linterry's blogger

i feel so miserable here. it's so fucked, really. i don't know how i used to love this place so much, and now i hate it with a passion. what's even more confounding is that i used to hate toronto so much, but now i love it. god i miss toronto so much. i hate this place

god i can't stand here in taiwan. it's so goddamn hot, filthy, and dirty.
why the hell did i come back again? oh right, cuz i have shit to clean up here.

i just miss my home so much. and i miss my parents. and for some stupid reason i want to play GOLF. arrrgggh. i can't stand this god-forsaken place!

i don't know, i think i'm gonna have to up the dose of paxil. well, we'll see how things go. but goddamnit i hate it here.

my boss from kaiser kastle called. she said she didn't want to lose me, so even if i move back to canada, she would like for me to do work from there. uhm. fuck. that's not good news actually. cuz i really don't want to take back any of this baggage with me. i would have liked to said no but she made it sound like i was so valuable how could i say no? "no boss, i would NOT like to have the opportunity to make easy money on a project that involves making music with no deadlines." geezus that sounds like a psycho. or someone who's hedonic treadmill is running in complete overdrive.

i hate complex tasks like, say, planning a move. see in toronto it's ok, i have a car, a phone, and i feel like i can maneuver around. but in taiwan it's like i'm goddamn locked up in my house, and anything just seems like a gargatuan effort to complete. combined that with the fact that i have no deadline. i'm just so goddamn psycho.

If one looks at the history and development of mankind, it's really does seem that it is nothing more than one long quest for dopamergenic satsifaction. And yet we are completely blind to our inherent homeostatic systems, sabotaging our every move.

You'd think that with all the collective brainpower and technology and intellect in the world, we'd be able to achieve some kind of brilliant utopia by now where everyone can live in peace, harmony and happiness. Yet despite all the advances in technology, medicare, social engineering; no matter how cheap clothes get, how fast you get from A to B, how good food tastes, how much memory your computer has, how fast your computer goes....

misery and depression will still be around.

And even if you had the most brilliant piece of technology, a "Reality simulator", where you could exert god-like control over your own external universe

misery and depression would still be around.

Not only are they still around, they are actually more prevalent than before. One of the greatest ironies of our society is that the harder we try to eliminate pain and suffering, the more it sneaks back on us through different ways. Did you know that mental health is generally worse in first-world countries than say struggling second world countries in Eastern Europe? Why is that? Shouldn't those rich bastards be satsified by now?

Everything in this world is accelerating. Alarmingly, we seem to be conentrating on accelerating the ways and means people can achieve gratification. If you drink Tim Hortons Ice Caps, you are guilty as charged. At least coffee is bitter.

so here i've arrived in taipei
miserable, polluted, humid, decreipt, Taipei

the only things that are keeping my spirits up are:

1. the new canon powershot a95 that i brought back with me from toronto can take movies and boy it is real fun taking movies

2. i've already decided that i will go back to toronto on a permanent basis within a month

yeah, no more taiwan i guess. i've pretty much gotten so sick of this place. now i suppose there's nothing stopping me from getting sick of toronto again. oh well.

you know what would be the most awesome thing? if, on the toronto to vancouver flight, i sat next to the most down to earth, wonderful looking girl, and we could talk and talk and simply connect. then i'd realize she's also transfering to taiwan and we could just talk and talk and then i would feel the spark between us and then i would feel young, energized, and alive again. yeah. except i know all too well that if that did happen, i'd just set myself up for disaster a few months down the line. yeah. that's fucking homeostasis for you

Homeostasis: the Sadistic Beast that lives in all of us

for the first time in my life, i believe there is a sort of God. but he is not a benevolent God as perhaps the Christians would believe, but a merciless, fucked up, sadistic son of a bitch. when people think of God they think of a person, but God is really not a living person per se, he is simply the Designer and Creator of All Living Things.

