me a lift. Any way you look at it, moving out is a big fucking intrusion on my life routine which I have come to love.

I'm a simple man really. I just want a modest but charming nest where I can fornicate with my girlfriend, watch TV and play my video games in peace. If any of that is taken from me, it bothers the shit out of me. So I'm really bothered right now. It fucking sucks to have something as sacred as a nest taken away from you.

My girlfriend's sulked tonight becuase she caught me reading chynadoll18's xanga again. She never really liked it before but just never said anything. But tonight she wasn't in a good mood I guess, so when she saw that same old "white background xanga" left as the current page in IE she kinda exploded inside. She doesn't like the "green background xanga" either, although she notices that I read chynadoll18's with a much higher frequency, so it bothers her more.

Although it was a pain in the ass to try to console her, deep inside I'm really happy and flattered that my girlfriend gets jealous. It's a sign that she wants to possess me. Even though everyone else says that trying to possess someone else is wrong and self-destructive I want to be loved and possessed by a lot of girls. I also want to possess my girlfriend too. Even after more than a year of being together I still get angry if she engages in 1 on 1 interaction of any kind with another male - including anything simple as talking. "That's bad Terry, you should trust her, maybe you don't really love her." Please stop your mindless echoeing of North American bullshit theories on love. Sorry, I subscribe to Darwin's point of view. I want to fuck more girls. She wants to fuck more guys. But becuase we both value the stability of our relationship, we try hard to control this instinct. It's as ugly and crude as that. Too bad people have this retarded need to beautify "love" which blinds them to the truth.

My girlfriend's is so fucking right to be jealous. Why do I read chynadoll18's page? It seems perfectly harmless but that's only if you're a lowly sheep who never thinks about the reasons why people engage in certain behaviors. I read her page becuase I find her damn attractive and subconciously believe that knowing her better raises my chances of fucking her in the future. My girlfriend's not happy about this, I say "c'mon, I'm just reading someone else's page, it doesn't mean anything". I'm a liar. But at least I realize it. I hope the next time you say something like "it didn't mean anything", you reailze you're lying. When people get jealous it's for a very good reason, their natural instincts are telling them that your dick (or pussy) is aiming elsewhere, and more often than not they're right... you ARE aiming elsewhere, it's just that you don't even know it. You'll quickly reach fo the most North American acceptable excuse for your behavior to interaact with the opposite sex: like "we're just friends" (bullshit) or "it didn't mean anything" (bullshit). You don't need to go as far as having sex to be guilty of infidelity. Everybody's guilty of infideilty because that's how we're programmed. Mask it all you want, but I'll see right through it becuase your body language will betray you.

If I ever stop worrying about my girlfriend interacting with other guys, it's because I really don't give a shit anymore about what she does. This will probably occur after marriage when we just don't think about fucking each other anymore. However, becuase I love approval, I'll tell you that the reason I can be so non-chalant is becuase "I trust her" (bullshit), and you'll go "that's good Terry" not knowing what the hell you're praising, my indiference or my non-existant ability to trust somebody.

Today I watched brother bear with my girlfriend. I can't say it was an empirically good movie, but anything Disney with animals will move me. I ended up in tears at the end so in that sense it was a good movie. Certainly FAR more enjoyable than lord of the fucking rings.

Anyways, the post I wanted to make was that that goddamn theatre was so fucking crappy. I mean it was crappy to the nth degree. It was some no-name theatre in shimending (lux theatre?), and the colors were totally fucked up. That’s just inexcusable. It looked like the reds and greens were totally oversaturated in some dumbass attempt to give the picture more punch. Thus, certain beautiful scenes were totally destroyed by the fluorescent treatment and my heart hurt so much because I know the artists behind the movie took so much time to pick good blending colors but all that effort went to waste because of the poor color reproduction.

Also, the geometry was terrible. There was some significant pin cushioning on the left hand side of the screen and it was not properly centered on the screen.

Outside the theatre, the theatre promoted their own facilities with a commercial, bragging about using the latest in "digital display enhancement technology". Once again, more food for the sheep. You put the word "digital" in any phrase and dumbass consumers think it's some wicked ass high-tech stuff. "digital enhancement technology", "digital comb filter", "digital 3NR multi-pass noise reduction". You say "analog" and people think it's old shit from the 70's that’s not worth their hard earned money.

Sheep sheep sheep. Right so analog synths sound like shit. Analog resonance filters sound worse than a digitally simulated once. Right you are, sheep.

I just realized today, that technology in certain areas has reached a peak and can no longer go forward. CRT televisions are a perfect example. The natural imperfect analog reproduction of a CRT is actually perfect for moving pictures. You might have noticed (but didn’t want to admit) how natural a person looks on a CRT but how artificial on the latest whiz-bang “digital-this-digital-that” LCD TV. This isn’t some kind of mistake, it’s the nature of the device. But since technology must move forward in order to keep the wheels of the economy moving, people have to invent something to get sheep to keep buying new things. I mean how long can AV magazines keep talking about the same CRT televisions before people get sick of it? The industry has to keep creating demand even if it means making crappier stuff that looks better. Even the president of display technology at Samsung has said (loosely quoting) “I don’t know why consumers are so obsessed with buying LCD televisions, you actually get a better picture with a good CRT, but hey, who am I to complain, we’re making good money”.

Just like how there's a trend to going back to vinyl, 10 years from now, when everybody's buying LCD TV's, there's going to be a cult following of people buying old CRT's because "they just look better".

today i saw a couple of ugly-ass girls enter the pasta bar and order two pastas to go. in a split-second, from the deepest, darkest confines in my mind...."what a waste of food. i want to kill them and donate their organs to pretty girls who need them more than they do."....

whoops, i let my front slip there. what i meant to say was... of course, it's too bad these girls aren't as pretty as others, hopefully they can find their meaning in life and live happily. i'm sure some guy will love them for the wonderful people they are.

so what will happen is, people will read this, and think i am so cruel and heartless and have no sympathy for people who are less fortunate than me. a very good analysis based on what i have just very honestly written. but HOW else can i explain my subliminal behavior. i don't make friends with ugly girls. when a conversation with an ugly girl starts i try to end it as fast as possible. it's difficult to make eye contact with them. do you HONESTLY think i have no "negative" feelings towards them? are you any different? sure sure sure. i feel sorry for them. sure sure sure. who doesn't. but is that a PR message or is that how i really feel. because if i REALLY felt sorry for them, if i REALLY felt sorry from the bottom of my heart that it hurt so much to see such an injustice, i would not be subliminally avoiding them like the plague. i say nice things about them because that's the only way out of the situation. if i expressed my any other feelings not only would everyone scold me, i would even scold myself. but not today.

your'e going... yeah yeah yeah whatever terry you're just spouting another anti-politically correctness thing, we already know that. no, i'm going beyond anti-politically correct. my own opinion is that people who are anti-politically correct (eg.those who laugh at people who avoid words like "nigger") are actually still politically correct in their heart but they just don't know it. being anti-politically correct these days is okay anyhow, and it's funny too. but when it comes to more sensitive things like how you REALLY feel about an ugly girl, you are forced to believe in a politically correct way otherwise you will actually scold YOURSELF for being such a human travesty. so you are forced to believe in certain things otherwise the whole fucking world thinks you're garbage.

it's scary how many of my inner feelings are repressed because somebody, sometime told me i'm not allowed to express them. for instance, now i will confess to you, with no shame, that i need a female next to me for more than 50% of the day and we need to touch and caress and have frequent sex in order for me to feel comfortable and secure.

here is the typical North American view: "Terry is too dependent on someone else and that's not good. he should learn to love himself more and to develop into a mature person."

