linterry's blogger

I just had the strangest sex this morning. It was so different than "the usual"... everything had like five times more meaning... more passion... it was like all the tension exploded in one act. And I feel so much better!

I had a strange dream this morning... two to be exact:

1. my girlfriend passed away and i woke up in shock and in tears
2. my girlfriend vanished from my life and I went crazy looking for her

Is this some kind of premonition?

I've completely lost interest in porn. It's been ... two weeks (!!!) since I last jacked off... and I thought it would be a good way to relax this morning. But... can you believe it... as I cycled through various clips on my HD... I felt they were all disugsting. It seems that I stopped watching porn and eating like a pig ever since I fell in love with her. Something for psychologists to reflect on maybe?

In contrast, my interest in music has quadrupled. Music seem to move me in new ways that I cannot even begin to describe. But that's no big surprise, I suppose.

Indeed, my interest in this girl seems to be purely romantic. Whenever I think about her, most of the situations that come up are "date-like" - chilling in the car, or going skating together, that sort of thing. Not that there isn't any sexual attraction, yesterday I "accidentally" caught a glimpse of her cleavage, and let's just saw she's fairly well endowed for a Japanese girl. But by and large, she's the kind of girl I'd like to know everything about. I've never been interested in the whole 'fuck'em and dump'em' thing anyhow. I can't even begin to understand how that can actually feel satsifying.

It's begun.

I just came back from an unforgettable day - a day that brought back so many memories of being young and in love again. And now there's no doubt in my mind: the girl likes me. I can't explain exactly how I know. But I know - just like how I knew my current gf liked me before she admitted it. You get the vibe from the body language, the "oh you naughty boy" slap on the hands, the way they pay extra attention to you... and strange phone calls.

After we went our separate ways, I received a surprising phone call - from her. She called just to say "thank you so much for today, i had so much fun." Maybe I'm just overanalyzing... but the phone call was awkward and strange and there's no doubt in my mind that she must have been thinking about me right after we parted ways (much like how I was thinking of her). Thank me for what? I didn't pay for anything but my own meal, I didn't drive anybody - I should be thanking them, quite honestly, for making today such a great experience.

Combine that with the fact that I've caught her numerous times looking at me.. not just today but in class... and the countless subtle hints she's dropped... it all adds up. As an added bonus, it turns out my cell phone msg from a few days ago probably never arrived because I never knew SkyMail was Vodafone-only. Thank god for that... that was one msg I wanted to really take back - it was written when I was smitten and it definitely would have ruined a lot of the uncertainty on her side. I know Wikipedia insists that limerent people tend to look too deeply for things... but let's just say I somehow know I'm right. I'm a pessimist, a cynic, and one hell of an experienced infatuator. I already lost track of how many times this has happened to me.

The only blemish on this perfect situation: she somehow found out I live with my girlfriend. Apparently the owner told her that... and I have no idea why, unless she asked him directly. That was the last thing I wanted her to know. But I've been through infatuations, and I know how even facts like these won't stop someone from falling in love. In fact, for some people it's even a bigger turn-on because they often become obsessed with things they cannot have.

I am trying to see this whole limerent experience in a postiive light - I suppose I can just focus on the painful suffering when I long to see her again... or I can focus on making plans so that the five of us can go out again and have fun. And there's no rush to get to the destination - because if we ever get there, it must end. There's no way I can be seriously invovled with two girls at once. I hope to stretch this "drama" and milk it for all the wonderful experiences it can provide. After all, in almost every love story, once the couple gets together... there's nothing more to tell.

I woke up this morning feeling this slight ache in the chest. Only a couple of hours before I see her again... yet... something doesn't feel right.

Feeling groggy, I fire up the mp3s and all of a sudden Utada Hikaru's Deep River comes on. I almost broke into tears from the emotional afurueru (overflow), no small thanks to my recent emotional sensitivity. This is the song that always reminds me so much of my early days in Taiwan - waking up to the sun in my room at Guo Qing Residence, feeling like a new life has begun, seeing my new girlfriend in class and then spending the rest of the day exploring a brand new world. No time in my life will ever compare to that period.

Perhaps my mind is somehow seeking to recreate a similiar situation by using this one girl as the means?

It's madness.

Today, before my JTA lesson, I visited one of my students at the airport. She's a part-time worker at a bakery shop. She looked so happy so see me and gave me a full bag of free pastry. She's really cute, yet the full bag could not have meant much because I practically gave it all to my gf and her family. Had this bag been from "her", I would have slowly savored each individual piece like it was some kind of trophy.