call me cynical, but after slowly absorbing the concept of homeostasis, and reviewing all the experiences in my life, it's all starting to make sense. all the absurdities in the world are slowly becoming clear and lucid. the root cause of really, all of our angst, anxiety, and depression, is deeply entrenched in the most Fatal Flaw of human beings: homeostasis.

life will always be akin to a "hedonic treadmill". tantalizingly dangling in front of us is the magic fruit called Happiness. behind us is a dark valley of Agony and Depression. everyday, we have to run to achieve happiness, and to simultaneously avoid emotional despair.

happiness <------ you running like an idiot <-------- despair

however, homeostasis is what makes this game pretty damn pointless. let's say you start running faster (ie you work harder to achieve your goals, or you buy something new, or you find a girlfriend and have good sex, play more golf, etc. etc.) and you achieve happiness. homeostasis, the motherfucking sadistic bitch that it is, makes sure that this pleasure is short-lived. it laughs at you, pushes a magic button, and SPEEDS up the treadmill. you are then sent back into the ambivalent area between happiness and despair again, except, you are running faster than you were before. basically, you're back to square one, except now it's a lot harder to achieve happiness again, and a lot easier to fall into despair.

i think you can understand where this is going. you could say "fine, i'm not playing this stupid game" and then stop running. but then the treadmill will just send you into despair. this is where homeostasis will briefly demonstrate a merciful, if not sadistic side. after you swim in despair for a while (and perhaps needing to take antidepressants to help you get out) he will SLOW down the treadmill, so that it is easier for you to experience pleasure again. you're back in the game, back at square one.

in other words, homeostasis constatnly adjusts the speed of the treadmill so that you will never experience long-lasting pleasure, and conversely for those who have sufficient willpower and don't overanalyze things, that you will not drown in despair for too long.

this works fine for controlling animals, who's only concern is survival, fucking, and eating. but humans have evolved to the point where we have higher intelligence, where we have the means to guarnatee survival and a "empreically good life", especially when compared to the animal world. so why do we still suffer as much, if not more, than animals in the wild? because of this old, outdated, primtiive, useless system called homeostasis.

the question you should ask yourself is: how fast is your treadmill? for those wealthy ones living in first-world countries, it can be pretty fucking fast. for some people it's so goddamn fast they simply cannot find any more ways to run any faster, and they eventually collapse. for those Starving Marvins in Africa, the treadmill is pretty fucking slow. I mean you just offer any of those kids a steak dinner and they will have a goddamn orgasm. try offering a steak dinner to a depressed billionaire - what do you think his reaction will be? probably, if he's real frustrated, he'll just toss the dish away.

what about Buddhism? i think real hard-core Buddhists have found some way of jumping off the treadmill. unfortunately for forsaking the treadmill, he all forsaked pleasure (and pain). that's not exactly a life to envy, unless your whole life is spent in despair.

just now i learned from my girlfriend that both our computers in taipei are now busted. one machine goes as far as the windows bootup screen but promptly freezes from there, the other one (mine) won't even POST, it just beeps incessantly. that's great. in other great news, for some reason my old celeron 300a PC has some kind of evil USB port that has already permanently trashed two CF card readers. thank god they come so cheap. but i'm still upset. three weeks ago i was upset about not being to sleep, i was upset about being alive, i was upset about a lot more serous things. now i'm just as distressed over ... nothing really. and now here i am resuming the same life pattern again, climbing the same fucking ladder, writing xanga at 3:42 am, feeling as empty and anxious as i have always been. oh, except now i have to take antidepressants. i wonder what going off those pills is going to do to me. yay terry.

witness the power of homeostasis. homeostasis guarantees some pretty nasty things

1. any accomplishment in life, no matter how supreme and grandoise, will eventually be turned to ashes. hence, life will be an eternal struggle to accomplish goals since permanent satsifaction through a realtively constant state isn't even realizaeable on a biological level.