I've tried for many years to adopt myself into that ideal definition, and it never really worked. my own raw shape is nothing like that. why is wanting constant physical contact a bad thing? "it's not that it's bad terry, it's that when you want it too much, then something's wrong". No, sorry, can't agree there either. If that's wrong, then what you're saying is my entire existence is wrong. So I can't agree. I want to to be around my girlfriend all the time, i don't want to see ugly girls, i wish a lot of relatives would just disappear from my life, i don't like being around old people because they don't make sense and are a hassle. i forbid my girlfriend to have sex wtih other people but i want to have sex with anyone i want. i am selfish, childish, a pig, i use my parents for money but when i need comfort and sympathy i call them up under the guise of missing them. i have a crush on 2 other girls right now. i dont like chynadoll's boyfriend. i think poor homeless people should be eradicated from their misery. i think teresa's a bitch for not calling me but because she's so goddamn pretty i forgive her. and this is only half of what a disgusting, filthy animal i am. but i still love myself, because i must love myself. i think i'm smarter than everyone i know. i think believing in this self-admittance thing makes me special and superior.

meet me in public, i can put on a good show.

i can DISTINCTLY remember telling my girlfriend how similar she is charlotte. it turns out the actress who plays her is born on almost the same day (november 22nd). pretty weak shit eh. well it's personal proof. fuck.

Watching lost in translation again I have realized that the one thing I really like about this movie is that it captures the “eccentricities of reality” very well.

Like for instance, when charlotte calls her mom, crying and trying to explain what’s going on in her life:



“… I dunno, I even tried ikebana, and Jon’s using these hair products, and it’s just… I don’t know who I married”
“uh hold on… can you wait a second, just hold on I'll be right back “ [BRILLIANT]
“ok, sure”
“…. … …. ………. sorry, what were you saying?”
“….nothing, it’s okay, I'll call you later okay” [BRILLIANT]
“Ok…”

And then she hangs up before her mom finishes the canned “Bye, I love you dear” farewell. That’s beautiful. The pacing is just perfect. That’s not an accident. The director has obviously made several calls like this before and is recreating the entire reality of it on film.

Or how about all the awkwardness between bob and charlotte. It’s good, it’s real. You can feel the fucking ice between them. They both want to score points with each other but as everyone knows when you like someone it’s hard to have a clean conversation. There’s a lot of nervous laughter, a lot of “mmhmm.. mmhmm..” like they’re forcing themselves to listen, and a lot of cutting each other off as they’re trying to prove that they’re interesting by saying more. There’s also a lot of contrived horsing around because horsing around breaks the ice. It’s so fucking real and I love it.

I'm tired of seeing movies that just don’t bother to capture these eccentricities. Like the dumbass Lord of the Rings trilogy. Don’t get me wrong, I have no beef with fantasy settings, it’s just when the flow of reality is too contrived, my mind goes to sleep. An example of a fantasy movie with great reality flow is Spirited Away. There are so many miniscule details in that movie that contribute to giving it that surreal feeling.

I love surreal stuff. When you believe what’s happening on screen could actually happen, the movie becomes that much more interesting. But to make that happen, you need a lot of small details. Things that seem trivial but are in reality crucial to forming that sense of reality in the viewer’s mind. It doesn’t matter whether it’s on Earth or Middle Earth, whether it’s humans or goblins… you NEED reality flow in order to make a movie believable. At least for me, it’s essential.

Today I got a call from Matsuda-san from CMUSIC, some official business. On the side he mentioned:

"I listened to your Prodigy - Breathe MIDI, and it was really good!"

AWWW YEAH BABY
THAT FELT FUCKING GOOD
TO BE PRAISED BY JAPANESE?!?!?!
THAT'S FUCKING PRICELESS
F-U-C-K-I-N-G PRICELESS

I'm really hungry. I want to eat Swiss Chalet.

On a side note, i just played like 8 matches of WE7. The CPU schooled me in nearly half of them. That did NOT feel very good. I'm the kind of guy who can't stop rematching until I win. Otherwise I can't sleep.

Today I bumped into a very professional looking Janice in the middle of ZhongXiao St. after teaching English today. An incredible coincidence. Unfortunately we were headed in different directions and it felt really awkward and stupid standing in the middle of a busy street trying to make conversation, so I didn’t really get a chance to catch up like I wanted to.

On the way home, I imagined what it would be like to have a relationship with Janice. I do this all the time with girls that I think are nice. My prognosis: not good. Reason: She dresses too nicely and is too mature. Isn’t that fucked up? It’s the goddamn truth though. People like Janice are intimidating. It’s like I can’t admit anything about myself or I risk getting scolded by her maturity. I also started to worry about the fact that I was still wearing the same pajama-grade clothes for the last 48 hours, while she was decked out in a really mature ladies suit. I mean really professional. That’s goddamn intimidation. That’s why during the whole conversation, I noticed it was difficult for me to make eye contact. That’s when I felt like running home to my girlfriend, who is my sanctuary of approval and acceptance, no matter how fucked up I may be.

I’ve realized that it’s impossible for me to be comfortable around normal, successful people who dress really well. I just don’t know how to be like them. To work from 9 to 5 and not question every fucking injustice that I see. To attend social gatherings and be “okay” with just sitting there even though everybody’s fronting to the point where I want to take a gun and blow their fucking head off. To wear a nice suit without having to question the goddamn point of all that hassle. To talk mature not realizing that maturity itself is an artificial product of society and not in touch with human nature.

I'm doomed to marry my girlfriend. It’s a fucking miracle that I have found a girl who is decent looking AND doesn’t give me a fucking hard time every day for my anti-social tendencies.

I drew these pictures today at Shake House....






My mind is so dirty...

I am so goddamn hooked on Winning Eleven 7 (aka Pro Evolution Soccer 3). I love this game so much that I even downloaded the PC version so I can play it when my girlfirend is using the TV. Like I said before, I never really liked soccer, but this game is starting to change that. When a sports game makes you LIKE a sport you never originally liked, you know it's a magnificent piece of art.

This game actually makes you think like a soccer player. You play this enough, and soon you'll develop a natural instinct on so many things in soccer. Like when to cross, or when to attempt a run, or being wary of overcommitting on defense. You'll learn these things becuase if you don't play this game like a real soccer player would, you'll lose. The same can't be said about the FIFA series. The FIFA series was designed by mediocre people who care more about presentation than the actual game.

You gotta credit the physics engine in this game. It's so eeringly realisitic. I can't even express it in words. You just have to to try it and you'll understand. This reviewer said it pretty well:

Perfection in every sense of the word. Smooth, flowing, and amazingly satisfying. You have to work for your goals, its about spreading the ball across the pitch, about timing the killer through ball, about dummying the keeper. It really is about skill, patience, and general know-how. The strategies are in depth, the formations can totally affect the outcome of a match. This really is what football is all about. All i can say is, it's unrivalled and absoloute nigh-on genius. Oh, and multiplayer? up to 8 people, 4 vs 4, 7 vs 1, full multiplayer leagues, you name it, its in there. The best multiplayer game around and im not going over the top. Just a shame theres no online option...