The more time passes, the more I am convinced that limerence is nothing short of madness. Unlike love, which is something I probably experience with my gf, limerence is by and large a great deal of suffering and very little pleasure. Yet at the same time, a part of me doesn't want these feelings to end. The emotional coefficient in life seems to multiply in a state of limerence. I feel so damn young again.

I'll be frank: after spending four long years together, the romance between my gf and I has pretty much evaporated. I mean, I guess it's still there, but it's like a peaceful candle, burning silently in the night. There is more genuine concern for each other's welfare - perhaps that is what you call love. It's just a nice, simple candle.

With this girl however, it's like the whole Amazon Forest is on fucking fire 24 hours a day. And even though I try my best to chill out and douse some of the flames... it just keeps spreading and spreading endlessly. It's not love, it's not even romance, it's just some kind of biological condition. From an evolutionary standpoint, it's probably just a brute-force way of getting me to plant seeds in many girls, even if I don't want to on a conscious level.

Physically, I have also noticed several changes. My appetite has decreased drastically. I used to be a glutton and fuss endlessly about what to eat... but now I couldn't care less about lunch or dinner. In fact, two days ago I got by the whole day with two slices of bread and a tiny salad. I don't care for coffee anymore. I also have no problems waking up early in the morning. It's almost as if this limerent state is channeling power and energy to my whole soul and body - I feel so energzied, so alive, so full of vitality. Yet at the same time, I am tortured by doubt and uncertainity.

I leave you now with a video of one of my favorite Muse tracks 'Hysteria'. The lyrics (which I normally don't give a crap about) perfectly describe my ailment:



it's bugging me, grating me
and twisting me around
yeah i'm endlessly caving in
and turning inside out

'cause i want it now
i want it now
give me your heart and your soul
and i'm breaking out
i'm breaking out
last chance to lose control

its holding me, morphing me
and forcing me to strive
to be endlessly cold within
and dreaming i'm alive

'cause i want it now
i want it now
give me your heart and your soul
i'm not breaking down
i'm breaking out
last chance to lose control

and i want you now
i want you now
i'll feel my heart implode
i'm breaking out
escaping now
feeling my faith erode

Finally.. some relief.

After a wonderful afternoon with my gf at a seaside cafe and some hot sweaty sex afterwards... I feel a lot more normal. I don't think I've completely undone the effects of the limerent reaction... but it's far less intense than it was this morning. It's probably somewhere around last Sunday... which is a lot more manageable.

Something that I find disturbing is that my infatuation is not truly objective. I care less about the girl herself than I care about my illogical feelings and getting them reciprocated. It could have been anybody... anybody that my subconscious picked that Saturday morning could now be the object of desire. The fact that it's this particular person means absolutely nothing. Yeah she's nice, but there are so many other nice girls that I like in my classes. Why her? Only my subconscious knows... and it's not going to tell me why.

One positive side effect of this ailment: I'm living life with a new sense of energy and hope. I've given some awesome lessons this week, particuarily today and yesterday... and I had the entire class laughing and totally engaged. I sometimes feel, standing in front of so many people... yet acting so cool and natural... I feel like I've become someone else. Even my girlfriend remakred yesterday that everything about me seems to have changed.. my demeanor, my attitude, the way I walk. Teaching is such a wonderful job in the sense that is continually feeds your sense of worth.

I think another few days of non-contact and I shoudl be out of the blue. Unfortunately... I will be seeing her again on Sunday when we go out for lunch at a seaside cafe and check out BB-Beach for the upcoming beach party. There will be three other people with us. I must endeavor to not let my feelings run amok again and restart the limerent reaction.

I had another dream about her last night... which pretty much brings the "limerence level" to even higher peaks. In fact, this morning, I could not get back to sleep after I woke up at 9:00am... because my head was literally swarming with thoughts of how to get in touch with her, even though I keep telling myself to just keep cool.

The owner calls me at 10:30am and tells me I have to fill in for David's classes because her wife is having a baby today. Last week, this news would have made me seriously upset because I'm usually dead tired by Friday... but this week is a whole new story. I eagerly accepeted - in the faint hopes that she would come at night. Of course...she explicitly said she couldn't come for the rest of week, but of course, in my current state, I'll cling on to even the faintest of hopes.