2. trying to eliminate stress in your life only makes you more susceptible to stress until just about anything will cause you stress. hence, a "stress-free" life is pretty much an oxymoron. it's just a matter of time before it catches up to you. we cannot live without stress.

in Taiwan, people regularly commit suicide over breakups. some starving African struggles for his life becuase he can't find enough food. that's the power of homeostatis.

the only salvation for human beings to achieve a higher order existence is not through external means, for even the most blissful utopian heaven would still end up being perceived as torturous hell.

is it possible to live happily ever after?
go here: http://www.biopsychiatry.com/

what is the meaning of life?
go here: http://wireheading.com/hypermotivation.html

My new enemy: Homeostatsis - the formal term of the dy/dx "normalization" theory

"But if people were happy forever, they wouldn't be motivated to do anything!!":

from the hypermotivation site:
Uniform happiness is no more educative or illuminating than uniform despair. A wholly emotionally stable subject - and in theory an entire civilisation - could get "stuck in a rut", whether that "rut" is a slough of despond or a sub-optimal plateau of bliss. But learning and personal development based on gradients of well-being can be both educative and powerfully motivating. A life animated by gradients of well-being is also personally more soul-enriching than learning based on gradients of pain.

i have to confess than i am an utilitarian. that is, i value happiness over anything else. of course, we have all learned like 10 years ago, that you cannot pursue happiness directly or it will always elude you. so instead we pursue things in our external environment that we consciously or subconsciously believe will maximize happiness OR minimze pain. really when you think about, pretty much the whole world, including animals, is utilitarian. sometimes you just have to go a little deeper than the outlying motivation to discover it.

the problem with this, as i have learned from the Hedonist Imperative and a host of pharmcological related sites on the Internet, is that the brain has a negative-feedback mechanism that guarantees that even in the most ideal utopia, anyone will still end up bored and in angst. the problem is, in a nutshell, neuroadaption. we are simply not genetically built to enjoy life by simply being alive in a fixed state (no matter how positive). we must experience a fairly continuous stream of positive changes, not only with increasing speed but increasing acceleration in deepening levels of differentials, in order to sustain an overall feeling of just "feeling good". an prolonged absence of such a stream results, strangely, not in a euthymic state ("feeling ok") but instead in a state of boredom, angst, or anxiety. This "tolerance to pleasure" is most clearly illustrated by the need for drug-addicts to consume ever-increasing amounts of the drug to achieve the same effect. The only difference is the means, one is by direct neurochemical means, the other ("natural") is by our response to external stimuli.

This negative-feedback system is perhaps a leftover of our Darwinian ancenstors. Only the fittest survive. How do the fittest survive? By being more aggressive, determined, and neurotically active than everyone else. Who has time to sit down and meditate when somebody could bite your head off from behind at any second?

Unfortunately modern civilisation really doesn't need all of this genetic code anymore. Many people in first-world countries have enough technology and resources to enjoy a relaxed, peaceful life until their natural death. But unfortunately, most people aren't able to just shut off their own genetic programming and relax. They were genetically built to not relax, to continually seek out the next thing that will satisfy their genetic programming, as meaningless and trivial it may seem to our higher order logic system. In other words, we simply don't know what to do after we have guaranteed our survival, except to do things that further guarantee it to the point of redundancy (and peripheral harm, perhaps, to the environment and the slaves who support our economic system). This is why rates of consumption and production continue to escalate without end, even when it's logically clear that we have already produced enough. This is also why there is a sharp divison of wealth when in reality there really shouldn't be. Why do people throw away leftovers when others are starving in third-world countries? This is becuase of their genetic programming. When's the last time you saw a generous animal go out of his way to bring food to a stranger?

Said in another way it is possible that civilisation and technology has grown too quickly before humans could adapt, at least from an evolutionary standpoint. That is why we have all the seemingly pointless misery and suffering in the world. Some people are going to proclaim that without suffering, people would be completely unmotivated and just sit in a chair, consumed by their euphoric state for days without end. In fact, this couldn't be further from the truth. The ones who sit in a chair all day are, in fact, those who are suffering. People who face clinical depression tend to be completely counter-productive with regards to modern life. They quit thier jobs, they abandon or even hurt their loved ones, and most distressingly, some never recover or end up taking their own lives. Suffering, at least the very deep and profound type, really has no use. It is neither enlightentment nor salvation.