I'm watching the replays of the last game I played. It's so amazingly real, just like the stuff you'll see on ESPN replays. The pace, the way players run, the way players contort their bodies in awkward positions to control the ball, the way players jostle for position... it's all here.

WE7 is the best sports game ever made. No doubt about it.

Wow, I actually made a positive post.

I like this pic. It's a statement about how fucking kickass modern society has become. When I see this pic, I feel like restarting the world. Killing off everything and leaving only animals. Hopefully evolution will not make the same mistake twice and create us again.

I know I've had a lot of negative posts in the last few days but I'm a really negative person by nature so if you don't like that then get the fuck out. Phew. Anyways, today I actually went out of my way to have a chat with Uncle Phillip, my "mentor" in Taiwan. He's always full of good advice and I find it easiest to digest what he has to say. Unfortunately today I think he got a little too carried away and started criticizing me for my inability to decide a "commission price" for subcontracting my MIDI work to other people without understanding the whole situation. That's when I started feeling the juices in my testicles flowing and I wanted to smack him on his dopey ass face. This guy is like the recent Kobe. He performs well when he's calm but often falls back to mediocrity if agitated (mediocrity in giving advice = crticizing without empathy)

Anyways tonight I thought to myself, why the hell do I respect this social whore so much. He is after all, what my girlfriend calls a "happa-bijin", literally 8-faced beauty. Doesn't mean he's GQ cover boy material, it just means he does whatever it takes to be liked by as many people as possible. I guess he's especially good at this cuz he can do it while giving the impression that he's "still himself". But I've come to realize that I can't trust anyone who looks too good on paper, because either that person is not being candid with me or he's just a big fat liar. I'm the kinda person who makes friends quickly with people who are ready to confess their ugly weaknesses rather than those who are on a perpetual self-promotional campaign. Vulnerability is fucking sweet.

I also watched Lost in Translation tonight as per Mr. Distrust's recommendations. I only planned on quickly checking out the movie but after a few scenes I found myself glued to the screen. Too bad I was just too tired to finish the whole movie, but I can't wait until tomorrow when I'm wide awake to absorb all the goodness in this film.

A general rule is that in any song with a "feat.", the guy that's being "featured" is a big loser. He can't sing so he raps retarded lines, thinking that he's actually a big shot riding someone else's musical talent, when in reailty he's a dork. Take for instance, the song I'm working on right now. "Till morning comes, feat. VERBAL". So VERBAL is the name of the moronic rapper eh? I'm gonna quote one passage from this song (the chorus outro)

dumb_rap.mp3 (10 second MP3 ~130Kbytes)

"You're now rocking with the best and nothing less baby"
(are you sure you're the BEST? maybe you should get out of your house dipshit)

"Yo"
(hi there)

"Work it out girl"
(i think she's doing fine. the guy who needs a mental lobotomy is YOU)

"C'mon, c'mon"
(no, i think i'll stay here)

"Yo"
(you already said that dork)

I fucking hate wannabe rappers. They should stay away from microphones, period, Recording their low IQ and talentless musicianship is a pure waste of electricity.

If there's one thing I hate more than listening to j-pop rap, it's to listen to it 100 times as i try to sequence the endless patternless sequence of 16th notes for a fucking 16 bars while this fucking talentless dude spouts retarded rap cliches like:

"from the top to the bottom to the bottom to the top"
"hey yo, hey yo"
"check it"
"freaky freaky freaky"
"yo yo, yo yo"
"say what, say what"

Here's my own rap cliche:

"Yo muthafucka, learn how to fucking sing"

Here are some poersonal observations about rap songs:

1. 95% of the time there is no harmonic progression. It's the same chord played over and over. I shouldn't even say chord. It's just a bassline really. If there IS a chord progression (heaven forbid it's that difficult for them to make one themselves), usually it's a ripoff of some famous song. like Puff Daddy's "I'll be Missing You". Now as to WHY they steal other music. A) it's some kind of tribute or B) they just can't make real music. I'd go with B, bob.

2. All the variety comes from that droning voice. Rap phrases seem to revolve around 16th notes with no apparent pattern.

3. The success of a rap song depends largely on the "sample loop". The sample loop is the bassline, drums and maybe some cool sfx repeated a hundred fucking times while the dude raps to his heart's content. Think B.I.G's Hyptonize. The cool SFX at the beginning of the song and the neato bassline make the song listenable. It also helps that his lyrics are also funny. If the sample loop sucks, then nobody wants to listen to it.

The instrument I hate the most has got to be the wah-wah guitar. Who the fuck invented this device. It resonates like a bitch, the pitch is impossible to guess, and the sound just annoys the shit out of me. Inserting a wah-wah part into a song is fucking talentless work. Yet it’s a fucking nightmare for me who has to reconstruct the original score.

After reading pk_girlo’s latest post, I just couldn’t help but laugh my head off. Here’s the part that really caught my eye:

This year I have met some new friends at school and they are wonderful people. In November when the term was nearing project due dates and exams I got side tracked for a bit (by the robbery incident) but these new friends helped me get by - Alvin and Brian in particular. I had anticipated finishing 80% of an assignment but they took time out of their schedule to help me finish mine when they had stayed up till 5 am to finish their own. On top of that, what ever s/w program that was used in our courses Alvin burned for me on CD to take home to install so I wouldn't have to stay late at school to finish my homework, he didn't even wait for me to ask he just showed up the next day with a CD. I am so thankful to meet friends like them - I say friends because I have gotten to know them not by name and face but to know their personality and the friendship they offer - that alone is worth living for.

Friends?? Smells more like your run-of-the-mill chumps to me. Sounds like a couple of eager-beaver kids waiting in line at McDonalds for their Happy Meal toys, oblivious to the fact that they’re already sold out. Or like the very articulate azn_anonymous says, it sounds more like two “double agents” who are waiting like hungry vultures for any socially acceptable reason to score points with the pretty pk_girlo.

How do I know all this? Because that’s exactly what I would do if I had the hots for pk_girlo (like I have the hots for chynadoll_18). I’d do anything to get her to like me. Helping out with homework after 5am and burning CD’s? Please that’s so fucking transparent. I’ve done that before but only for girls I thought would be nice to sleep with. Does that mean I'm a nice friendly guy? I don't think so. If those two dudes helped out some disgracefully ugly, acne-infested, tubby bitch by staying up after 5am or burning CD’s, then I’d give them a medal for their kindness and friendship. But helping someone as good looking as pk_girlo, they are simply chumps with a functioning amount of testosterone.

Pardon my cynical, judgmental, fucked up view, but I don’t believe that any straight male can help pk_girlo and not have that split second fantasy that he’s somehow going to have sex with her one day. I must emphasize split second, because more likely than not, the chump still has a firm grasp on reality and realizes that all that gel he plops on his hair every morning isn’t having the desired effect on girls that he would like. But still, he can’t stop listening to his hormones, so he’s in a dilemma. Deep in his heart he just wants to just grab pk_girlo, take off her panties and do the dirty, but because we live in a sterile social world with many repressive rules the next best thing he can do is simply be a gentlemen to her whenever the opportunity arises. It’s not that easy of a thing. Help too much and people will start thinking. Help too little and the chump is worried about his scorecard. So it’s all about balance. Too bad the best thing that could possibly happen to them is being used as pk_girlo's rebound after a potential break-up. It’s really sad that guys are forced to prostrate themselves in front of beautiful girls like this. It’s proof that the women’s movement have really turned things around for their own gender.