Then I start scheming - the owner actually told me to call her yesterday about a new advanced class, but somehow I felt it wasn't the right time. Well, today I just had to get in touch with her, one way or another. I decided that I'd call her today, at noon, and ask on the side whether she'd be coming tonight. The conversation went something like this:

"Hi, this is Terry from English garden"
"Oh Terry?!?! Hi!"
"Hi. Is this a good time?"
"Terry, sorry, I'm driving right now!"
"That's ok, just call me back"
"No wait... it's ok I stopped the car"
"(chuckles) ok... well the owner is interested in making a new advanced class..."

[discussion about the advanced class edited for brevity]

"Ok, thanks. By the way, are you coming to class tonight?"
"Ahh.. no... sorry I can't. I have plans for tonight."
"Ok"
"Wait, are you teaching tonight?"
"Yeah, David's wife got pregnant so I have to teach all day"
"Ahh, ok... un... ganbare ne! See you!"

Afterwards I felt really crummy - feeling like I've gone crazy to be calling this one student in the middle of the day... but then I thought about how she stopped her car so quickly and that made me smile. Then I remembered something I read in that limerence article:

• What the limerent object said and did is recalled with vividness. Alternative meanings of those behaviors are searched out. Each word and gesture is permanently available for review, especially those which can be interpreted as evidence in favor of "return of feeling." When objects, people, places or situations are encountered with the limerent object, they are vividly remembered

... and then I thought I was just crazy again. Well, at least I made a concerted effort to sound indfiferent... that is... to not ask about her plans or why she couldn't come or tell her that real reason I'm calling is so I can get in the car with her and spend a surreal hour at Senaga-jima.

If only these feelings weren't so unbearably intense!!!

It's getting worse. Today after class I caught myself checking the parking lot "just in case" she would somehow... magically be waiting there, even though she explicitly said yesterday she wouldn't be able to come for the rest of the week. There is no logic in romance - just fantasies and impulses.

I can't believe how quickly she turned from "just another girl out of 40" to practically everything in life. In fact I didn't even give a crap about her before last Saturday. But one simple dream is all it took to start the limerent reaction and crystallize her. Now it's just impossible to dislodge.

She didn't reply to my tiny cell msg, which left me checking the cell phone impulsively about... 12 times today. If this was happening before last Saturday, I wouldn't even care. But it's way after Saturday, so I care a LOT.

And because she didn't reply to my cell msg, now my interest in her has piqued to a new level. I often feel that if she had replied back with a "i had a lot of fun too. are you free on friday?" - I wouldn't have bothered checking the parking lot today. Uncertainty is the fuel of infatuation. Reciprocation stalls it, and over-reciprocation extinguishes it.

"If reciprocation is perceived, the degree of involvement ceases to rise, until uncertainty returns"

So fascinating and heart-wrenching at the same time.... if indeed she has any degree of interest in me, then the right thing to do is to create uncertainty by pretending to be how I was before last Saturday: ie completely disinterested. Unfortuatnely, since I'm genuinely interested and very impulsive, that might prove to be impossible.

Before even thinking along those lines... I should ask myself... is she really interested in me? Well I believe so, since she:

• originally invited me to BB Beach (this was when I was completely disinterested)
• so eagerly let me in her car
• proactively offered me a ride home on Monday
• let me drive her car without a single hesitation.
• told me that she had a great time after the drive was over

But perhaps I am just doing this?

The inclination is to sift through nuances of speech and subtleties of behavior for evidence of limerent hope. "Little things" are noticed and endlessly analyzed for meaning. The belief that the limerent object does not and will not reciprocate can only come about with great difficulty

LOL. Wikipedia has me all figured out.

Funny thing is... this is exactly how my girlfriend fell in love with me. Before we hooked up, she confessed that she had some kind of an erotic dream about me, which started the limerent reaction. She often told me that when we were dating, she was always unsure about how I felt about her. More precisely I was actually interested in another girl at the time, and I suppose that's why she felt so unsure. Because she was unsure, she fell madly in love with me. In other words, my genuine indifference was a key factor in getting her to fall head over heels for me. Makes no sense, but I guess that's how the world works.

Limerence

Woke up at 5:30am just now with a pounding headache. Colds suck.

The good side is, I just found the best article on the web, bar none, that will explain romantic infatuation to a newfound level of precision. It gives it a rather cold, honest scientific view which I found extremely appealing - and even gives it a new term: "Limerence." In any case it's far better than any of those "Doc Love" articles you'll find littered across the net.