Personally, the most productive and enjoyable times in my life were in fact when I was happiest. Neurochemically stated, this was when my dopamine levels reached new peak levels. During those periods of time I did not just sit there and "enjoy" my euphoria. In fact, the opposite effect occurred. I would actively want to seek out new employment and contribute something to the world. I became friendly, helpful, and developed contacts with people. Unfortunately, the negative-feedback system in my brain ensured that unless I continued to accelerate the sources of happiness, this whole wonderful experience would eventually come crashing to a halt. Much like the "crash" after consumption of Schedule I drugs (cocaine, heroin, etc.), I was simply unable to sustain the elevated mood because it would require me to consume more and more to the point of self-destruction.

Some chosen quotes from the latest passages that I have read from the Hedonistic Imperative:

With this in mind, all I can say is that, most disappointingly, I have never been able introspectively to catch myself acting in one way rather than another when the thought of the rejected alternative was unequivocally more satisfying, or less unsatisfying, than the option chosen. Were this universally the case, then the biological program would be instrumentally rational.

this is how i feel too. everybody acts in according to things that make them feel good. in the case where someone rationally or morally objects to the thing that would (on a dopaminergic level) make them feel good (eg a "sinful" or "amoral" choice), then in reality the alternative, however unsatisfying or bitter, would actually make them feel better than the amoral choice. so in the end, people still only act in accordance to what makes them feel best, or what makes them feel the least unpleasant.

Everyone likes, if not only likes, the kind of experience which accompanies electrochemical excitations in the mesolimbic dopamine system, even though the idea of "electrochemical excitations in the mesolimbic dopamine system" is not one which is normally accompanied by any great mesolimbic pleasure (cf "the paradox of hedonism").

ie. we are slaves to the inner workings of our brain. we crave situations, places, or people that stimulate our dopmanine system. hence the success of products that specifically influence such areas.

If we were to discover an alien civilisation of ecstatics, would we try to introduce a bit of suffering into their lives to stiffen their moral fibre?

this is an interesting rebuttal i suppose to the idea that being happy is somehow at odds with morality - ie "feeling ectastic for no reason is a sin"

I encourage anyone out there to read The Hedonistic Imperative by David Pearce. Although it's ultimate goal is very hard to swallow and goes against a lot of conventional wisdom, it is simply a wonderful insight into humanity, happiness and suffering.

Some interesting tidbits

- serotonin: the "civilising neurotransmitter". to get high on serotonin, you take MDMDA ("Ecstasy"). Paxil (the SSRI antidepressant that I am on) enhances serotonin activity but avoids being addctive because there is no "instant high". when someone is high on serotonin, they feel relaxed, empahty, love, and goodwill towards all their fellow human beings. when someone is low on serotonin they feel anxious, restleness, and stressed. so now it doesn't seem like a coincidence that after starting paxil, i have improved my relationships with my parents.

- dopamine: the "motivation/pleasure/libido/desire transmitter". to get high on dopamine, you take cocaine, heroin, morphine. this is the area that gets stimulated when you're having sex or eating sinfully delicious food. it would seem that drugs that target the dopamine system have far more dangerous addiction potential that those that targe the serotonin system. also dopaminegic drugs are often labled as "selfish", whereas seratonegic drugs are often labled as "empathetic". people who are high on dopamine feel energetic, motivated, have a high sex drive and just downright feel awesome. being low on dopmaine is probably one of the worst human experiences available. more likely than not i have a totally whakced out dopamine system, which probably explains my hypersexuality, my indulgence and self-gratification tendencies and the ease at which i fall into depression.