By the way, if those two guys Alvin and Brian are gay, then I take back everything I say. Also, I'm not saying that pk_girlo shouldn't have gotten help or anything... I'm glad there were chumps around her to help her through that incident, but I think she should be more honest with herself and be thankful for her good looks instead of "friends". I doubt a disgracefully ugly, acne-infested, tubby bitch would have been saved that way... probably would've committed suicide from the lack of sympathy.

By the way again, I would bet anything that Alvin and Brian are gonna be yelling "woohoo" at the top of their lungs once they see that they were the only two males mentioned in pk_girlo's post. If not yelling out loud, at least their hormones and testicles will be smiling. Because the chance that they're gonna have sex with her in the near future has just jumped from 1% to 1.5%.

I just smacked a mosquito so hard his insides exploded on my hand and his wings and miscellanous body parts were reduced to an unidentifable mix of black smudge on the wall. Never have a felt so satisfied killing another living being. These fucknig pests bite the shit out of us every night. No matter how many we kill, they just keep on comnig back.

Recently, the only game I’ve been playing on my PS2 with any frequency is winning eleven 7, Konami's first-class soccer game. Now, I’ve never really liked soccer all that much, but playing this game I didn't really care. It could have been something as boring as curling and I would have still gotten hooked. I have NEVER seen any sports game mimic reality like winning eleven 7 while still maintaining an entertaining gaming experience. Every small detail that FIFA ignores, WE7 successfully captures. The way players juggle and dribble the ball, the way you lose response when you sprint, the way you lose accuracy if you shoot from a poor position. It’s all captured and it looks good. Those who don't understand the finer points of this game probably will throw their hands up in frustration every time their "good shot" flies over the post. But to me, this is a blessing, a sign that in this world there are still people who care about small details and who care about making a quality product, who don't cater to mentally average people who only seek "cheap thrills"...

What is so SAD is that nobody has yet made a basketball game that really mimics the feel of playing real b-ball. NBA Live 2004 is a step in the right direction but it's still not right. Anyone’s whose taken a jump shot knows you need proper footing for good accuracy, and yet after more than 10 years of b-ball games not a single game mimics this fact. It doesn't matter if you’ve got the momentum for a pull-up or whether you've just faked someone out but lost your footwork, it's all the same. The accuracy of a jump shot is measured solely on the shot rating, whether you release at your peak, and how close the defender is. You can drive and without even taking the time to stop and plant your feet, you can be up in the air for a good shot. Try taking a shot right after the 1st step of driving. In real life, it's impossible without stopping after the next step. You need time to plant both feet on the ground for elevation yet NOT A SINGLE PERSON at EA or visual concepts understands this. Just retarded. Or how about layups or dunks. How many times have you seen in these cheap b-ball games, players who post up and have absolutely no forward momentum, and then all of a sudden with like 20G’s of force they are able to rocket towards the net for a layup or dunk. It’s physically impossible, and more importantly it LOOKS STUPID. You’d think someone would raise their hand and complain but nobody does, because either their visual acuity is so fucked up or they just don’t care about making a quality game anymore.

I’ve got more beef with basketball games. How come every move that beats the defender has to revolve around some over-the-top crossover. Seriously, you don’t see people get crossed up that often in the NBA, and you know WHY? Because the defender has to be real afraid of your DRIVE before he will be fooled. That means, yes folks, that in order for a successful crossover to be believable, you have to actually drive real hard from time to time and show the defender that if he doesn’t tighten up his D up a notch, he will be beat every time off the dribble. And yet with the possible exception of NBA live 2004, NOBODY has ever captured the simple dynamics of driving left or right to the hoop. It’s one of the simplest actions that gets performed endlessly in the NBA and yet nobody bothers to capture it. It’s totally different from sprinting down the court fast. You drop your shoulder into your defender, you dribble on the outside hand to protect the ball, and you drive in a slight curve.

Or how about the triple threat position. As a mediocre player of basketball it didn’t take long for me to realize just how deadly the triple threat position is. You’re holding the ball, making it much harder for the defender to steal it. You also have a first step drive which for everybody but select NBA guards like Iverson, will be quicker than driving off the dribble. And of course you can always threaten the opponent with the shot. The triple threat is the reason I can beat my taller neighbor at basketball almost every time, and yet not a single b-ball successfully captures the deadliness of this position. For Christ’s sakes, even in the NBA, all good SG’s pop-out of the baseline so that they can get the ball in the triple threat (or for a quick catch n’shoot, which also is not captured in any b-ball game), and yet not a single basketball game acknowledges this fact.

So what do basketball games emphasize? Cool 360 between-the-legs dunks. AND1-grade crossovers (in an NBA game, your ass would be on the bench if you dared pull something like that off). Cool behind-the-back passes. I'm not saying that you shouldn’t have these kinds of moves at ALL, they keep the spice in the game, but if every fucking 5th move is highlight material then the “oooh” effect stars to wear thin pretty quick. These moves should be used with careful discretion because it ruins the realism of the game.

So I guess I'm the only one here, bitching about realism while all the mentally average sheep seem to be okay with things. This is why I should’ve been born in Japan. Japanese people know how to make a fine product (or should I say, used it, now that they have been westernized), particularly when it comes to games. With the exception of Blizzard and Irrational Games, and maybe Id and Valve (their games are exceptional primarily because of the social value of multiplayer gaming), the majority of American game developers simply lack that indescribable talent and visual acuity required to make a great game. Probably because even if you make a great game nobody fucking cares unless it’s marketable. Spectacular games like Twinsen’s Little Big Adventure and System Shock end up in the bargain bin and yet they are magnificent works of art, that are deserving of a place in a museum. Yet nobody cares.

As I said before, I am surrounded by fucking sheep.

On Ben’s site I read a recent post where he mentioned the line:

"Because as we all know, love is not selfish"

Hopefully I’m not reading this out of context here, but I’ll just take that line for what it is. If love isn't selfish then I don't think I’ve ever been in love before. Here is my own cynical, unpoetic dissertation of love:

1. When I say I "love" someone I say it because being with them makes me feel good. This is the primary motivation for love. And yes, it’s selfish.

2. If they stop making me feel good, then the only reasons why I might not break up is because a) I’m too lazy b) too afraid of the pain of seeing her heartbroken face or c) maybe things will change. But certainly not because I "love" you, whatever the hell that means. To say "I won't ever leave you because I love you" makes no goddamn sense to me. It’s a good line to use on certain occasions though.

3. A lot of times people do things that masquerade as love but they really have selfish motivations. My dad feeds my cat lobster and shrimp every day, and now the cat is fucking twice the size of a normal one. You’d think by now, he'd think about his health but he "loves" his cat so he can't stop feeding him. That's just damn selfish, because I know he's gets high off seeing someone depend on him. How many times have you fed an animal and you got so high off of it? Are you really a good person who loves animals or are you just hooked to the euphoria of having a living creature eating out of your hand?

4. If I make personal sacrifices for someone I "love" it's because I believe there's some kind of ROI waiting for me in the future. 99% there's always some kind of ROI. Either they love you even more, your friends think you're so sweet, you get more sex, you avoid conflict, you avoid feeling bad about yourself, you avoid getting criticized by others... etc. etc... I can't recall I SINGLE time I made a sacrifice and didn't get ANYTHING back from it. You just have to look real deep inside of you for what the return is...