To be honest "limerence" almost sounds like a disease, but then again I don't suppose that's too far from the truth. Take a look at the symptoms: intrusive thinking, acute longing for reciprication, fear of rejection.... you'd almost expect a doctor's signature somewhere down the list.

The most enlightening statement is that limerence (ie infatuation) will only intensify under uncertainity and doubt - in other words, you will only go mad over a person if you are not sure if they really like you or not. Limerence only blossoms to feverish peaks if there is a certain balance of hope and uncertainty. I reflected on this and it seems to be absolutely true. This gives all the rhyme and reason behind the "playing hard to get" philosphy. Another term might be "Carrot on a stick".

However I don't think limerence is strictly related to members of the opposite sex. There are other limerent objects - namely, coveted purples in WoW, which seem to have many limerent properties. Obviously nobody really expects to get "reciprocation" from a computerized item - but many of the stages, including "crystallization" (viewing the limerent object of desire in an illogically positive light) seem to occur. The article on Crystallization is also a great read and is a key componenet of the process called the limerent reaction.

I feel the article has applications that stretch far beyond romantic love - in fact it is a full analysis of the pathology of human desire - how humans seems to become obsessed with certain things that they can and cannot obtain at the same time. It's all about the balance between hope and uncertainty, I think.

I'm in love. And I really mean it.

Well, what else could I expect? I mean, you throw like 40 random young Japanese girls at me week after week, and it's just statistically bound to happen sooner or later. Even though I consciously tried to avoid any "extra-curricular" contact with any of my students - it still happened.

You could say that I always had "some" feelings for a few of my students from day one... but they were always kept in moderation. I could always joke about it lightheartedly with the owner - strictly in the "just for fun" zone. Then, last Saturday morning, it got serious real quick. Out of nowhere, I had a romantic dream about one of my students. And that was it... that's all it took to catalyse the chain reaction. All of a sudden, I lay awake at 9:30am on a Saturday morning, my mind completely swarmed with thoughts of her... and there was nothing I could do to get rid of them. Completely illogical.

I thought of it like a sickness. I thought it would just disappear. But like a tumor, it seemed to grow and multiply and within a day, it started to dominate my daytime thoughts. How ridiculous, I thought to myself, that a simple dream could propel myself into such a distressed state, and keep me there to boot. Did I crave another romantic relationship so much that a dream was all it took for me to fall completely in love with another person?

You might be wondering, who is this person? I know you're probably very curious but for the sake of my own protection - I can't describe preicsely who she is, in the odd chance that one of my students looks up my name in Google and finds this site. Let's just say that she's not one of the "super-hot" girls I mentioned before. But she's pretty enough, honest, and very down-to-earth. I even went as far as checking out her profile in our records, and we're very astrologically compatible. Yes I still believe in that shit, even though science and rationality keeps poiniting the other way.

If my whole perspective on this infatuation seems pretty negative, that's because it really is. I have often said before that I feel like I'm divided in two... part one is my rational, conscious self, part two is the rampaging inner child that always seems to be lonely, hungry, and bored no matter how much entertainment I feed it. A situation like this causes extreme conflict between both sides... the rational side wants to end this whole episode as quickly as possible and get back to the status quo... the inner child side is fantasizing furiously about illogical romantic escapades with this person.

The way I see it, there's only two things I can do: 1. pursue this infatuation and give it a direct resolution, at the cost of destroying all the stable things in my life.. or 2. fight it like a madman, at the expense of my own sanity. Neither route seems very pleasant, does it? Somehow, I think I'll just end up going the middle ground - kind of pursue it, but not too actively. As long as she doesn't make any big moves, then I think I'll be fine... these feelings with somehow resolve themselves over time like they always do. But if she does make some kind of a move, I think I'm seriously fucked.

Oh well, at least I can enjoy sappy love music ten times as much as before.

I never knew you could experience China's net censorship first hand... try this simple experiment:

Search google.com for "tiananmen square" (results link for lazy asses)
Search google.cn for "天安門" (results link for lazy asses)

Whoh...

Even though the last video I posted (Clell Tickle: Indie Marketing Guru) was very funny, I also thought it was very thought-provoking, because it exaggerates something that many people are doing nowadays: viral marketing through various avenues on the Internet like blogging and youtube.