- the negative feedback system. this is where the dy/dx theory, the normalization theory come into play. after a human experieces increased levels of serotonin or dopamine activity (whether drug induced or by "natural" means) it seems that thereafter there is a "Rebound" effect. this is why drugs that have a "quick hit" mechanism are dangerously addictive - thanks to the brain's negative feedback system, instead of feeling the same as before you took the drug, you feel a lot worse. i believe the same principle is in effect with beverages such as Tim Horton's Ice Cappucino - caffeine, fat and sugar all target the dopmaine and noradrenaline system giving the consumer a "quick hit" of pleaurse and satisfaction, but after it's over, you fall to a new low and the only way to restore the previous level of satisfaction is to go back and get another ice cap. i don't believe they are any different in nature, only in intensity. cocaine is often labeled as something inhernetly evil but i believe it's probably due to the intensity of the experience combined with the underying culture. apparently it is ok to chew the raw coca leaves from which pure cocaine is extracted.

courtesy of www.cocaine.org (which btw is a fascinating read, also check out The Hedonistic Imperative, an amazingly detailed argument about how our descendants will in fact be able to experience "Eternal bliss" through advanced psycho-active drugs)

having been on a fairly light mix of mood altering drugs this past month, and having experieced some terrible "Xanax withdrawal" symptoms, here is simply a fascinating article about addiction in general:

http://www.addictioninfo.org/content/articles/18/1/Deep-Craving

in partciular i really enjoyed this part:

---

According to clinical instructor in psychiatry Stephen Bergman '66, M.D. '73, "All addictions feed the ego, the self. The ego is insatiable. If you are into your ego, you can never get enough--not enough drugs, sex, money, alcohol, relationships, not enough anything. Enough, that is, to feel 'not bad.' Many of these people don't like it if they have to be in a room by themselves for a while. In 12-step programs, those who recover do it by asking for help. The connection has to change, from the self to a we. The only thing that helps is getting beyond yourself."

Shaffer's studies of compulsive gamblers may support Bergman's notion. "Gambling at slot machines seems to have more addictive potential than table games like cards, dice, or roulette," he says. "There's a lot of social ritual at the gaming tables, but fewer social controls available at the slot machines. Similarly with compulsive shopping: if you don't shop with other people, there are fewer social controls. The excessive shopper shops alone." Other isolated addicts come readily to mind--the solitary drinker, the solo food binges of the bulimic, the workaholic executive alone in the penthouse office at midnight. Connections with other people interrupt the addictive cycle; they redirect attention away from the self-reinforcing feedback of the addictive activity that can quickly escalate to excessive levels.

---

remember that old dy/dx theory? the idea that humans always, over time, normalize any situation into feeling "ok"? it's right there, in the article, between the lines. i think drugs reveal a lot about how humans deal with pleasure. the key is neuroadapation, something that is mentioned in that article. neuroadapation is why "happily ever after" is a myth. humans adapt to suffering and they adapt to pleasure just as well. this is why lives are always a rollercoaster of ups and downs. but yeah it seems the downs seem to outnumber the ups recently.

check this out (about tim horton's ice cap):

http://ruk.ca/article/307

it seems that if you want to sell a food product, it bodes well to lace it with

- fat
- caffeine
- sugar
- salt
- MSG
- speciality soya sauce

and then cover it up with an attractive name. 87mg of caffeine in a 10z serving. i just knew it. i told my girlfriend i could feel the effects of the caffeine almost immediately and she told me i was just imagining things. hah.

i'm glad i came back. it turns out i forgot to pack my porn cd collection. it actually has a sticker on the front that says PORN. if i had left my parents would have certainly found it and shit that would be embarassing. i can share porn with my friends but not with my dad. even on father's day. this father's day i actually got him a present and a card, which i haven't done in probably like 10 years. he said it was the best father's day ever.

anyways ever since my neighbour busted my basketball net i've been sort of craving to shoot some hoops. turns out there's a pretty nice court at rippleton near my house. i just went there for a bit. i think i'll shoot there everyday for about an hour. exercise really does feel good.

not only 24 hours after my girlfrined left (she should be arriving in taipei just about now), i have started to realize that being around her 365 days a year is not always a good thing. we're very close and there's pretty much zero distance between us emotionally, but sometmies that's not a very good thing. i've discovered that a bit of distance now and then, while painful, is a good thing. not having a girl around is a huge motivating factor to get my act together and not be so childish. having a girl around all the time just makes me lazy and apathetic.