Basically, my boring-ass thesis is that humans are simply Darwinian entities who have the special ability of higher consciousness and thought, so they try to beautify their ugly selfish motivations to fuck the opposite sex with euphemisms like "love". A lot of times these motivations are so hidden that people will mistake "selfless" actions for actually being selfless when in reality any action that has a personal motivation is a selfish one.

In other words: we are all selfish by nature but through appropriate brainwashing we can give off the appearance of being selfless.

if you play the 1st movement of beethoven's moonlight sonata transposed up by 1 semitone (so the first chord is Dmin insetad of C#min), it sounds so amateurish.

i guses on a subliminal level, people equate songs written in all white keys as amateurish and those with tons of black keys professional, even though on a scientific level there should be no difference in perceived quality.

becuase i honestly think 99% of winamp skins are total shit, while people are praising them left and right.

the ONLY alternative winamp skin good enough for me is:

nucleo_nlog_v_102

now mmd is real sexy and commercial but it's not very functional. nucleo_nlog is the only skin that is both microsoft-grade visually appealing and is also very functional.

i just came back from teaching English and i had a nice talk with the kids about their fucked up school system. one of my students looked real depressed today because she did poorly on her math test. i asked her what her definition of "poor" is and she told me "i was only 10th in my class [of 32 people]"

so, to her, being 10th out of 32 isn't good enough... well technically speaking it's not good enough for her mom. she has to come in 1st, 2nd, 3rd or 4th if she wants to avoid getting yelled at.

the Taiwanese education system is so fucked up. kids simply have NO TIME to think freely or to develop their own thoughts. instead, they are treated as non-stop test machines. that is after all what the Taiwanese education system has been reduced to: you just have to pass tests. doesn’t matter if you're still a fucking sheep, as long as you can answer a # of predictable questions within a given amount of time you're considered hot shit.

It’s just fucking amazing how much time kids spend doing school related shit and not enough playing or observing the world around them. But it’s real easy to understand how things ended up like this.

Imagine a dumbass romantic who falls in love with a girl and wants to win her heart. He buys her a flower every week but she still doesn’t respond. So he does the next most obvious thing, buys her a rose every day, but she still doesn’t respond. Instead of thinking that maybe his method isn’t correct the guy just keeps buying more and more roses until he starts to get more and more desperate and starts buying her expensive clothes and jewelry and then a car and then a whole fucking house. All the while he just doesn’t understand why the girl doesn’t like him..

That’s the exact kind of mentality that taiwanese parents have. Make them do more homework. Send them to cram school. Just make them do more work damnit. More hours more hours. Turn off the TV, the Nintendo, it’s bad for them. Sitting for endless hours writing homework is better for them. Who the fuck cares if they’re getting depressed or committing suicide. You gotta beat others if you wanna survive. Right. Very true. So everyone’s trying to beat each other at writing fucking pen and paper tests as a way of getting a “pass” to big money and great jobs in the future. Nobody gives a shit if their kids are all becoming dumbass monkeys who can’t think for themselves. That is after all what the education system seems to be breeding. Dumbass monkeys, who are forced to do boring shit all day long and don’t even question why they’re being slaves to this ridiculous freak show. One day I’m going to create a software program and put it into a machine that looks like a child, send it to school and have it ace every fucking test. Wouldn’t be too hard to write. Just a stupid fucking lookup table. Then when I come out #1 in the class I will laugh at all the parents saying how a computer beat their kids at school.

fuck this. i download 3 cd's of beyond good and evil for the pc. wait for the entire install process to finish, boost my aging gayforce3 memory speed beyond it's normal spec, close down all applications and shut down norton anti virus, twiddle with some graphics settings, adjust my keyboard/mouse controls, and for ALL THIS FUCKING hassle just to run a stupid game i get

fucking 5-15 fps (ie unplayability)

this is so fucking pc. a 2Ghz machine with a video card that initially cost more than a ps2 and it can't even deliver an equal gaming experience. btw, the same game exists for the ps2 and i will bet ANYTHING that it runs at a solid 30fps if not maybe a a solid 60fps. why? because console games just don't suck as hard as pc games. don't give me this bullshit about how the ps2 runs at a lower resolution. you can try reducing the resolution of a pc game to something less than a ps2 but it will still run like shit.

what's that? optimization? my system isn't optimized? fuck you. i've optimized it enough but i'm not about to fuck around my chipset settings to get that "orgasmic" 1-2% performacne increase. what's that? my system's too old? how old's the ps2 you dumb shit. pc's just fucking suck. they are the biggest lie of the century. when's the last time you actually played a game that ran a full 60fps all the way on the PC. rich geeks with a fat pocket please don't reply, we don't need to hear stories of your liquid nitrogen cooled 10 Ghz system that probably uses up 200 times the electricity.

my conspiracy theory is that all pc games have been built to run on systems that don't even exist yet as a way to pressure consumers to keep buying new hardware. i mean when a 2Ghz gets outperfromed 3 or 4 times by a 350Mhz one, SOMETHING just isn't right. does single-platform optimization really give you 20 times the performance/Mhz or is there just something fishy going on.

i cannot recall HOW MANY TIMES i have ran a game on my pc and i was so fucking disappointed at the performance. i buy a new pc with better than average frequency and yet that is not "good enough" to satisfy the grubby hardware manufactures. the 3d video card market is nothing but a fucking zoo. people release new specs and new features left and right but for the majority of the pc population games STILL DON'T RUN AT 60FPS. this is a terrible injustice that will never be rectified because 1. consumers are still so fucking stuipd and 2. people are too greedy and have no ethics.

fuck this.

1. it's a lot "easier" to have good sex if my girlfriend smells dirty. i don't mean like outside dust and tobacco particles dirty, i mean dirty in the sense that she's been hanging around at home all day or been sleeping for the last 8 hours and hasn't taken a shower and she's covered with her own grime and sweat. when she smells like herself, it's a big turn on. so i don't understand why people always insist on taking a shower before having sex or going on a date. it's counterproductive to the desried goal. trying to screw my girlfriend after she's just taken a shower just isn't that much fun. and while i never believed in this pheromone bulshit before, i'm thinking there's some degree of truth to it.

2. i think periods smell bad for a reason. during period sex, if i get a wiff of that fishy cheesy smell, it's very hard to continue. it makes sense only from a reproduction efficiency perspective. cumming into a women's who's in their period is very inefficient. so the smell is like a message telling you to save your sperm for antoher woman. a very scientific and passionless explanation but i think it's a good one.