This reminded me of a term I heard about sometime ago: meme. If you are not familiar with the term (as I was about 30 minutes ago), I recommend reading this site for an introduction. The concept is simply fascinating. Human ideas, or memes, compete for survival and only the best ones have a chance of proprogation. They also mutate and evolve, just like human genes/DNA. I think the theory has a lot of practical uses because it can change the way we look at cultural phenomena... why certain concepts, opinions, music etc... seem to catch fire and spread like a virus, and why others just simply die within a few moments after birth.

Some memes that I have collected from my everyday surfing of the net or observations of the world:

• Trans Fat is bad for you (packaging of snacks in Canada)
• Solid State Amps will never sound as warm as Tube Amps (forums)
• Muse is goddamn awesome (youtube majority comments)
• Beautiful girls have questionable personalities (Japan Today: busu-boom)
• Rogues are the worst class in WoW (worldofwarcraft forums)

Some memes that I may have accidentally proprogated without even being aware of it

• Okinawa is a very nice place to live
• Japanese girls are pretty, old-fashioned and make good wives
• The concept of homeostasis: you will never be satsfied with life because that's how your brain works internally on a cellular level
• The concept of meme itself

The concept of the meme is now more important that even, I think, because of two Internet phenomena: blogging and youtube. They make propogating memes extremely fast, easy, and accessible to just about anyone. Youtube in particular has become nothing short of a festering, pulsating hub for countless memes - especially with the ability for anybody to post comments and the "Featured videos" section.

Pretty funny shit.

It's Friday night and I'm tired as hell.

I originally planned to go to Bikkuri Donkey in Shintoshi for dinner. At least, that's what I thought on Thursday night, gleefully anticipating the weekend when I finally have nothing to do the whole day. But I had to fill in for two extra classes today (another teacher's wife got pregnant), and after the kids class at 5pm, I was just too tired to do anything but go home and mope around. I ended up having a lousy dinner at KFC.

Sometime during this week, I think I hurt my throat in some way or another. It started tickling and getting irritated at the oddest times and I had to drink gobs of water just to keep it in check.

I don't think I can keep this up forever. Sure, it's a great job - I always get a high when a bunch of young, pretty chicks give me their full attention... but it's so tiring, especially when I compare it to what I did before: absolutely nothing. That, and the fact that the pay isn't so great. I mean, I can't expect too much by only teaching about 3.5 hours a day on average, but that statistic is really misleading... as there's always the transportation time, the preparation time, and the "after class" chatting (which once lasted a whole hour!) - time which I get paid nothing for. However, getting paid only for class time is the norm in the ESL world, so I really shouldn't be bitching about anything, since there are many other schools out there with far worse working conditions. To be honest, I doubt there's even a school in all of Asia with better working conditions than mine, English Garden. I really don't see how it could get any better, aside from the owner going nuts and tripling the pay.

Still, when all the highs settle down, I sometimes stare at the ceiling and think... how the hell is this job gonna get me to the proverbial "Anywhere" in life? When I'm 40 am I still going to teaching stuff like "How's it going" and "Where are you from" to the next generation of giddy Japanese girls? At the current rate of Americanization they'll probably all be ultra-fashionable career-oriented feminists... ugh, no thanks! I've already got a few of those in some of my classes and I can't stand them a single bit. Just like KFC chicken, I like the original recipe best: traditional and old-fashioned.

I also pondered an amazing statistic - I haven't paid taxes for the last .... 10 years or something. I can't recall every having to deal with QuickTax or filing T1 or T2 forms or anything of the sort. Even though I worked three years in Taiwan (illegally) and almost half a year now in Japan (semi-illegally), I have yet to give a single penny to any government. Maybe you're thinking... well gee, what's so bad about that... well, I'm not entitled to any benefits whatsoever and I sure as hell have nothing planned for my future home, family, or retirement. What's even sadder, when I think about my all the work I accomplished in Taiwan... it pretty much adds up to nothing. I have practically no leftover money after going psycho last year, and since I'll never go back there to live again, any connections or good impressions I made there are basically worthless to me.

It's almost a relief to see that practically everyone in Okinawa makes a (relatively) dismal salary and the majority are stuck with average jobs like teacher, nurse, cashier, mechanic, etc. etc. even at the age of twenty something. Funny thing is, I doubt any of them are bitching because that's the norm around here. In North America it seems the standard is pretty damn high - unless you're making more than 100k a year bossing people around in a huge global corporation, you're just simply "not there yet". I hate to admit it but having grown up in Canada, I feel the same way too. Everything I'm doing is in the world of transicence - it's meant to be only temporary. The permanent life is still far, far, away.