i should be on a plane to vancouver, but instead i'm back home. to make a long story short, i initially couldn't get the ticket changed. so i told myself not to be such a chickenshit, mustered up the courage and made it as far as boarding, but then panic started to overcome me. it was the same old shit again. accelerated heartbeat, hyperventilation, feeling of impending doom - but above all was this kind of intense fear of the unknown. i tried to block out these negative thoughts but all i could think of was the excruicating pain of enduring a 20+ hour flight while chowing down on Xanax to keep myself from freaking out.

10 minutes before final call, i tell the check-in guy that i can't board the plane, and he calls some guys to get my luggage out. my girlfriend checks in, and it's a fairly unemotional goodbye (strange) and my parents come back and pick me up. they were very happy that i did not leave but i'm fairly disappointed in myself that i have still not recovered enough to the point where i can do what normal people can do - ie board a goddamn fucking plane. forutnately for only $60 i was able to postpone my flight until the 27th.

i suppose the #1 concern is what the hell will 9 days do. but i know myself all too well. 9 days without my girlfriend and my dick will get very upset and start to take over. well i hope that's what happens. it's funny how sometimes i see myself in the 3rd person. it's like there's some kind of inner ego operating beneath the surface that i cannot really control excepty by sly manipulation.

but in almost a sad, tragic sense, i look forward to 9 days alone in toronto again. because in a way, that's like returning to my roots. i'm going to go to marche at 1am all alone and eat all alone like i used to. i'm going to the food court all alone for lunch and eat all alone like i used to. and hopefully, i will find my old self again. or maybe i'm still hooked on "New".

my trip to toronto has finally come to an end. thankfully, my sleep has returned to normal over the last few days. i don't know whether it was the paxil 20mg/day or whether it was being back home or just simply time, but somehow somewhere i was able to sleep again.

in less than 6 hours i will have to board a plane for taiwan. let's just say that I'm nothing less than terrified of going back there. it's almost ironic that 4 years ago, i would be excited as hell about leaving toronto and going someplace new. i guess it's just about not staying in the same place for too long. i've always wondered why i like taiwan so much, and i guess it's not so much the place itself - as it is something different.

but god how much i missed all those places i used to frequent in toronto. bayview village, fairview mall, swiss chalet, memories of japan, quizno's, kenny's noodle, and of course MARCHE (well it's now called richtree but i will always call it marche). going to each of these places just triggered so many old memories. and it was so nice to be at home and have my parents around, pampering me as usual with all the best foods and fruits.

the only lesson that i have learned from this whole episode in life is there is no such thing as the ideal life. no matter how "good" life gets, it's just a matter of time before there will be something to be unhappy about. i'm the perfect poster boy for this. if there is nothing concrete to be unhappy about then the mind will create something abstract to be unhappy about. this is simply the way humans are programmed to be. pain and suffering are unavoidable. either life hands you the pain or you'll end up making it up for yourself. there is no road to eternal happiness. happiness and pain seem to go hand in hand. the years and years of loneliness in toronto set up the 3-year orgy fest in taiwan. and the 3-year orgy fest in tawian set up a full month of anxiety disorders, depression and suicidal idealation. the full month of anxiety disorder, depression, and suicidal idealation set up a week of relief and relaxation in toronto. happiness and pain go hand in hand - generally it seems one follows the other. but not always.

that's the thing with life. the moment you think you have it figured out, it throws you a f*cking curveball. maybe trying to be smart was a dumb idea.

i don't get it. there is NOTHING to complain about. i'm taking anti-depressants. so why do i still feel so goddamn lousy? most recently, apathy has overcome me. i basically don't want to do anything except lie around the house with my girlfriend and find comfortable places to eat for lunch and dinner. along with the apathy, i also suffer from an inability to make decisions. even the smallest decisions like what the hell i should wear today is like a 50kg weight on my shoulders. i only noticed recently that i've only worn two different t-shirts in the last week. i also seem totally disinterested in purchasing material goods. the thought of adding another article of clothing to my possessions just irritates the hell out of me.