3. when i get a hard-on too quickly, i can feel my iq dropping accordingly. all that blood rushing down there...

why the fuck am i still typing on a mushy POS keyboard. is it so much to ask of a compnay to just fucking SELL a good keyboard? you look at logitech keyboards and they say swiss technology on the box. just what the FUCK is "swiss" technology? this kind of mushy piece of shit? yes, very swiss. fuck you logitech... marketing whores. i go to the biggest computer mall in taipei and i'm looknig for a quality keyboard and there are THOUSDANDS on sale but ALL OF THEM ARE FUCKING MUSHY PIECES OF SHIT! why... why why why are consumers so fucking moronic. stop budgeting on things that could give you rsi, you fucking sheep.

people who buy budget inkjet printers = idiots. inkjet printers are the most unreliable inconsistent pieces of crap ever made. kinda like my jump shot. they start off printing nice when you first buy them but a few months later it inexplicably gets worse and after a year it's fucking useless. do you really save money by buying a new printer every year and having to replace the cartridge ever month? stop patting yourself on the back by coming home with your POS and saying "look eveyrbody, i only paid $50 for this printer". you motherfucking sheep. you're being brainwashed and manipulated and you're still patting yourself on the back.

people who bought a fuji finepix = idiots. hahah got suckered by the 5.0 mega pixels? didn't bother to actually look at a sample did ya. didn't think something was suspicious when it sold less for 2.0 mega pixel cameras did ya. hope you like your orange prints. why the fuck do you act like you know cameras when you don't. why is it 1st question everyone asks about a camera is.. "how many megapixels?" next time someone asks me about my camera i'l just say it's 978 megapixels and i got it for $20. i'll win the pointelss megapixel/dollar competition without question. you fucknig morons. 2 megapixels is more than enough for a consmer camera. did you EVER, FUCKING CONSIDER FOR ONCE that there's more to a camera that stupid megapixels statistic? like for instance, DOES THE PICTURE ACTUALLY LOOK GOOD? you fucking sheep. you're just making it easier for companies to sell us trash.

televisions. well given that i've already bitched about ths one and that people are mindlessly paying a fucking arm and leg for watching 3/2 pulldown ntsc signals on a "cool lcd tv god i'm so hot you don't have one but i do so i'm better than everyone else hahaha" i don't know what else to say. enjoy your 10,000K whites and poor color reproduction, you fucking sheep.

sony equipment. if you fucking buy another piece of sony trash other than the ps2 (which is stil trash but you have no choice so i forgive you and myself) you are an idiot. sony has degraded into another marketing whore company. they fuck your mind over using all kidns of brand name shit and fancy box design but everything they make nowadays is FUCKING CRAP. stereos, televisions, cd players... they all LOOK good but inside they are all FUCKIGN CRAP. kinda like those hollywood pretentious social whores.

steroe systems. haahaha. this one' sfunny. if you ever buy a stereo from future shop or such mass market electronic stores i hope you know what you're paying for. a nice looking stereo that has been crippled in terms of reproducing music. wait, isn't reproducing music the reason you bought a stereo? but you're such a fucking sheep, the fact that it looks good makes you think it actually produces good sound. get a fucking clue and listen. 99% of audio equipemnt out there is just pure marketing-oriented garbage.

i have to stop my mindless ranting now because my hands are hurting typing on this piece of shit keyboard. WHY DOESN'T ANYONE FUCKING SELL A GOOD KEYBOARD ANYMORE? IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF THE FUCKING SHEEP.

i just finished downloading 8775 roms for the nes. 8775 games is a hella lot. they're sorted by country, so after extraction there's a list of folders like this

Asia
Country_Unknown
Hacks
Japan
Pirate
Usa
World
etc...

The most interestnig shit are in Country_Unknown and Pirate foldres. Amongst the numerous "75 in 1" cartridges which saturated chinatown video game stores, to my surprise, there are also some fucking lame-ass attempts to reproduce snes and arcade games on the nes. the names have obviously been manipulated to geneate the most attention: "street fighter 3 turbo" "mortal kombat turbo". hahahaha so fucking lame. and as expected, everything in the game controls like shit, moves like shit, and plays like shit. like the "super mario world" port (surprised they didnt' call it "super mario world hyper turbo") it seems to look like the original game but all the small details such as the way mario jumps and bounces off enemies is totally off. it's all very chinese.




look at those lame-ass screenshots. one game just completely baffled me. they used the konami logo, put their own dumbass company name beside it, and used mario sprites to create some stupid puzle game. smells like vintage Taiwan/China 3rd rate efforts to make a quick buck. these people were obviously forced by poverty to create such low class illegal ripoffs. i mean, if i was the person responsible for maknig these games, i'd commit suicide. i'd feel so resopnsible for polluting the video game scene with such garbage and then selling them to eager-beaver kids who are led to believe that they can play the next generation games on their dilapadated famicom and get the same experience. if i was god i'd find and physically mutilate these assholes who use other people's talent and artistic superiority and then make lame-ass ripoffs to profit from it. fucking sinners. no fucking idea how to make quality stuff so they resort to this kind of trash.

curious? then please click on the link below

we.mp3 (836k)

sometimes you hit a moment where you just stop and look back at how far you've come over the years, and it makes you smile. i just spent the last few hours decomposing one of my favorite tunes, the winning eleven 7 "replay theme" (which according to my gf is also the theme played on every broadcasted soccer game in japan) on the sc-8850. i've been playing it live on my keyboard for several days now because it's really damn catchy and won't get out of my head. it's got real commerical appeal. but it's only a couple of hours ago that i decided to finally sequence it into cakewalk and give it a bassline, drums, and some extra harmonic filler.

i can't stop listening to it because i'm so impressed with myself. i honestly think this could really pass as something professional. the most amazing thing is how fast i can produce stuff like this. musical decomposition and sound re-engineering in less than a couple of hours. no transcribe either. for something done entirely by ear/memory i think i'm pretty damn good. especially since i never even passed grade 3 harmony at the rcm and never took a single course in sound engineering or sequencing.

in high school i always looked up to those european wizards who created those amazing MOD or S3M files. i tried so many times to create that "big, full sound" that they seemed to create so effortlessly, but without knowledge of music theory and sound engineering it was pretty much fruitless. i'm sure the one problem that everyone encounters when they try to make their own music as beginners is that it sounds too "empty". when they listen to other music they only hear the melody, kicks and snares but they aren't aware of the background stuff.. the hihats, bass, and pads that are invisibly providing the melody with crucial harmonic support. it took me several years to understand the fine art of creating the harmonic support for a melody, it's not that easy and there are many gotchas.

i think when i started playing around with propellerhead's reason my understanding of music went up another level. the greatest thing about reason is that it comes with so many samples, most of them sounding quite professional, so you can play around with them and see how they fit into a song. unfortunately though, i find that with all software synths they seem to lack a certain "edge" that only hardware synths can prodcue. after a while i got tired of reason... it seemed fairly limited in terms of what it could produce and other people's work were not very inspiring.

now after 5 months of countless decomposing for cmusic i am now learning more and more sound engineering techniques . things like proper use of cutoff and resonance filters, ADSR envelopes, various panning methods, proper reverb technique, these are all things that are essential to producing good sound. unfortunately my knowledge of music theory has pretty much been at a standstill for the last while and i don't forsee myself writing a hit a song in the near future. still it's nice to know that i have a strong ability to reverse engineer most kinds of music effortlessly.