Tab of the Day: 1979 by Smashing Pumpkins Intro

eb----------------------------------------------
Bb----------------------------------------------
Gb-88888/9/4444444------------------------------
Db-xxxxx-x-xxxxxxx-6b-6-4-2-4-6-999------------- x5
Ab-66666/7/2222222-0--0-0-0-0-0-000-------------
Eb-000000000000000------------------------------

Mild gain/overdrive with delay

I wouldn't bother tuning down every string unless you want to play along to the CD track. This riff sounds so cool especially if you turn on the delay and let the 9x70 bit echo.

Everybody loves playing power chords!
(listening to them however is another thing entirely)

Yesterday night my girlfriend starting playing the air guitar after hearing that wicked riff in Muse's New Born. I told her... okay.... we have a real electric guitar here, why don't you give it a try? I set up the MicroCube for crunching distortion: Rectifier high gain/low volume w. humbucking pickups - and put the guitar into drop-D tuning to make power chords easier:



She couldn't stop playing for a whole hour! Haha.. she was positively hooked, kept telling "tanoshii, tanoshii!" She learned the riff from New Born and Supermassive Black Hole (yeah, we've been listneing to a lot of Muse lately), and it was a fun experience. I wish she'd be interested enough to want her own guitar (or bass!!!) and then we could play together - that would be sooooo much fun. BTW I seem to have this strange fetish for slender girls who play the guitar... ahem... okay let's not go there...

Tab of the day: Time is Running Out by Muse

Bass
G------------------------------------------------
D------------------------------------------------
A-0--0--3--0--0--3--3--0--2--2--0--2--2--5--6--7-
E------------------------------------------------

G------------------------------------------------
D------------------------------------------------
A-------7--------7--7-----------3--------5--5----
E-0--0-----0--0--------0--1--1-----1--3--------3-

This is for bass, but it plays very nicely on a guitar as well. Needs heavy gain/distortion to sound good - check it out in the video, it's got a real funky groove. I'll start posting some real easy and catchy tabs from now on whenever I come across them.



One Beautiful Woman can Destroy an Entire Nation

I get to work half an hour early today, and who do I see in the parking lot? The prettiest girl out of forty, that's who. She's the one who could easily be on the cover of a fashion magazine - absolutely gorgeous, you wouldn't believe your eyes. I don't think I've seen a prettier Asian girl in person in my entire life.

Anyways, I get a brief glimpse of inside her car, talk about heavy fragrances! She's talking on a cell phone but rolls down the window and waves hello to me with a perfect smile. I come back 20 minutes later to put something back into my car (hmm... I wonder why I really came back...), and she's still there, talking on the phone. Well, it's no surprise, women as beautiful as her will always be in high demand - cell phone always ringing, getting invitations to lunch and dinner by every other co-worker - her time is absolutely precious.

I know I'm stereotyping based on a few observations, but somehow, I know that's just how her life is. I remember there was a Chinese saying along the lines of "one beautiful woman can destroy an entire nation." Well, I see such a woman every week... and I wouldn't be surprised at how much commotion she causes everywhere she goes. She's a secretary, but an extremely high profile one at that... let's just say that in terms of stature and ranking, there's only one secretary more elite than her in all of Okinawa. Hrm, I wonder how she got there....

I know you won't believe this, but I have never fallen in love with girls who are that beautiful. My head seems to be installed with some kind of Automatic Caution System that puts out warning flags everytime a girl is prettier than a certain threshold. Words like "troublesome", "impossibility", "inaccessiblity", "heavy competition" fly through my head and my heart immediately protects me by distancing itself from the girl. Convenient isn't it? Truth be told, I really pity any guy who falls head over heels for such women. They will get torn to bits and have their hearts pulverized in a meat grinder. I feel the only potential suitors are those who can emotionally detach themselves from their own impulses - in other words, men who regard her more as a Trophy as opposed to an Object of Affection. All the other guys will just end up looking like sad, pitiful puppies.

That being said, there are a few girls who I am emotionally attracted to right now, and of course their physical apperance is.... well let's just say it's not in the stratsophere and more down to earth. I have noticed though that there is something in common with all the girls that I have liked since high school: great skin, and smooth, silky hair. In Japanese they have a saying: irojiro ha shichi-nan kakusu「色白は七難隠す」- literally, "white color [nice skin] hides seven deficiencies". I really believe this is true. Jutting jaws, beaver teeth, disproportionate noses, wide foreheads, narrow foreheads... none of that really matters if your skin is beautiful. Or maybe...it's just me?