i really don't want to go back to taiwan anymore. at the same time i'm not exactly thrilled at the prospect of staying in toronto without my girlfriend and having absolutely nothing to do. i can't even discuss this with my parents. everytime i see them i just don't want to talk to them or even look them in the eye. all i do is just whine and whine and complain and complain to my girlfriend, who probably must be fed up by now, but because she read a book on how to deal with depressed people she's raised her tolerance level to artifically high levels.

one thing that completely annoys me is how my girlfriend is so adept at thinking of other people. like out of the blue, she will suddenly say "hey, i'm going to buy something for my students" and then spend like a whole stinkin hour looking for an appropriate gift. i don't know why i can never do things like that. i guess i'm just too used to living for myself and nobody else. and that's unhealthy. but holy jesus it is so unnatural and so strange to go out of my way to do something for someone else - it's like gathernig enough guts to ask a girl out on a date.

even though i seem normal i think i am still depressed in many ways. just the thought of having to deal with life just seems like a huge goddamn burden that I am no longer able to deal with. i can still laugh and joke around on occasion but that's just icing on a very rotten cake.

i just caught larry king live on cnn where they did a segment on clinical depression. they said that depression, or at least the bipolar form, can be hereditary. sometimes i feel that it's not a coincidence that my dad and i both suffer from insomnia and depression when there's no real external cause to feel that way. i mean on paper, we really have nothing to complain about, especially when compared to other people. but i guess this is the key, that perhaps depression is really some kind of illness, some kind of internal chemical imbalance - as opposed to simply feeling upset or down about some external condition. the problem is of course distinguishing between the two. i think the most telling tale of depression is suicidal idealation- the simple thought that "if i could just end my life right now, everything would be better". i can't remember how many times i have felt that why but it must have been in the hundreds, over relatively trite situations that normal people would manage to get through without thinking about suicide. but just recently my girlfriend tested me and asked me whether i would rather just die now or suffer another two years of insomnia, i picked another two years of insomnia. i guess that means the paxil's working. of course we must also entertain the possibility that "depressed" people are just losers who blow their own troubles out of proportion. well, call be biased but i don't buy that. if someone idealizes about suicide, that pretty much tells it all.

yesterday i went to the art gallery of ontario with my girlfriend. for some reason midway throughout the visit i almost felt like i was going to have another panic attack. shortness of breath, feeling of impending doom, yadadayadayada... the same business again. perhaps it was because i paid $16 and we got to see like 10 paintings and a bunch of lousy sculptures by a dude named Henry Moore. i don't know how to explain it, but the whole atmosphere of the a.g.o. just reinforced the notion that life would be better off terminated than continued.

i took 0.5mg of ativan last night and still only had fitful sleep. i must have switched beds around 6 or 7 times, i already lost count. and then sometime around 3 or 4am i actually fall alseep for like 3 hours. then when morning comes around i try to continue my sleep and all i get is a bunch of bad dreams, mostly about the past. for some reason when i dream of things that used to make me happy, like say playing world of warcraft at 5am in the morning with my girlfriend, that only serves to agonize me further. i wake up, half-terrorized, about nothing in particular.

yesterday i went to aunt maggie's house, whose kids i used to tutor for over 3 years. we talked and they said they couldn't imagine i would be the overly pessimistic, negative, self-destructive type. they also said i looked healthy and normal. well, i sure felt healthy and normal, when i visited them. last night i even managed some kind of fitful sleep without the help of ativan. but there are times, and i don't know why, where a massive depression truck just slams right into me and i just have to lie down and endure a dull, repetitive agony - and there seems to be no logical explanation for it. by all means, on a rational, emperical level, there is nothing to complain about in my life. but maybe it's just my brain chemistry, or something about the way i percieve the world around me - i seem to make life unnecessarily complicated and depressing without any reason to.