The North American Guide to Being Cool and Accepted

cuz i'm so smart and witty and i think it makes me special..

today at lunch i met up with old pals again, danny & diana, charlie & sharon, jack & himself. basically, another social setting with different people fighting for the same piece of the "attention pie". i admit that i have this incorrigable habit. everytime i sit down at a social table when other people are taking bigger pieces of the attention pie than i am, i get pissed off and start to analyze everyone else as a way of feeling superior. sometimes i will grin just to let you know "haha, you're so transparent, i know everything about you haha"... so that i will get superiority marks from you.

i don't know about you but when i am in social setting i need constant attention in order to enjoy myself. if people start talking about something without my active participation, i start to get antsy from the lack of attention. if it goes on for even longer i might have to take a fake bathroom break just to remind myself that i still exist by pissing into the toilet. i guess it's all thanks to the motherfuckers who won't leave the quiet ones alone. if i just sit there looking bored someone's bound to say: "hey terry, howcome you're so quiet today?", as if there's something wrong with me like i can't enjoy the festive mood or something.

now thankfuly, i have an ace up my sleeve.. my girlfriend, who unwillingly comes with me to these social events even though she'll go the whole night just saying "hello" and "goodbye" and nothing in between. but she'll come anyways, and whenever the topic moves on without me and i'm feeling all alone and unimportant, i'll just turn to my girlfriend who's always available to listen to me. it's kinda like how people try to get out on their own in this world but when the world fucks them over real bad they run home to daddy and mommy to bandage their wounds. i do the same whenever people leave me out of their conversations... i run to my girlfriend for ego tonic and hopefully by the time i'm healed the topic will have moved on to something that i can participate in.

even though my girlfriend initially didn't show up, i made it through today's social event fine, thanks to the fact that danny was sitting next to me giving me lots of gay love & attention, and the fact that sharon (who's more of an outsider and rarely says antyhing) was sitting opposite to me and was always ready for a new conversation topic. so, i was able to keep my mouth fairly busy today even without my girlfriend. i'm getting pretty good i think.

i have realized that having a girlfriend is the most powerful ego-boosting tool you can have when participating in any social setting. you can try to act super-friendly or brag about your job or your salary or how many other friends you still have to see or parties you still have to go to but NOTHING speaks louder than bringing your bitch with you, and subliminally passing the message: "see? at least this girl wants to fuck me, not you, me". i swear to god i cannot give my respect to any man who doesn't have a girlfriend by the age of 20. women are the best judges of a man's worth and even our own actions reflect that. we are strongly motivated to do things that will earn a girl's approval. we will talk shit and talk even more bullshit hoping that girls will think we have everything figured out when in reality our life is a fucking joke. i will post wise all-knowing philiosophical comments on a girl's xanga site whenever she acts like she needs emotional help hoping that this girl will think "wow, linterry is such a smart guy, i wonder what having sex wtih him is like". of course, that's an unrealistic fantasy but it sure as hell fills the role of realistic motivation.

i always pity those few people at a social setting who have no girlfriends when everyone else does. they must be so saddled with proving the worth of their own existence its no wonder they always seem to be forcing stuff out of their mouth. it's not their fault really. if they don't say anything they will be first in line to be picked on because it's always easier to pick on a single guy than a guy who has a hot girlfriend that you can't even have for yourself. we had one of these tragic stories today but of course i'm just assuming he still hasn't found a girlfriend. if i had to guess by his numerous cheap attention-grabbing lines however, i think he still hasn't found one.

as i flip through my overloaded mp3 library i find it harder and harder to enjoy music nowadays. i suppose it's because of my newly developed almost-instinctual ability to decompose any piece of music at an astounding speed. when i listen to any piece of "modern" music nowadays i listen closely for the bassline, hihats, kicks, snares, chord progression, i listen for use of cutoff and resonance filters and if my mind says "i know what's going on in this song" then i can't enjoy it anymore.

it's strange, after i decomposed prodigy's breathe i have no desire to listen to it anymore. probably because while decomposing it i listened to it countless times, but in a strange sense, once i understood every part of the song, it no longer impressed or moved me. i feel that part of the reason why music is enjoyable is that there is some kind of "mystique" as to how it's made. when the mystique is gone then the enjoyment of the song is greatly reduced.

i haven't downloaded any new songs off the internet for quite a long time and given the sheer amount of musically-handicapped hip-hop r&b songs out there i cant' say i'm surprised. i'm not saying that mega-hit producers behind pop idols like britney spears and christina aguilera are talentless. they have a LOT of talent, but most of it is in the sound engineering department. they are masters of filling up the frequency spectrum with highly tuned samples and using compression techniques to create that unmistakble "big sound" that is so attention-grabbing. in way they are like the people who engineered mcdonalds food. food purists would rather commit suicide than to call mcdonalds real food and yet nobody can deny that it really does taste good.

i think technology has really destroyed the art of music. in a sense technology has broadened the dimensions in which we can produce musical sounds, mostly in the form of providing a wider range of samples and effects. and yet i think people nowadays focus too much on the technology of music. they spend too much time tinkering with samples and effects instead of really sitting down in a quiet secluded place and pondering over more musical things like interesting chord progressions or clever ways of using counterpoint.

the way i see it, the reason why immortal composers like beethoven and mozart were able to create such timeless pieces is because the only technology they had was the orchestra. compared to today's samples and synthesizers, an orchestra is far more restricted in terms of what sounds it can produce. when they comopsed on the piano, their task was simplified even further. 2 hands on 88 keys. so all they mental energy and talent was concentrated on the actual notes themselves, rather than on how to sound the notes. no wonder the stuff they produced still carries that mystical feel to them. those notes carry significant meaning.

today though composers have to worry about so many more things. compression, eq, reverb, chorus panning, delay lines, distrotion, EQ, flanger, cutoff, resonance, attack, delay, sustain, and release enevelopes... there are more i am sure, most of these things are more related to "sound engineering" but it seems these days any modern producer generally needs to get their feet wet with both composition and sound engineering at the same time.

i have decomposed over 20 songs up to now for cmusic. most of it is your run-of-the-mill j-pop trash. would you believe that one song i received from V6 (an insanely popular yet musically handicapped boy band in japan), was basically one 2-bar sample looped 50 goddamn times with a couple of kids rapping over it? ok, so they also layered some extra kicks and hi-hats and a couple of riffs. but once i decomposed the 2-bar sample, there wasn't much left to do except for a lot of cutting and pasting. 6000NT in 3 hours. thanks V6.

most other songs aren't that bad. still a fair bit of copying and pasting, but not 50 times. however, one thing that's terribly distrubing nowadays is the "100% fixed tempo", which is certainly a sign of dependence on drum machines. basically, the whole song runs EXACTLY at its base bpm for the WHOLE song. it never slows down a bit, or speeds up a bit. i know this for a fact because i can import the entire audio track into cakewalk and if my tempo is set correctly then a constant bpm song will line up perfectly on every measure. i would say 90% of the songs i have received are like this. talk about dehumanizing music. of course, a constant bpm song makes my job hella easier, so i wont' complain too much.

the only 3 songs that i would consider to have "musical depth" were made by some totally unknown artist who probably never saw the light of day on any top 10 charts. if you listened to the orchestra.mp3 sample i posted, that was her. even though she used very few parts (piano, strings, french horns) the music itself was very deep and complex. there was almost no cutting and pasting invovled. and the melody was difficult to sequence. the constantly wavering tempo made it extremely hard to determine which beat they landed on. this is in sharp contrast to most modern songs where the melody line is a total breeze to decompose.

i'm sure though, that the audience may finally one day become sick of this computerized dehumanized "music" and revert back to its organic roots. it may take a long time but i can't forsee music getting more butchered than it is today. as i am listening to chopin right now and i am totally baffled by his beautiful yet complex chord progressions i am certain that organic music has an intangible inherent beauty missing from most modern songs we hear today.

i practiced basketball alone today at midnight. i haven't exercised in a long time. i know exercising is supposed to make your body produce endorphins and make you all happy and shit but instead all i'm feeling right now is DEAD TIRED. all i did was dribble around, shoot a few set shots, collect rebounds and after 2 minutes i started seeing red spots in my eyes. my physical condition is so terrible i don't think i could even finish a pick up game without falling unconscious.

i tried to practice some new moves that i saw in some recent nba games, such as the jump stop and the dribble spin move. i sort of managed to pull them off but i'm sure something wasn't right. i imagine i looked very stupid trying these moves.

i've finally realized that i have already past the peak of my basketball career. sadly, this peak was not very high. my repetoire is very limited... probably becuase 90% of the time i spent with a basketball was practicing shooting in my driveway all alone. just about any basketball jock who plays pick up games on a weekly basis could kick my ass one on one. but for fun, let's examine all the moves i've accumulated over the years

- set shot
the only thing i'm actually proud of. since i've shot hundreds maybe even thousands of uncontested shots in my driveway, i will always take an open shot if i get one and i think my FG% is pretty decent. i've beileve i have the right footwork and a good release.