Saturday 3pm: I was driving alone through Tomishiro's local roads on a hot sunny day, the skies deep and blue - when all of a sudden I realized there were no cars around me. You couldn't hear a damn thing except for the chirping of cicadas and the revving of my own car. At this point I felt something very strange... a profound moment of sorts that lasted only a few seconds but almost took my breath away.

"Foreverness"

That's the closest word I can come up with. It's an eccentric combination of tranquility, sadness, and timelessness... as if you could almost feel your existence merging with something greater.

Sounds weird doesn't it? But I told my girlfriend about it... and she knew exactly what I was talking about before I finished explaining it. She called it eien na kanji (永遠な感じ)... on a hot summer day, when the sky is blue enough, and you can hear nothing but yourself and the chirping of cicadas... the feeling just comes out of nowhere. It's a great feeling, but no doubt somewhat sad... as if... everything in the world had come to an end or a standstill...

Okay, enough emo crap. Yesterday I dyed my hair (!!!) and today I bought a nice pair of "beaten-up" jeans. The last time I wore a pair of jeans was probably back in junior high. Yeah I know, eh... wtf is happening to me? I guess when I have to stand in front of thirty-some girls a week, that's a big motivation to primp myself. For christ-sakes... I swore on many occasions that I would never dye my hair... but here I am with dyed hair as of 08/13/2006. It's really subtle though, just enough so nobody will accuse me of being totally out of fashion.

I also regularly use hair wax (pomade?), made by Gatsby. I go for something semi-messy and I think it makes me look pretty damn good (note to self: keep narcississm in check for the next few weeks). It's weird how everything seems to work out so easily in Japan. I struggled for years in Toronto to get anything close to a messy look... it was always an utter failure. Here, the first product I buy gets me what I want. I'm starting to like Okinawa a lot... almost too much....

I have to admit that my blogging muse has pretty much gone down the toilet. It's not that I have nothing to say... I probably have more to say than ever before, it's that all my energy is pretty much sapped up by teaching. Believe it or not I have to use Google Calendar now or else I'll lose track of my life. There's regular adult lessons, trial lessons, kids lessons, one-on-one lessons, and even lessons at Japan Transoceanic Air (JTA) now, starting on Saturday. I leave home at 11:30am and I usually don't come back until midnight. Not that I teach all the time... but between eating, teaching, chilling with my gf, and chatting with the owner... it all adds up to a full day. Tomorrow (Friday) is one of my few days off, and I'm gonna relish it to the very end.

I have seen so many young Japanese girls in the last two weeks - it's unbelievable. Right now, there are probably three or four girls that I would consider definite girlfriend material - ie. same age, pretty, sweet personality, down to earth, and gives me butterflies in my stomach everytime I look at her. Three or four may not seem like a lot, but when you compare that to Toronto (one definite girlfriend material in maybe five years if I'm lucky), it's gargantuan, especially since that's in a timespan of just two weeks. What was once a barren desert has now turned into a lush tropical paradise. Yet at the same time, I don't seem to have enough leftover energy to savor all the delicious fruits the paradise has to offer (ok, I admit, that was cheezy)

Here's a random fact for you - only the pretty girls wash the dishes. It's true. After class, there's a bunch of dirty cups that need to be washed. Only the pretty girls step up and get the job done. It's like eight for eight now. Go figure. The only person who ever did something rude - answered and talked on a cell phone in class - it's the ugliest of all. Go figure. So much for the busu-boom.

In the timespan of just ten minutes... from about 7:10 to 7:20, the sky at Senaga-jima changed from this...



to this...



It's freaky how the cell phone colors the picture in its own way. But yeah... it was as beautiful as you can imagine it. Every time I stare out into the ocean, I feel like I am so small, and all of my troubles and my worries implode into nothingness.

Today, I was invited by three of my students (all young Japanese chicks) to go to the beach sometime next weekend. Only in Japan do miracles like this come true. I love Japanese girls... they are friendly, open, but at the same time unassuming and modest. I can talk to a smoking hot babe here and feel like I'm on the same level... whereas in Canada or even Taiwan I'd feel diminuitive... like I just don't have anything worthwhile to offer. Ok ok, so I'm just milking my "gaijin" trump card to its fullest... but still, assertive people just freak me out on all levels. Even though assertiveness is regarded as a positive trait, it's really only good for the person being assertive (they feel empowered), and not so good for the person who they are asserting themselves upon. I'm more a fan of vulnerability.