today i went with my girlfriend for lunch at kenny noodle's. then we went to wal-mart at agincourt mall because she saw that episode of south park with wal-mart and she was curious what it was really like. when we went inside i could not help but feel sad and helpless as i was surrounded by countless products marked down to super low prices. we then went into the decaying agincourt mall and she found a japanese novel at a decaying discount bookstore for only a dollar.

life on paxil is strange. the endless negative thoughts that kept assaulting my mind without mercy and left me just wanting to die have at least been kept under control. instead it has been replaced by a very dull depression and hopelessness. i don't know why i feel this way. perhaps i am simply lamenting the fact that i can no longer sleep without a healthy dose of benzos. or perhaps this is something that is far more complex that i can fathom. but certainly something inside of my mind and body has broken and down and i am just a mere shadow of my former self. not that my former self was anything to be extremely proud of. but at least i could sleep and at least i did not feel this down.

maybe on a certain level it is genetic. my father suffers almost the exact same condition as i do. he has been on benzos (ativan) for almost 20 some years now. he can't sleep without them, and even with 3mg a night it takes him hours to sleep. i suppose depression runs in the family - i'm not really sure.

i'm going to see the doctor tonight and i hope i get more sleeping pills because without them i don't think i can make it through the night. i don't really trust doctors but what can you do.

i think my condition is improving day by day, and that is largely thanks to paxil. for those of you who don't know, paxil is an SSRI anti-depressant that increases seratonin activity in the brain. it is generally prescribed for those facing depression and generalized anxiety disorder.

last night i took 1mg of ativan and another 2mg of eurodin to force myself to sleep. it worked really well and i at least got 8 hours of deep sleep. i don't think i'm over my strange phobia of being awake alone at night.

i had lunch today at metropolitan hotel with my dad and mom and one of our family friends. i noticed that midway through a feeling of "comfort" and "peace" washed over me. usually my mind is endlessly spinning with thoughts left and right. but today the thoughts just sorta stayed put. i then went for a walk with my girlfriend along harbourfront and then had an afternoon snack at marche. aftewards we took the subway home. it was such a nostalgic feeling. i remember staring at the ttc map on the subway and seeing all those locations that all had so much meaning and history to me.

although the panic attacks have subsided i am still left with a strange type of insomnia. even with benzos (sleeping pills), I can only manage 3 or 4 hours tops of continuous sleep, and I always seem to wake up in terror of the unknown. i am not even sure of my own biological clock anymore. it seems every day at around noon i get super sleepy and my body feels like it's going to collapse from exhaustion but everyday i somehow make it through and when nighttime rolls around i seem to awaken briefly.

you know that feeling when you wake up and you're still feeling groggy but you know... somehow, that "it's the next day"? well i haven't felt that way for over a month now. i don't seem to have any kind of cycle anymore. it's very scary and i hope it fixes itself soon. i'm so tired but i can't even sleep. it's such a god awful feeling, it makes it impossilbe to enjoy even the simplest things in life.

i'm back in toronto for the next 3 weeks. the hell has been continuing but I think i'm making a slow recovery. I'm on paxil 20mg/day and also ativan 1.5mg/day to keep my anxiety and panic attacks under control. The other huge issue is sleep - i have not been able to sleep for more than 6 hours at a time this last month. I have more often than not woken up 5 minutes after falling sleep in complete terror of the unknown.

Today I'm feeling the best out of the best so far.

But I am still terrified of being alone at night, when everyone else around me is alseep. that's when i usually pop another ativan to calm my jangling nerves. Otherwise I've found that during the day, as long as I am with other people, I can enjoy myself to a certain degree.

I pray that I can make a gradual recovery and no longer have to let my parents watch me suffer. I used to fight the benzos (ativan) becuase I sure as hell didn't want to get addicted to the sleeping pills. But now this is a reality that I have to accept. Hopefully the Paxil can lessen the dependency on the pills.

there is so much to life but when the checmical balances in your brain are fucked up, it's hard to see it.