- dribble once to the right, pull up jumper
unfortunately just about the only time i can pull this off with a decent FG% is at the beginning of a game when i still have my breath.

- from triple threat, pump fake/jab step, then drive hard to the right
too bad i can't even drive left

- from dribbling stance, quick jab step/head fake to the left, then drive hard to the right
too bad i can't even drive left

there you have it, my entire basketball repetoire. i dont' know how to post up. i can't crossover. i can't fadeaway. i can't lay up with my left hand. i can't drive & pass. i don't have the pump fake instinct. i've practiced these moves so many times in my driveway. i tried imagining i was a lightning quick as iverson and could cross anyone over. but in a real game if i try a crossover one of two things happen. 1. i lose my handle. or 2. i actually succeed in crossing over and maybe my defender is a bit off balance but i forget that i can't drive left and i end up going nowhere.

what's more, i don't know how to play proper defense. just about the only person i can actually stop from scoring is my girlfriend, or maybe danny. but anyone else, i can only play the penetration and hope they get cold on the jumper.

when i get into a pick up game with other people, it starts getting even uglier. i have absolutely no court sense. on offense, i just stand like an idiot on the perimeter and wait for the defense to sag, and hopefully someone will pass the ball to me and i can have my open set shot. if my defender plays me well than i am might as well not be on the court. a lot of times i try to move around to make myself look useful but more often than not i get in the way of my teammates trying to drive to the hoop.

i personally have never completed a back door cut, a pick and roll, or cutting to the basket on a double team for an easy basket. i see these moves all the time but something just isn't clicking in my brain. i have to accept the fact that i may die without ever pulling off one of these moves.

playing basketball at the higher level will always be an unachievable goal for me. it's like those people who took computer science but never really got programming. i guess they didn't start early enough, or they lacked certain brain cells for them to "get" it. i guess i regret it... cuz basketball looks like so much fun if played properly. people giving props left and right for a great pass or a great finish. i wish i could get those on a weekly basis.

today i received a call from michelle who wanted to refer me to a potential 3rd english student. i was more distrubed than anything else. disturbed because it seems everything that's rare and important in this world always seems to be handed to me on a silver platter by fate. rare and important = girlfriends and jobs. i can try for ages to get a girlfriend and yet the day i give up is the day when fate shoves a girl who likes me into my life and says "here". i can try for ages to find my dream job and yet the day i stop caring is the day when fate sends me an e-mail from the most unexpected source offering me a position for music work even though i have no professional experience.

i have aggressively pursued three girls in my life to the point where i confessed by love to them and in return for my courageous pro-activity i get three rejections.

i have aggressively pursued far more job openings and yet in return for my courageous pro-activity i got rejected for every one except lucent which turned out to be such a nightmare that i wished i never got the job in the 1st place.

the two girlfriends i have scored, the few jobs that i have actually enjoyed and grown from, were all obtained by simply sitting on my ass and waiting until the good news popped up. even when i realized they were within my reach, i took them non-chalantly without expectation.

i feel like there's some kind of intrinstic, dictating "flow" in the universe. it spits out jobs and girlfriends every few years and all i need to do is be in the right place to catch them. and yet if i become impatient and try to forcefully create opportunties when they don't exist i am met with abundant resistance and poor results. of course, doing absolutely nothing will generate nothing. and yet the only thing i have to do in order to plant the seeds of growth is to simply make friends. it seems the more genuine connections i have, the most fruitful my life becomes and the more opportunites fall from the sky. in way it feels like karma.

while i am worried that xpec will never call me back i sometimes can use this way of thinking to give myself relief. the outcome is no longer in my hands. i can force my way through by calling back aggressively or sending fake-ass "thank you" letters, but from my experience that will only push my desired objective further away from my reach. when the time comes, it comes. i must learn and absorb this way of thinknig deep into my psyche if i ever hope to be able to sleep well at night.

okay for those of you who fell for my stupid crush calculator test, this one's not a prank. seriously. go to
http://www.colorgenics.com and try the test. i was surprised at the accuracy of the results myself. so was the very hot chynadoll18.

here's my result:

Your mind is never at rest. You are continually striving to influence all those about you. You have some excellent ideas but you persist in trying to persuade others just how great your ideas really are. Maybe you are trying too hard. Take it easy - remember, 'Everything comes to those who wait'.

You are finding the present situation extremely demanding and you're having difficulty coping with it. A great deal of strain is involved and you would really like everyone and everything to leave you alone for a while, just so that you can put everything into perspective.

You are a demanding egocentric and therefore quick to take offense. This attitude makes people feel somewhat inadequate when in your company and so it is no wonder that at times you feel alone and unwanted.

You are being unduly influenced by the situation that is all around you. You do not like the feeling of loneliness and whatever it is that seems to separate you from others. You know that life can be wonderful and you are anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to live it to the full. You therefore resent any restriction or limitations that are being imposed on you and you insist on going it alone.

You are anxious about all the limitations to which you are subjected to at this time. You feel that you are not valued for what or who you are. You need OUT. So why procrastinate any longer - MOVE!

here's my girlfriend's result:

You are a very sensitive person and you try hard (perhaps a little too hard) to make favorable impressions and to be recognized by your peers. But you have that inherent need to feel appreciated and admired and you are easily hurt if all of your endeavors go by unappreciated or not acknowledged. Stop trying so hard.

You like the better things in life. You are sensuous and emotional. You are a follower of the Arts and you seek an environment that will give you the fulfilment to the senses that you need.

You need a friend - a close friend - and you are willing to become emotionally involved with the right person, but you are very demanding and particular in your choice of partners. You are constantly looking for reassurance and it is perhaps because of this that you tend to be somewhat argumentative, but you try to hold back - careful to avoid open conflict - since this might reduce your prospects of realizing your hopes of establishing a warm caring relationship.

You are feeling trapped by the situation as it stands at this time and what is more, you feel powerless to remedy it. You are stressful, angry and disgruntled. You feel that everything that you try to do to change the situation is thwarted and your hopes and aspirations all seem to be receding into the ever distant future. You have reached the state where you now doubt whether your dreams will ever be achieved and this is not only causing mental stress but heartache. You need to get away from it all - you need to have time to think, to recuperate, to be able to make your own decisions.

You are trying to build up your own position and you resist all external influences. You insist that you are your own person and you will not tolerate any outside interference. Decisive and proud, you are true managerial material.