This is so freaky, yet I couldn't help but staring at it for a good 30 minutes. Unbelievable what physics equations can accomplish realtime

http://www.addictinggames.com/bonelessgirl.html

Whoh, I didn't realize I took such a freaky picture of the Okinawa Sky. It really is incredible how many various patterns you can see here....in Taipei it seemed like everyday was the same: gray, overcast skies.

So many new girls... and yet nothing feels quite as safe, comfortable, and relaxing as my girlfriend. I have no doubt that the human psyche is distinctly divided into two portions, like a Jekyll and Hyde phenomenon:

1. The Inner Child
2. The Ego

At home, with my girlfriend, it's obvoiusly the Inner Child that takes over. If you ever saw what I was like in Inner Child mode, you'd probably laugh, say "OMFG I never knew Terry was like that", but at the same time problem understand everything somewhere deep in your own heart. For a lot of people, it's your "ugly" side... the side you don't want anybody else to see. The Inner Child farts when he wants, sings when he wants, dances when wants, plays WoW when he wants... but for most people, it's only allowed to come out when we're alone or with a person we've been together with for over 5000 hours.

At work, or in front of anybody I don't know extremely well, the Ego emerges - a PR-oriented self-projection that is concerned with only one task: how to get everybody to like me. It reflects itself in the abnormal amount of patience and restraint I am willing to exercise for other people - I try my best to sit properly, to not fart, to not say whatever crosses my mind, to not dance when I feel like it, to not sing when I feel like it. Projecting the Ego can sometimes be really fun, but it takes a lot energy. Only the Ego is concerned with hair gel, wearing nice clothes, shaving armpits, using deodorant....

I just compiled a student list of the two classes (beginner and intermediate) that I teach, and I came up with the following numbers

Beginner Class (18 students)
% that are female (16): 89%
% of these females that are young (12) = 75%
% of these young girs that are hot (3) = 25%

Advanced Class (12 students)
% that are female (10) = 83%
% of these females that are young (9) = 90%
% of these young females that are hot (2) = 22%

A remarkable consistency between the two classes... however the shocking statistic is that 70% of my students are young girls between 20 and 30. I really don't know how that happened, but I sure as hell ain't complaing.

I must say that I have been blessed with what I must consider the best job I've had in my life. I get to be the centre of attention of so many lovely Japanese girls every day - and they worship me cuz I'm from Canada! I used to think that there's no way in hell I'd ever get another gf if I lost Shinobu, but in an environment like this, there seems to be at least a little hope. It's like the complete opposite of being in Computer Engineering at U of T. No girls <-> lotsa girls.

Yeah, it's pretty much big monk in a small temple... I basically have zero market value in North America but I seem to be a big hit with everybody here... not just the students at school, but the owner, her sister, her sister's two kids. I get along with everyone so well like a big happy family. They keep telling me how I'm "dai-ninki"... literally "big popular". I used to shrug it off as first as an indifferent compliment but after hearing it over and over for weeks, I guess I'm starting to believe it. Well, I have to try my best not to let this all get into my head. We must all try to keep a sense of balance in our lives and thus I must struggle to keep my modesty.. if that's even possible.

Playing Collective Soul - World that I know (old song!) on my MicroCube while listening to the actual track on headphones.....

ORGASMIC.

I love the guitar.. period. It is less intellectual and far more "animalistic" than the piano. Like tonight... after a long day at work, I come home and play some guitar... on the recent "Riff list"

• U2 - Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me
• Sheryl Crow - My Favorite Mistake
• Collective Soul - World that I know

What I find interesting is that the guitar usually has a significant "Warm up" period...... it's hard to make the right fingers and especially hard to stay in tempo if you just picked your guitar up two minutes ago. However, once you start jamming to a track for while, your mind is gradually sent into a trance, an altered consciousness of sorts... where you play in rythym automatically, and your fingers magically find all the right chords on time (of course, within the player's dexterity limits). This is what happened with the Collective Soul track... somewhere on the third or fourth playing.. I was in a trance.. playing perfectly in ryhtym, effortlessly and it was utterly orgasmic. Obviously to a bystander they would probably go... "uhm, okay"... but to the person playing the guitar.. it's orgasmic. I can only wonder what real guitar gods feel when they play live.